Oh wow.

I had therapy today. Once a week is hard for me, because I've always seen him twice a week and can't seem to get into the rhythm of it. When I see him once a week, I have time between sessions to put everything SO DEEPLY AWAY wherever I put things in my self that when I see him, I have no idea what to talk about. I mean, we chat, but it's like I have no history other than the few hours before the session. And then once I've been there for about 30 or 40 minutes, my dissociation and defenses start falling away and things come up and if I talk about them, I open up these big feelings and BAM session is over. And then I leave and walk around with the feelings/memories for a few days and it feels hard and kind of awful and then I manage to put them away deep inside and the cycle starts over again. It actually even happens with things that are currently happening in my life, like the stuff with my mom. I was just SO well trained as a child to pretend everything was okay that that part of me takes over SO completely and I can't find ME. The Me inside.

So, when I saw T, we talked about that a bit. The whole time I was explaining it, he was NODDING and NODDING and saying "yes! yes!". I guess he agreed with me He said that he was seeing the same thing, and that that was what was making once a week difficult.

Towards the end of session (I think it was towards the end) I felt SO stuck. Part of me wanted to go sit in a chair my Teen part sits in and just protect myself. Part of me wanted to just let go and be taken care of. I couldn't figure out where to sit or how to be. I decided to sit on the floor, and he asked if he could come down with me, so he did. I leaned on my big safe chair and he leaned on the couch.

And I seriously just blurted something out - a really bad part of my history - that i had NO plans to tell him today. I was talking about feeling angry and I just heard myself SAY it. It's something SO gross and SO yucky. I just SAID it. And I felt myself disappear and I heard T saying "look at me, Tree, you're okay. Look at me so you know you're okay". It was awful. I started sweating and thought I was going to throw up. I'm not even sure what happened...T reached out for my hand and said "we're still connected, you are still okay".

And then he said "You are not what happened to you". You. Are. Not. What. Happened. To You. Something about those words REALLY sunk in, right when he said them. I am not what happened to me. *we*, all of us on PC, are not what happened to us.

And he said "that never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER should have happened to you".

I sat next to him and still held his hand and he sort of moved where we could see each other and I LOOKED at him. Right at his eyes. And he was still T, and his eyes said everything was okay. And that I am okay.

It was the end of session (naturally - ugh!) so we spent a little time getting grounded. I asked T if he thinks I'm gross, if he still likes me, if that's what he will think of when he looks at me, if he still felt the same way about me as he did when I walked in. He answered all of my questions.

I sat across the room while he did my receipt...we usually sit next to each other...but I felt SO sick still, and gross and just wanted a big space around me. We stood up and he asked "how do you feel about a hug?" and I asked how HE felt, and he said he felt like it would be a good thing, so I said okay and he did this thing where he wraps his arms WAY around me and I feel all tucked in and loved and safe. I asked him to tell me again that i am not what happened to me, and he did.

He told me to feel the sun when I walked out the door and to let what I told him float away into the big sky. He said to make myself big (a big container for my feelings). I tried.

I felt SO AWFUL after I left though, because it all happened so suddenly, me just TELLING all of a sudden, and there I was, alone with it again. I started shaking really badly. I called T and he called back and left me a message to listen to to feel better.

We are going to go back 90 minute sessions for now, once a week. He said in the message it would be a good idea, so we have more time at the end for me to feel connected and grounded. It scares me a little, because that gives me a lot of time for things to come up...but if they're just going to come up anyway, and be blurted out by some talky part of me like they were today, I'd rather have the longer time.

I am exhausted. When I think about T knowing I feel scared again. But then I think about what he said and how he looked and I know it's okay. I am trying really hard to not feel alone. I don't want to be alone with it anymore. It feels too scary and hard. I am trying to know that T is "with" me even though he's not here. He said he is holding it for me.

I know this is long. It just needs to be out of my head, and now it is.

[learning1]

Wow, tree, that's so wonderful that you shared and he told you you're not what happened to you. Thank you for sharing with us.

[SpiritRunner]

oh, tree, I am glad you did share that and I love what T said - you are not what happened to you! Because you are not! You are you, a very special you full of grace.....and whatever happened to you is not who you are, because you are so much more and better than that!

[granite1]

tree

[maggyjo]

Sounds like a really nice session. I am happy for you.

Maggy Jo

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Tree )))

Those words are so right on....yet it's so hard to internalize that when the feelings of awfulness are so big....I hope one day I can....

I love the relationship you have with T....

[Sweetlove]

Good for you Tree. It sounds incredibly painful but also extremely liberating. AND your T handled it beautifully...as always

[dizgirl2011]

Aw Tree *huge hugs*..you are right - you are not what happened to you!

Even though what you said came out in a way you hadn't intended, maybe it's good that it did because if you had of had time to think about it, it may have seemed very hard to say it at all.

What you said at the start about the session going so quickly and then your back to being on your own; and also about how hard it is to remember what has happened to even tell your T - I go through that all the time so I know exactly what it's like and how hard it is, you worded it perfectly!

you are wonderful!

Tree,

It sounds like you did an amazing job. It's so scary when those pieces of information just come out like that. But I always believe it happens for a reason. You must have felt safe enough to let that part come out. And what an opportunity for learning and growth. You were able to tell T something that feels very yucky, that makes you feel yucky, and he gave you a different response. One that combats all of those things. One that says, we're still connected, I still care, and I'm still here.

I always refer to my "yucky stuff" as "muck", and feeling covered in the "muck". T was able to acknowledge that you could feel the muck on you, like it was covering you, but he saw YOU and will always see YOU, even through the yucky/smelly/gross yuck. Because it's not YOU, it was done TO you. I'm hoping that he was able to "rinse" some of that off and leave it behind. Because he's so right. You are not what happened to you. You just got "shoved in the mud" so to speak.

I agree with the longer session. It allows you to go through warming up, connecting, prioritizing session, processing, finding resolution, grounding, and then connecting enough to transition back out. That takes a while. What a way to take care of YOU and yours, allowing yourself enough time to really appreciate and utilize that process.

[WePow]

((((((((((Tree)))))))))) Going to a 90 min session 1x wk sounds like a great plan!
You did great by allowing yourself to be open and honest with what was on your heart with your T. Great work!

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))

You are working so hard.
You accomplished so much even though it was hard for you to open up at first.

How are you doing today?

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((( Tree )))))))))))))))))))))

I like this 90 minute idea. Maybe if it seems a little daunting, you could remind yourself that it's not really a 90 minute session, it came about as a 1 hour session plus a safety net if needed. I think that providing for that is just so tremendously thoughtful of your T - he obviously cares about you.

(did he give you your Most Favorite Client plaque yet?)

Originally Posted by darkrunner

How are you doing today?

I think I am okay today.

I remembered that in the session after I said what I did... T REACTED. I have told him so much stuff and he kind of sits there and holds it..I wasn't looking at him this time, but I heard him react. I can't remember now what it was..I think kind of an "Oh!" type of thing. Something verbal. And right after that he started telling me to please look at him, and that I was okay.

I guess it's because it really came out of nowhere. No "I need to say something hard", no build up, no avoidance. Just...this one really gross sentence.

I'm not upset that he reacted, at all. But I do keep replaying the moment in my mind. I'm not sure why yet.

Anyhow, I am okay today. Maybe because we were both surprised at what I disclosed, I was just SO wide open in session, and his words really got in. I didn't try to push them away, and I didn't wonder if he was just saying things that weren't true. I felt the truth of what he was saying...that I am okay, that I'm not what happened to me, that he loves me, that we're still connected, that I was brave to tell. And in his message, he said that even though he knows I FEEL gross, that is not at all what HE sees, or thinks of, or anything, when he sees me.

The thing I told him has been pushing at me for a while...lots of icky gross body memories...but I hadn't even CONSIDERED telling him. I hadn't thought about not telling him either. It was just kind of "there". Now it's not so "there". I do feel like T can hold it for me.

I felt so alone yesterday, but today feels better. The funny thing is, I LITERALLY am alone, which almost never happens. My H is at work and all three of my boys aren't here. I have a bad cold (and I lost my voice, which is kind of interesting), so here I am. But I don't feel alone.

Thanks for asking.... I am so grateful for my PC friends

[darkrunner]

I'm SO glad that you are feeling ok!
You amaze me, Treehouse.

It's interesting to hear you talk about how you just blurted it out - I don't think you've ever done that before. I wonder if his reaction was surprise that you said it, or because of what you said, or maybe a little of both.

When I was telling some yukky stuff to my T, I thing I kind of wanted her to react in some way - ANY way. Either to be horrified, or sympathetic, or even angry. You know, just something!!! I guess T's aren't really supposed to react much, though. I don't know.

Anyway, it's interesting how you said you were so open to taking in his reassurance and comfort.

Have you thought any more about what caused the spontaneous disclosure? I think it is a really good sign of the amazing level of trust you have in your T, AND in yourself too.

Originally Posted by darkrunner

Have you thought any more about what caused the spontaneous disclosure? I think it is a really good sign of the amazing level of trust you have in your T, AND in yourself too.

You're right, I don't think I've ever blurted something out like that before.

We were sitting on the floor, and I just felt so ANGRY all of a sudden. Angry that I am having such a hard time talking about my mom, angry that it's so hard for me to open up in session, angry, angry. And I felt angry about this body memory that has been pushing at me, and that was there in session.

And I realized that it SO mirrored my childhood. I needed help because of what was happening with my mom and instead of me getting help, [this other thing] was happening. And I was so stunned by the parallel that I said it out loud: "This is so much like growing up, I have all of this mom stuff to deal with and instead, [gross, graphic thing]" It just struck me, and I said it before I had time to think about it - almost like thinking out loud. And I used a pretty graphic word, which maybe is what caused my T to react. I never use real words for things like that, and definitely not slang words.

I do think that without a DEEP trust in my T, I wouldn't have let myself go there. I guess I felt safe enough to be thinking out loud.

I was thinking this morning that something really positive that came from my break is that I SO trust that T is there and that he cares about me. I think being away from him, and coming back and finding the same T there really made me trust him deep, deep down.

Thanks for asking, darkrunner

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

We were sitting on the floor, and I just felt so ANGRY all of a sudden.

I guess anger really can be a good thing. huh? You've mentioned about how your angry feelings scare you, but in this instance it seems to have empowered you, or made you bolder?

I'm so glad you are realizing the positive effects from your therapy break.

I hope you were able to have a nice relaxing day all by yourself! ...and that you did some serious self-care!!!!!

[nannypat]

I hope the 90 min. session helps. I have the same problem sometimes. You have such a great T. He cares a lot about you, as well he should because you are very special. Even when you are having a tough time time you are always here to support others and give encouragement. You have helped me by sharing some of the things you have been through. See you are a VIP. Sending hugs.