Anyone Ever Say These Things to You?

I know a lot of people here have had this happen, but I'm still curious to see what responses I get. Have you had people accuse you of faking whatever disorder/condition you have, or say stupid things to you?

For example, I have been accused of faking my problems, which would classify me as the ultimate in lazy, because I've not worked in many years, and I've gone through this crap for over 27 years. Plus, do people really think I enjoy my pathetic life, having no real work history, not having achieved my dreams, and crying about what could have been?

Another example, when I was a teenager, my mom's friend told me I like it, meaning I enjoy my mental problems, because if i didn't like it, I would "just stop."

I used to say I wouldn't wish these problems on my worst enemy, but I've grown up and seen how the world really is. Yeah, there are people I'd wish this and more on (rapists, murderers, and torturers among them), and I would at least like the people who say these stupid things to go through at least a year of this crap. One day isn't enough for them to understand how stressful it becomes when you just need a rest from it and it won't go away, and how the condition changes/worsens/improves over time and in certain situations. They really need at least a year to understand, IMO.

So, who's got a story to tell?

My ex used to tell me things like "Pretend to be happy, and you'll be happy" or the all too common "snap out of it." What was another one? Oh, I remember "just think yourself better." I really wanted to clock him for saying those things, especially if your depression is due to imbalanced brain chemistry. I mean, would you tell someone with heart problems or diabetes or any other physical problem to just "think yourself better"?
He'd even do that if I got a migraine. Say "Oh come one, it can't be THAT bad." This coming from a guy who'd never even experienced a regular headache in his life.

But, he eventually did get a headache (just a garden variety type) and was lying on the couch writhing in pain. And when I walked out on him after I couldn't take any more, he got depressed. I told him to pretend to be happy anyway. Oh, the irony. I probably should have been the better person and been sympathetic, but it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.

My ex refused to beleive i was unwell, or at least decided it was something to be ignored.

That made me feel stupid and worthless. I go to work, i have my onw house, i drive my car, i do lots of things and becasue i can do all this then I couldnt possible have mental health issues!!!!!!!!!!!

It makes me want to scream with frustration. Its a terrible thing to face and i hope these people stop saying this to you.

Its like if they cant see it then it cant be there?!

atg

Yeah, people say stupid things all the time...they want to help, but they don't understand what's happening.

I've had "Your problems aren't as bad as you think they are." That really hurt.

C

I have heard most often to just "snap out of it". Like you wouldn't want to. I often think that people don't understand because they have no basis to compare it to. Most physical illnesses can be somewhat connected with as they may be similar to something else. These illnesses are normally like no other.

It is sad that instead of being supportive they take a negative approach which is not helpful. I think sometimes you need to ignore their ignorance and do the best you can. My husband does not understand my illness. It took him a while to get to the place where he just puts faith in my pdoc and t to help me through. It is sad but we can never really talk about it.

If you are not getting support from those around you then maybe you can look for a group that you can attend and be around people that understand. Many communities have these. If you see a t or a pdoc they can help you locate one.

I am sorry that you have heard you are "faking it". If they even began to understand they would never say something like that. I hope it is out of ignorance rather than meaness that they say some of these things. Please try and take them from this angle as otherwise it is very hurtful. We understand and if nothing else keep posting here. I am sorry that you are having to go through this and hope that you find some that understand.

>>I often think that people don't understand because they have no basis to compare it to.

I agree with that but I think it goes a step further... not only do they not have something to compare it to, but they think that they do have something to compare it to.

They think that when we are depressed we mean the same thing they might feel if someone close to them dies. Therefore they think we should be able to come to terms with it and get over it just like they eventually did.

Sometimes I try to explain to them... remember that same day that you found out about the death? At that immediate point in time, you if had to go to work, had show tickets, had other responsibilities, you WOULD NOT be able to put those feelings "on hold" and tend to your life. It should be OBVIOUS that at that point there is something physical, chemical going on in your body that effects your feelings, concentration, "happiness", etc. Of course with time it fades and you get back to business. But suppose those physical changes and chemicals got "stuck" in that position, wouldn't let up, wouldn't let you stop that intense period of grieving? That's kind of what depression is, the chemicals get "stuck" in a place that is no longer a response to the outside world. You CAN'T "snap out of it", or "think yourself happy" because that is exactly what the ILLNESS won't let you do and that is why it IS an illness.

It's like telling someone with diabetes to "snap out of it", explaining that diabetes is an illness, and then having that person say "Well I had two sugar donuts once, it gave me a headache, but the next day I was fine! So snap out of it!"

People go for the opposite response... this is generally true of a lot of stuff in life... People "don't understand" so they assume they know better (which would be true only if they DID understand) rather than to accept the explanation. Long ago (way before depression entered my life) I named this the "Oprah" syndrome... because so often on talk shows like Oprah someone on stage would explain something unique about their lifestyle or feelings... then someone in the audience would stand up and say "Well, I can't understand why you can't just so-and-so..." If you "can't understand" how is it that you think you are qualified to make a judgement???!!!

I still like my idea from another thread here... break their leg in two with a blunt object and then don't take them to the ER, tell them to just "snap out of it" (or "walk it off!!!")

"I told him to pretend to be happy anyway. Oh, the irony. I probably should have been the better person and been sympathetic, but it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. "

LOL That was a good one. I have even read."just pretend to be happy" on another site. It is just amazing. Like Dexter said above, you don't tell a diabetic or someone with a broken leg to snap out of it.
In fact I don't think I can improve on his post..so I may use some of his ideas when someone else tells me yet again to just "feel better".

>>you don't tell a diabetic...

Yea, tell them "Why don't you pretend you can eat this box of frosted donuts!"

Sorry, I'm getting a little slap-happy tonight...

People tell me I just want attention when I SI... that is most definately not the case!! I think that hurts the most because people just don't understand.

Yeah, wanting attention is another common one. I've even heard that about people who are in the hospital because they just tried to commit suicide!

If someone wants attention that badly, GIVE IT TO THEM!!!

I know it's not about getting attention (and my sister believes some people who try to commit suicide are just doing it to get attention, sadly), but my point is, this is a person who needs help.

On the first day of 6th grade (I think--somewhere between 5-7th grades), my dad said to me as he dropped me off, "I don't want any of this nonsense this year." That's what he called it. Nonsense.

I know what you all mean, from the other side of the fence. As the partner of someone who was severely depressed, I heard that stuff all the time too; also got labelled an "enabler" (even here at PC I got that one), a "sugar momma", and that I need to "get rid of the slacker". Ouch. Thanks for understanding... NOT.

Well here's a question:

What is your best advice for people who want to help? Think in terms of POSITIVE things they can say or do (not a list of "don'ts"). What should they say or do instead of the stuff you are (justifyably) complaining about?

>>What is your best advice for people who want to help? Think in terms of POSITIVE things they can say or do (not a list of "don'ts").

The thing I wrote about depression has some suggestions to that end... what friends who want to help can do to help with the isolation and other problems that come with depression.

It is on my website under "Understanding" if you haven't seen it... www.idexter.com

I've read it, Dexter, and thought it was great. Hopefully the others will read it as well.