[Echo1958]

It seems after reading some of the posts here, that I am not the only one who is dependent on my T. It seems I hate her and love her at the same time. I SO want to quit therapy, but every time I do (and I've quit too many times to count) I panic and think that I can't make it without her. She takes me back every time, but I think I'm she is wearing thin. Does anyone else have love/hate relationships? Love the therapist - hate the therapy?

[PTSDlovemycats]

Yea, I love my T but hate the actual therapy part...

Oh, Echo1958, I bet I have you beat on how many times I've left my therapist! But my T, like yours, has always taken me back. She and I have talked about why it happens and s l o w l y I've begun to understand my pattern of distancing myself when my T gets too close. When I say "close", I'm not talking about her being physically close, I'm talking about her getting emotionally close. I don't know if you experience the same thing, but when I feel as though people are getting emotionally close, I panic and go into overwhelm mode. I function just fine in the world as long as my relationships with other people are superficial and I'm in control. As soon as things change and the person draws closer, I walk away, my brain on overload. In therapy, it's like I'm learning to dance with my therapist--I keep walking off the dance floor when I don't get the steps right. But the lure and appeal of learning to dance always brings me back . . . and I always find my therapist waiting on the dance floor, open to trying to help me learn the steps once again of how to do the relationship dance. She's a saint . . . .okay, not really but she's a pretty patient teacher! Hope things work out for you!

[Can't Stop Crying]

I've quit therapy many times...fight or flight kicks in and I'm outta there! I'm getting better at that though. Sometimes I still skip sessions (like yesterday ) My T is very patient. I think most T's know when we quit and come back it's not because of them...it's because of the process. Therapy is so tough! Do you know more about why you "hate" the therapy? is it because you're worried about your dependency on T or?

[WePow]

It is very normal to pull away after getting close to T. After all, that is how we learned to stay safe many times. When you get close to others only to get hurt, well it makes sense that you would want to run whenever that emotional closeness starts up again!

[WikidPissah]

I have never quit/started with any of my T's, not even long term ones. But my current T has me in a panic all the time. I so want to tell him off, say "F-U I QUIT" or just cancel and not go back, but I keep going (I haven't quit yet). It's a weird feeling for me, and I have been in T for almost a decade.

[SpiritRunner]

I understand the push/pull feelings......I love my T, too, and yet there are times when I feel like the hurt of loving her is too much and I want to not even like her so well! I have considered running away, so to speak, but at the same time, know that I need therapy and that my T is very good, and very good with me, so there's no point in running away!
Sometimes I am frustrated with the process, sometimes I hate it because it's so painful......and yet I see the value of therapy (and of the attachment too), so I stay!

[Echo1958]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

I've quit therapy many times...fight or flight kicks in and I'm outta there! I'm getting better at that though. Sometimes I still skip sessions (like yesterday ) My T is very patient. I think most T's know when we quit and come back it's not because of them...it's because of the process. Therapy is so tough! Do you know more about why you "hate" the therapy? is it because you're worried about your dependency on T or?

YES. I do not want to be dependant on anyone. It is humiliating to have to call her when things seem rough. I should be able to handle things myself without having to go to someone else for support. UGH.

Originally Posted by Echo1958

YES. I do not want to be dependant on anyone. It is humiliating to have to call her when things seem rough. I should be able to handle things myself without having to go to someone else for support. UGH.

I think I wrote this but someone else's name is on it? Not really, but it sure sounds like something Squiggle would say!

[SoupDragon]

As a new member it is so reassuring to read others experiences. I have a constant battle with going / not going thoughts, it sets my brain into over drive. It fills my waking hours and I hate it being there all the time. I have tried to quit a couple of times, but my T is good at blocking my "escapes" - I am usually relieved once I actually see him. Does this get any better?

I hated how I felt for my T. It was a continuation of a pattern I've been fighting all my life. I felt deeply ashamed of loving her. I tried constantly to make myself feel different by sheer will power. I fought with myself every time I wanted to reach out to her. I always ended up reaching out anyway, and then hating myself more. Luckily, I was doing DBT, and 'radical acceptance' is a key concept of this. I applied it to my relationship with my T, and it was the most healing thing I've ever done. I let go of how I thought I 'should' feel and accepted how I did feel. I let myself love her and need her. And to my utter astonishment, when I did, I found out that she loved me, and she could give me what I need.

The hardest part for me was trusting that it won't last forever. Trusting that meeting the need will dispel it rather than feed it and allow it to grow expontentially, forever. The truth is, I had nothing to lose. I had tried it 'my' way for 26 years and the need had just grown. Now, I'm doing it T's way. And I believe it's working

I wonder whether you could let the dependence happen?

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I understand the push/pull feelings......I love my T, too, and yet there are times when I feel like the hurt of loving her is too much and I want to not even like her so well! I have considered running away, so to speak, but at the same time, know that I need therapy and that my T is very good, and very good with me, so there's no point in running away!
Sometimes I am frustrated with the process, sometimes I hate it because it's so painful......and yet I see the value of therapy (and of the attachment too), so I stay!

I definately feel this way also!!