FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Member
Member Since Apr 2011
Posts: 95
13 |
#1
I am having doubts. I was under the impression that I was happy not having anyone close to me. But my last therapy made me reexamine my thoughts and I now believe that perhaps I want someone by my side after all. It seems like finding a partner is the solution to the problem but...
I'm an adult. I'm poor. I have neglected social activities all my life. I have never made an effort to make myself likable to people. I have never had a close relationship with a woman. I don't even have friends any more. I don't even know how to build rapport with a woman... To be honest I don't even know how I come across in real life, I think I come across as being "normal," but it's obvious that on paper I come across as a legitimate mental case. But the problem is that I went to therapy because I wanted help solving another problem but I came out of it with a painful wound that I am desperate to heal but when I remember the reality of my life I despair because this is a problem that probably cannot even be solved But since whining is not going to solve my problem, what should I do? Should I pay to have sex with prostitutes and hope that those encounters will help me gain confidence when I am around women? Or should I just hope that sex with prostitutes will heal the wound? Should I save money and get a plastic surgery? Should I find women that I don't feel attracted to and attempt to attract them? Should I pay thousands of dollars to go to one of those seminars where they teach socially incompetent men how to attract women? I'm just trying to find a practical solution to the problem... |
Reply With Quote |
Oceanwave
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Aug 2010
Posts: 560
14 |
#2
Maybe you'd like to try going to therapy with a different therapist now, and work on your relationship issues. It often happens that one goes to therapy for a certain issue but there are some other, underlying problems that surface in the process. It seems to me that you are working through all this, towards a good solution. Well done on that! I certainly think that learning to build a stable, reciprocal relationship in your real life is going to make you happier and is a good goal for you.
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
Member Since Apr 2011
Posts: 95
13 |
#3
|
Reply With Quote |
Veteran Member
Member Since Aug 2010
Posts: 560
14 |
#4
It sounds as though you'd need to build some confidence. And yes, women are attracted to all sorts of men -- especially "men like you", whatever you mean by that!
If you feel you are not "mentally fit" to start a relationship yet, try and work on that a little bit first (perhaps with a therapist if you struggle to do that alone) so you can start a relationship when you are ready. It might take some time, depending on where you are now emotionally. But it is an achieveable goal, yes! Have confidence! |
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2007
Location: on the path to healing
Posts: 785
16 |
#5
i had to learn to like myself before i could take steps towards finding other people to like me (and this could be extended to finding people to love me). i was so bad at this, the only way i could do it was to learn that t accepts all of me and it was like then i was able to start accepting myself.
i also had to learn (and this took me ages and was really hard and awful to learn) that noone can make me feel better. sometimes the answer is in accepting there is excruitiating pain and sitting with it. The more i tried to get others to take away my pain, to do things to escape the pain, to refuse to accept the pain, it just made things worse. be gentle with you. __________________ He said that we can email as MUCH as we want (100 times per day). Believe in this - it is challenging fears about being punished. It is okay to be seen. You are not a nuisance. "Too much" simply means exploration, not punishment/withdrawal. Trust in him. Not looking at him is about keeping aspects of self hidden/secret. We know that is not the healthy choice. Keep working on this - you will get there. Accept there are parts. Be kind and gentle with them. Working with parts and feelings is the key to happiness. We have been happy before when listened to them and accepted them and were open to feelings. Write in your journal - it is safe to do so. |
Reply With Quote |
learning1
|
Grand Member
Member Since Dec 2009
Location: northwest
Posts: 533
14 34 hugs
given |
#6
From your posts, you're very self-aware, insightful, and working so hard on your therapy. You're not a mental case!
You can be unready emotionally for a relationship. Many people are, at different points in their lives. That doesn't mean you're unwell, or somehow permanently broken in the relationship department. Just switch out your language for a while. Replace "mentally unfit" with "emotionally unready." You're taking steps to become ready to be with someone else. Eventually you will be |
Reply With Quote |
Legendary
Member Since Aug 2007
Location: West of Tampa Bay, East of the Gulf of Mexico
Posts: 14,352
(SuperPoster!)
17 1,021 hugs
given |
#7
You have not been interested in social activities or intimacy until now and that's okay.
Now you want to learn about them, and about you (how you come across, you said) and what the obstacles are between what you have and what you want. There is so much to learn about intimacy and what it is (emotional closeness) and what it isn't (simply sex). It takes time to figure it out, and probably takes longer for those of us who have actively avoided thinking about it for a long time. But we have to start somewhere. This.... is the stuff of therapy |
Reply With Quote |
Grand Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2010
Posts: 1,872
14 437 hugs
given |
#8
My definition of "mental case" - people who are too afraid of their own feelings to go to therapy or come on PC and question themselves and learn how to improve when they have difficulty. Therefore, no one reading this or posting on here is a mental case! Especially if we keep coming back and keep trying . (Could somebody remind me that next time I give up?)
|
Reply With Quote |
Reply |
|