[seventyeight]

lately, it seems the theme of my therapy is that things aren't about what they appear - at least according to my therapist. yesterday in session i said something about being afraid, and she said something to the effect of "that's the little girl in you talking. the little girl is afraid, but your adult part knows there's nothing to be scared of." then today on the phone i said something about missing her, and she said, "you're not really missing me, it's not about me. it's about missing you."

i'm getting really frustrated by all this. i feel like i'm not allowed to have the feelings that i feel like i'm feeling! that whatever it is, she'll counter with, "it's not about that." i find it very invalidating.

has anyone else experienced this in therapy? what are your thoughts about it?

(and yes, i plan to tell her how it makes me feel (i have to a certain extent already), but it seems i keep coming to this point, so i thought i'd see if anyone had any comments..)

[SpiritRunner]

My T has started talking about transference more.....she never said the word through almost 8 months of therapy and now uses it often. she will say, that is the transference, often......it sort of feels sometimes like what you are saying, the 'it's not that, it's this.....' In some senses it's true, it is the transference, but I'd like more validation that it is simply my truth, my reaction to her, rather than it always being 'that's about the transference' these days! No, T, sometimes it IS about you, about how I react to you as you!
Because I think sometimes, as you say, it really is 'about that'.....it really is about missing your T, because you really do miss her. Not just the child part of you. And not just that you miss you, but you DO miss T.....it is a bit about her, too!
Of course, she has a point, but so do you, and you do deserve validation for your feelings. I hope you can have that!

[pachyderm]

I think your T is probably right -- but she should keep her mouth shut. It won't help to tell you. You will only believe it when you see it, if that time comes.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey,

I can see why that must be annoying, I think I would find it that way, plus she is just assuming that is what your feeling without fully checking it out with you. If she's gonna presume what you "really" mean then she should at least ask if you feel she could be right. As you have already said I would definately tell her how invalidating this is - who says you don't miss her?

hope she listens and stops assuming so much!

xxx

[lxegirl]

That seems like it might be your therapists' methodology. If you don't like it, maybe talk to her about and see if she can try to do something else to make you think a different way. or at least for her to explicitly explain it to you. If you really don't like it, maybe try a different therapist. Best of luck!

[Seshat]

Originally Posted by lxegirl

That seems like it might be your therapists' methodology. If you don't like it, maybe talk to her about and see if she can try to do something else to make you think a different way. or at least for her to explicitly explain it to you. If you really don't like it, maybe try a different therapist. Best of luck!

I agree. I have experienced something similar, seventyeight. I did end up thinking this T was trying to make feel guilty about my reactions and eventually it got worse and I had no choice but to change Ts. Not saying the same will happen to you, of course. Sending good vibes your way.

[sunrise]

I haven't experienced that. I think it would feel very invalidating if my T said that. If my T makes an interpretation, he usually asks me if he is on target or not. Or if he doesn't ask, I know that he expects me to set him straight if he is off base. This is because he has told me many times that he doesn't know what I am thinking, but is just guessing, so if he assumes something about me and it isn't correct, it is my job to tell him. He welcomes these clarifications from me, as it helps him understand me better. Seventyeight, I think it would be less invalidating if your T said something like, "it seems to me that maybe you're not really missing me but missing yourself. could that be right?" Then you can think about it for a while and respond yes or no or maybe or whatever. I think it's presumptious of your T to assume she knows your mind. It doesn't help build a good relationship because now you feel invalidated. Maybe you can gently ask your T to check her assumptions with you instead of making such bold, know-it-all statements.

I am sad your T won't allow you to miss her, seventyeight. I think this is more about her fear of getting too close to her clients than about your missing her really being about missing yourself. She's reluctant to let you get "too" close. This may be how she practices therapy--likes to keep an emotional distance. I think it would be good if she owned up to that, though, if it is indeed the case, rather than making these invalidating statements.

[ECHOES]

My T is very gentle when helping me to see how something is about me.
It still doesn't feel good and I tell her that I hate it when she "throws things back to me". But I also know my tendency to deflect and that doesn't help my goal of understanding myself, so I hate it but go with and explore it anyway.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Yea, I get that a lot but she also adds "I could be wrong, it is just a thought" so that makes it a little better.

[Seshat]

I'm thankful my T says stuff like "Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that...". With previous Ts I couldn't help but feel attacked.

[rainbow8]

i said something about being afraid, and she said something to the effect of "that's the little girl in you talking. the little girl is afraid, but your adult part knows there's nothing to be scared of." then today on the phone i said something about missing her, and she said, "you're not really missing me, it's not about me. it's about missing you."

I missed your thread when you posted it, and wanted to respond to the above. My T would want to hear all about what the little girl part is afraid of, and would ask "does she know you're there?" and "what does she need from you?" She would validate the feelings of the child, and want me to accept them too. But that's because she does IFS therapy. I think, on your own, you could validate the little girl part but you could also tell your T you wish she could too. My former T didn't want to acknowlege the child parts, either.

Same former T would also say "it's not me you miss". It's........but I never quite understood what came after the "it's". I'm only beginning to understand now. Right now I miss my T because she's on vacation, but it's not really her I miss so much, it's the intimacy of the relationship. If I had that elsewhere, I wouldn't miss it so much. But it's impossible to get it elsewhere, so in a sense I think it IS about that!!! It's about what only the t-relationship can provide, and therefore the longing and disappointment.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

I think your T is probably right -- but she should keep her mouth shut. It won't help to tell you. You will only believe it when you see it, if that time comes.

i agree...rather than make interpretations and point this out, it might be more helpful at this point to just offer a bit of validation of those feelings.

is your therapy time limited? like only a certain number of sessions?

[seventyeight]

no, it's not time limited. in fact, i've said to her a few times something like, ".. because we'll be working together for 30 or 40 years, right?" and she smiles and says, "more like 50 or 60." i know she's just joking, but she does make a point to say that this can take as long as i'd like it to, that she's happy to work with me, and that she looks forward to seeing me each week. (we've been working together for two years now, btw.)

anyway, i have an appointment later today, so i plan to tell her (probably first thing) how i've been feeling about all of this. i even thought of other examples where i'm "dismissed" in favor of some other explaination.

for the record though, i do think she's trying to be helpful (and definitely not trying to be dismissive), but at this point - this technique or whatever is just not working for me. fortunately, our relationship is pretty solid (well, according to her "very SOLID" - i have it in writing ) so i think today's conversation will go well.

thanks to everyone for their support and feedback. that helped me a lot.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

anyway, i have an appointment later today, so i plan to tell her (probably first thing) how i've been feeling about all of this. i even thought of other examples where i'm "dismissed" in favor of some other explaination.

I'm really glad you will be telling her! I hope the conversation leads to greater satisfaction for you. I think most Ts want to know how their actions affect their clients. Whether she will change is another question, but she might. I would definitely want to tell my T that if I told him I missed him and he said, no you don't, you miss you, that I felt invalidated. I think most Ts want to know when what they say creates more distance between the client and what draws them closer. Most of the time, they know, but sometimes, they are oblivious. Sometimes a T would say something like yours did specifically to create more distance, so she may have done that intentionally. If that's the case, hopefully she will own up to it and tell you and explain why.

BTW, I have told my T that I miss him several times and he always accepts it as a valid and real feeling, so it's not unheard of. Also, he has told me he missed me a few times, and that is very sweet. I must admit that there was at least once when he told me that and I really brushed it off, as it seemed like a fake attempt to draw us closer (when I was feeling a little upset at him).

Good luck today, seventyeight.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

i even thought of other examples where i'm "dismissed" in favor of some other explaination.

I see it as the two of you talking on two different wavelengths; yes, you miss her, you feel that, but she isn't dismissing that feeling, she's telling you about the root of the feeling and where it might be coming from. What we feel and where it is coming from are two entirely different things but I can see if you say, "I miss you", you want to hear something like, "I miss you too!" not, "You don't really miss me, you miss yourself." You are missing someone the feeling is there and I don't think she is negating that, just trying to add to its meaning.

[seventyeight]

actually no, i wasn't hoping to hear, "i miss you too." there have been times in my therapy where i've said something and i'll add, "but i'm just needing to hear it back." so i do tend to be pretty clear about when i'm saying something to express myself versus when i'm trying to elicit a particular response from my therapist. with the i-miss-you thing, it was more like i wanted her to say, "i hear you, but i'm just a phone call away.." or "i know you miss me, but i'll see you tues - remember?" i guess i was just looking for a little bit of reassurance (which i should have told her when i called, but i didn't know what i needed at the time).

i did bring all of this up in session yesterday (pretty much first thing, after i was done stalling lol), and she received it really well (as she does with most everything!) i didn't know it was so prevalent (the dismissive stuff), but i actually had five really different examples to give her of it happening. she thanked me a bunch of times (in a bunch of ways) for telling her, and added that she's "not always right, not even most of the time." i told her that i know she's only trying to help, but that it just seems we were just not matching up lately. we cleared it up well, and the rest of the session she was really good about checking things out with me as she responded. she was subtle about it, but it was nice (and different) to have her say, "tell me what you think of this.." or "let me know if this makes sense for you.."

if i haven't mentioned it on here before, she's a most-excellent therapist!

[qwerty000]

Good to hear that you were able to bring it up and she received it well.

(I was reading the thread as you posted the update, so I didn't have to wait long to find out how it went )

[sunrise]

Yay, that is great she was so receptive!! I think she really learned a lot from you that will help her be an even better therapist. And you got what you need too. Win-win!