[dizgirl2011]

*MAY TRIGGER, MAY TRIGGER, MAY TRIGGER, MAY TRIGGER* - IF your feeling low please wait to read this when you feel stronger as its a very negative post.

Bit of Background: Been seening my current T for a year and 2 months. I see her once a week. I pay privately. I knew from the begining it wouldn't last forever but I had seen this T a few years ago, at a service she then worked at, and she was so good that I decided to find out if she did private work, which she did and I started seeing her again last year.
I have BPD and Depression. I have a mental health worker but I see her once every 3 weeks (when shes not off sick) and when I talk to her about how low I feel she seems to end the session even quicker! I have fought hard to not let my feelings control me but on days like today it's not always easy and I sometimes wonder if all the hard work meant anything when I feel this low.

I have been finding the past few weeks of sessions very, very difficult as all we keep talking about is ending and that scares the life out of me because I know how much it hurts. So I have been basically crying a lot after my sessions lately. after last weeks session I emailed my T a very long email with a lot of feelings about many different issues, including how I feel about ending. I hoped we could just talk through that today but she didn't really, we briefly talked about it but that was it. The rest of the time my T talked about the ending, when we should end, how to do it, what i think will make it easier etc.........I couldn't speak, I knew if I talked or answered I would completely break down because I don't want to end nor feel ready to end. After waiting a long week for a session, to have not been able to talk and to have to listen about one of your biggest fears becoming reaity - it was AWFUL

I left the session and drove to a local car park and sat and cried. I hardly ever contact my T between sessions but I sent two texts, saying how upset I was, how people always leave me and I dont want to be alone. In that moment I felt if I could go back to talk to her I would be able to (probably because I was now in the state of being broken down). I tried ringing my T but no answer. I hated contacting outside the session but I have spent weeks feeling so upset that i just let my emotions get the better of me. I waited a while but got no response so I started to drive home.
On the way home my T rang, she rang. I pulled in and we talked a little but she sounded a bit annoyed (my opinion) and said how she didn't know if talking about it more would help etc and she would see me next week
I came home and still couldnt stop crying so i made myself go to sleep for about 5 hours. I have text again since to ask if theres any chance of a session sooner than next week but she didn't reply. Im guessing she got it but feels I have contacted enough today.

I feel like crap, im scared, I have no way of not going through this pain. Please don't get me wrong, my T is lovely..that's why I feel so awful I guess.

I'm never going to have anyone im in my 20's, still live at home, never had a boyfriend, dont want one, my friends are all spending their time with their own bf's,, in fact one of my best friends has basically dumped me the past few years because of her boyfriend, I dont have a good relationship with family members, im trying to complete a course and have an exam tomorrow - last week the teacher was really snappy with me which was upsetting also - everything is falling appart. I dont want to become severly depressed or suicidal again

I'm sorry this is so long!

[dizgirl2011]

and over an hour later...no replies...must be me..no one cares

[lastyearisblank]

Hi Dizgirl, I am sorry that you are mourning the possible loss of this relationship right now. It must be terrible to contact your therapist but not get any response.

I was struck that she said talking about it won't lessen the sadness of a possible ending. Finishing therapy is very important to talk about it, especially with a provider who has come to have a lot of meaning for you as a person. It might be worth asking her to stay present with you through this whole process, and not be tempted to dial down the emotional engagement/intensity of your sessions, just because they're almost over. Perhaps she didn't realize it was going to be so hard for you to sit with this feeling as well, and I would talk to her about that!

One last thing about your post really hit home for me, you don't have to answer if you don't wanna of course, but why don't you want a boyfriend? It might be nice to have a little intimacy, especially if you're lonely these days. Maybe you and T can work out a goal where you won't terminate until there's someone else reliable in your life? Is that feasible?

Sorry it hurts.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Hi Dizgirl, I am sorry that you are mourning the possible loss of this relationship right now. It must be terrible to contact your therapist but not get any response.

I was struck that she said talking about it won't lessen the sadness of a possible ending. Finishing therapy is very important to talk about it, especially with a provider who has come to have a lot of meaning for you as a person. It might be worth asking her to stay present with you through this whole process, and not be tempted to dial down the emotional engagement/intensity of your sessions, just because they're almost over. Perhaps she didn't realize it was going to be so hard for you to sit with this feeling as well, and I would talk to her about that!

One last thing about your post really hit home for me, you don't have to answer if you don't wanna of course, but why don't you want a boyfriend? It might be nice to have a little intimacy, especially if you're lonely these days. Maybe you and T can work out a goal where you won't terminate until there's someone else reliable in your life? Is that feasible?

Sorry it hurts.

Thank you for your reponse I dont feel I want a bf, I dont know why i just don't. I thnk im emotionally stuck inside. My therapist wont stay with me for any reason i dont think. I must just be an awful person. She knows how I feel. I am partly mad at her because of her conflicting messages and I am sick of having to be so greatful when i am paying her!

[SillySelf]

Dizgirl, I am so,so,so,so sorry that you are going through this You ARE worthy of friendship and love. Possibly the reason why some people are not responding is because they do not want to face the thought of their own good-bye with their T. It is NOT you though. You are VERY worthy of love, caring and compassion. This is my first time posting, but I have lingered for a while and have read some of your posts and got a feel for you. I think that you are an awesome person. Saying goodbye hurts like crazy. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Have you ever tried going to a support group of some kind, or a church, or some other social setting? I just ask because maybe you can make friends that might have some of the same problems that you do that could help you through it and really be a friend to you. Your world will not be as lonely. That is what I did. You are VERY worthy of someones friendship and they will be lucky to have YOU.

[Sweetlove]

I'm so sorry you had such a rough day and your T isn't being supportive. Is there a particular reason you have to end therapy now? It doesn't seem like a good time to stop, can you tell T this?

[rainbow8]

((((((dizgirl))))))

I didn't respond sooner because, to be honest, I didn't know what to say. I think some s would have been better than waiting, right? What really bothers me, though you explained the therapy system in the UK, is why you have to quit when you aren't ready. I can't understand that no matter how I look at it. When someone moves away, either client or T, it can be a reason to quit therapy prematurely, or perhaps the T retires. But I don't get what your T's reason is. A year and a couple of months is NOT a long time to be in therapy, especially if you have BPD.

If you absolutely have to quit, it's going to be hard and there's no way to get around that. The only way I've quit Ts (I have BPD too) except for once, is when I knew I was going to see another one. Is that a possibility or can't you see anyone? I know it doesn't stop the pain, but it can help. How can the "system" just let you see no one? Or am I not completely clear about it? Can't you pay your T more and still see her, or see someone else? What about group therapy or a group for grief support? Losing a T when you're not ready is about grieving, and a support group may be helpful.

I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this agony. I DO know what it's like. When I quit my first T years ago, I cried for the whole night,even though I had chosen to quit. I spent a long time with another T resolving my feelings for the first T.

You're young and have plenty of time to form relationships with others. I agree that will help you "get over" the loss of your T. What about volunteering somewhere? Do you like kids? Is there a day care center you can visit, or a hospital? Doing something for others or getting involved in a hobby you like can help with overcoming grief too.

I don't know if I've helped or not, but I want you to know that I am very sorry you're in such pain, and I hope that you can work with your T in a way that makes this separation easier for you.

[dizgirl2011]

Sillyself: Thank you for your kindness, your words mean a lot through this painful time for myself. You sound like a wonderful person and i am glad you have joined the forum!

Sweetlove: Thank you for your reply also, My T knows how I feel....it doesn't seem to matter

Rainbow:
Hey Rainbow, I really appreciate your answer and how much you are trying to understand my situation

From the begining last year my T said that she doesn't work open endedly but that we always work towards an ending....so I guess I knew going into the relationship that i might loose her pretty quickly..but she's such a good T (most of the time) that i couldn't pass up th eopportunity to see her again because seeing what the NHS (health system in uk) offers for mental healh support is nothing short of a joke at times - in fact they have done more harm than good over the years to me.

I don't understand why my T has decided all of a sudden that we should decide when we are going to end. I feel I still have loads I need to talk about and that I desperately need the support as I have very little in my life at the moment. It feels like she doesn't care and just wants rid of me. I guess she feels a year and 2 months is a long time to be in therapy (over here i guess it is really, as I said before its rare over here to hear of someone in therapy for many years).
I wish I could make her care enough not to hurt me by ending prematurely but I can't. I could go looking for another private T and start again but I am wondering what's the point anymore. They sense dependancy or even just 'need' from a client and want rid of them- maybe i am safer alone.

[SillySelf]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Sillyself: Thank you for your kindness, your words mean a lot through this painful time for myself. You sound like a wonderful person and i am glad you have joined the forum!

Sweetlove: Thank you for your reply also, My T knows how I feel....it doesn't seem to matter

Rainbow:
Hey Rainbow, I really appreciate your answer and how much you are trying to understand my situation

From the begining last year my T said that she doesn't work open endedly but that we always work towards an ending....so I guess I knew going into the relationship that i might loose her pretty quickly..but she's such a good T (most of the time) that i couldn't pass up th eopportunity to see her again because seeing what the NHS (health system in uk) offers for mental healh support is nothing short of a joke at times - in fact they have done more harm than good over the years to me.

I don't understand why my T has decided all of a sudden that we should decide when we are going to end. I feel I still have loads I need to talk about and that I desperately need the support as I have very little in my life at the moment. It feels like she doesn't care and just wants rid of me. I guess she feels a year and 2 months is a long time to be in therapy (over here i guess it is really, as I said before its rare over here to hear of someone in therapy for many years).
I wish I could make her care enough not to hurt me by ending prematurely but I can't. I could go looking for another private T and start again but I am wondering what's the point anymore. They sense dependancy or even just 'need' from a client and want rid of them- maybe i am safer alone.

I just wanted to add also that if you still have things you feel that you need to work on, or just the support of another person since you are not close to many people, than I would highly suggest finding another therapist. I know that, that is scary but I would never want to envision you giving up and hiding in a corner somewhere not talking to anybody. You are very worthy of help and compassion. Just don't let this ruin you. Seek out another therapist if you still find it helpful to you. Also, you are ALWAYS free to talk with me.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't have any wisdom or advice to offer, just support

[SpiritRunner]

others have said good things already. I just want to add my support and say that I am sorry you are going through this, I know it hurts! It hurts me to think of ending with my T, too.

[dizgirl2011]

Thanks for all the support, I REALLY appreciate it at the moment when I am feeling like this. I text my T yesterday but I haven't heard anything since. she takes tues and weds off so im guessing if I hear from her at all it won't be until Thursday.

I have an exam tonight at a course i'm doing...feeling like crap

[granite1]

lots of people have said a bunch of good things dont know what i would add but wanted to jump in with support and to say good luck with your exam

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by granite1

lots of people have said a bunch of good things dont know what i would add but wanted to jump in with support and to say good luck with your exam

Thanks granite!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

I'm never going to have anyone im in my 20's, still live at home, never had a boyfriend, dont want one, my friends are all spending their time with their own bf's,, in fact one of my best friends has basically dumped me the past few years because of her boyfriend, I dont have a good relationship with family members, im trying to complete a course and have an exam tomorrow - last week the teacher was really snappy with me which was upsetting also - everything is falling appart. I dont want to become severly depressed or suicidal again

These all sound like such important issues to work on in therapy! Maybe I'm remembering incorrectly, but did you say once that your T was terminating you because you didn't have anything to work on in therapy, that you didn't talk about important issues, so she thought there was nothing to work on (or maybe that was someone else who wrote that?)? If that's the case, I wonder why your T terminating you when you haven't worked on these issues yet? Like how to make friends, get out from living at home, work on relationships with boyfriends, famikly, etc. School issues. There just seems so much here. Have you been unable to tell your T all these things so she thinks you don't need her help? If so, would she then not terminate you if you could communicate all the things you have to work on? Maybe hand her a list so she sees you do have important work yet to do with her?

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

I have a mental health worker but I see her once every 3 weeks

Is your mental health worker a therapist? Does she help you with the issues you listed, like relationships with friends, family, etc.?

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

My therapist wont stay with me for any reason i dont think.

What is her stated reason for wanting to terminate? I think it's really important that she tell you that so you can let her know any assumptions she may be making. Maybe your T is thinking your issues are outside of her scope of practice and that she doesn't have the skills to help you? At the very least, I would hope she would recognize the issues that you have left to work on (provide validation) and give you referrals to therapists she thinks would be able to help you. Has she mentioned how she thinks you could get help since she won't see you anymore?

I am sorry for what you are going through, dizgirl. Please come here anytime to post and get support. You are always welcome! Best of luck on your exam.

sorry we dont have more to offer right now♥♥

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by sunrise

These all sound like such important issues to work on in therapy! Maybe I'm remembering incorrectly, but did you say once that your T was terminating you because you didn't have anything to work on in therapy, that you didn't talk about important issues, so she thought there was nothing to work on (or maybe that was someone else who wrote that?)? If that's the case, I wonder why your T terminating you when you haven't worked on these issues yet? Like how to make friends, get out from living at home, work on relationships with boyfriends, famikly, etc. School issues. There just seems so much here. Have you been unable to tell your T all these things so she thinks you don't need her help? If so, would she then not terminate you if you could communicate all the things you have to work on? Maybe hand her a list so she sees you do have important work yet to do with her?

Is your mental health worker a therapist? Does she help you with the issues you listed, like relationships with friends, family, etc.?

What is her stated reason for wanting to terminate? I think it's really important that she tell you that so you can let her know any assumptions she may be making. Maybe your T is thinking your issues are outside of her scope of practice and that she doesn't have the skills to help you? At the very least, I would hope she would recognize the issues that you have left to work on (provide validation) and give you referrals to therapists she thinks would be able to help you. Has she mentioned how she thinks you could get help since she won't see you anymore?

I am sorry for what you are going through, dizgirl. Please come here anytime to post and get support. You are always welcome! Best of luck on your exam.

Hey Sunrise, Thanks for your answer I don't think the first part of your answer was me you were talking about, it may have been someone else? I feel I am very good at telling my therapist what is wrong and how there is more I want and need to work on.

My mental health worker is a social worker, training in mental health, she's not actually a therapist, in fact when I talk to her about being down or things affecting me she seems to end the session quicker than if i am talking about something non related that interests her.

I don't know what her reason is for ending appart from " we need to end sometime" type philosphey - it seems stupid and heartless to me. But you are right and I will ask her why she wants to end.

Trinitydance, thank you for your support!