[zooropa]

Nevermind.

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Zoo,

I just read through your 2 main thread again. I noticed a message I hadn't read yet about you deleting the texts from your Therapist without reading them first. I don't mean to worry you or anything but is it not possible the texts could have been to cancel your appointment, or to change the day or something that you need to know?

I think your game plans should be to be honest but also open to what she says and open to both your faults and trying to make her aware of her own mistakes in all this.

I think you need to explain to her how upset and confused you are now about the boundaries because she has said one thing and now is changing the rules..which is not fair at all. Perhaps also tell her how you feel it is very hard to trust her now because by doing what she said you should, she got annoyed so how can you safely take on board anything else she said.

I know it might be hard but try and be calm when you tell her and not in an argmentative accusing manner because that will possibily leave things worse.

Perhaps how you felt when she hung up on you
what does she mean when she says she is there for you
you need clear boundaries - in writting!

There has been so much said between you both and as I said you need to be open to her telling you things you have maybe done wrong also, which won't be easy to hear but she needs to be open to you and vice versa.

Definately don't cancel hun, you will then just drive yourself made for another week and want to ring her etc and things will become even more out of hand.

Its hard to give advice on exactly what to say because you know your feelings best. Think of what you feel you really need her to know and consider what you want from telling her that.

*huge hugs*

[zooropa]

I hadn't thought of that (that she may have been cancelling). I think I will just have to go ahead and go to my session, because I don't want to call her to ask. If she isn't there, she isn't there. I don't know what else to do. If I text her it will just open up a line of communication that I am trying to keep closed.

edited to add: I sent her a text just asking her to let me know if we aren't still on for tomorrow, and that if we are then there is no need to reply. That way I can get the pertinent info, maybe just opening up that line of communication a teeeeeeny bit, but won't be waiting or watching for a reply from her.

[granite1]

ok.sorry for posting. i wish you the best

[zooropa]

I don't think I can go. I get physically ill every time I think about it. I am afraid to cancel because I'm afraid I will regret it, but I really really don't think I can go through with it.

I just left her a message saying just that ^. I am not looking for reassurance from her that it will be ok if I go to my session. I got that last week, and it was anything but ok. I need to listen to my instincts. Also I can't get see how I will make the hour long car trip there when just thinking about going is keeping me tied to the bathroom.

sad. and relieved. and scared. and sad.

[Splintered]

Can you kind of pretend to yourself that you're not going to go then go at the last minute anyway? Sometimes I do that when I know I need to go somewhere but am so nervous and it does make it a little easier. I've been reading your posts and I really, really hope you do go. I don't think it will get any easier by not going but I understand how hard it can be to try and force yourself to go. if ok

[zooropa]

I don't know. I'm sure in an hour or two I will regret having left her that message. It just felt like the only thing to do, and it felt like I had to do something. I don't know why. I'm a mess, really and truly. No wonder T doesn't want to deal with me. I don't want to deal with me, either.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Splintered

Can you kind of pretend to yourself that you're not going to go then go at the last minute anyway? Sometimes I do that when I know I need to go somewhere but am so nervous and it does make it a little easier. I've been reading your posts and I really, really hope you do go. I don't think it will get any easier by not going but I understand how hard it can be to try and force yourself to go. if ok

I have done this!
I've stomped around all day (mentally) saying I am NOT going tonight!! I REFUSE to go!!. WHO nees you anyway?! Why should I go?!!...... oh, hey I gotta get going, or I'll be late!!!

[zooropa]

I sent her a text and told her to ignore my voicemail. I also said that someday I hope I will look back at this and laugh at myself.

Maybe I needed to decide not to go in order to figure out that I really wanted to go.

I think what made me send the text basically uncancelling was that I asked myself: after all the times she has been there for me, after all the ways she has helped me, all the hours and years spent listening to and validating me, can I trust her just ONE more time? If it doesn't feel ok, I can leave. If it doesn't end well, I don't have to go back. But...just one more time, can I trust her enough to show up and be present? Just once more? And yes. Despite my hurt and confusion and anger and pride, I can do that. One more time.

Good for you. That is some clear thinking.

[ECHOES]

(((zoo))) You are sounding a bit more peaceful.
I like your reasoning and I admire what it took to get to where you are.
I hope it goes well !!

[Splintered]

Yay for you! Glad you sent that text. I've cancelled before and then regretted it so I think sometimes you do have to take some action before you can really know what you want. You can do this.

[Splintered]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I have done this!
I've stomped around all day (mentally) saying I am NOT going tonight!! I REFUSE to go!!. WHO nees you anyway?! Why should I go?!!...... oh, hey I gotta get going, or I'll be late!!!

Good to know I'm not the only one who does this!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by zooropa

after all the times she has been there for me, after all the ways she has helped me, all the hours and years spent listening to and validating me, can I trust her just ONE more time? If it doesn't feel ok, I can leave. ...

zoo

I hope this does turn out well for you. you can use the reinforcements.

here I found one more, this must be yours too

[zooropa]

I think I kind of triggered myself by "getting ready" for tomorrow, started thinking about it too much and got overwhelmed, not able to push it away again. Now I know. I do want to prepare, I'm not going to go in there without a game plan, but I won't do it until later tonight or tomorrow morning. Mornings are busy around here, by then I won't have time to stop and stew and think my way out of going again.

also I have a car service that drives me to T, and I have to cancel with them far enough in advance to not have repercussions next time I want to use them. So by morning it will be too late. I just need to keep my mind off of this until then.

[SpiritRunner]

I am thinking of you! you are doing some hard work here I think and I just want to encourage you to go and be as honest and open as you can and hope T is too.

[zooropa]

that's going to be hard, poet. Being open, it's so scary and so hard and T doesn't feel like a safe person right now. But, you are right, that's what I need to do and, again, I have to trust T that she will not hurt me.

[WePow]

(((((Zoo)))) I'm not sure, but I want to throw this out to you. But how about you going and focus the trust on yourself? Trust YOU to be able to protect little inner Zoo "if" things get too painful. ?

[zooropa]

oh wow, wepow. Thank you so much for that. That feels so much better! How do you think I would go about doing that? Making sure I am taking care of myself, especially the vulnerable, fragile little zoo inside me?

[dizgirl2011]

I really hope all goes well I will be thinking of ya!

[WePow]

Zoo, it is very hard to learn HOW to take care of our inner child. But the truth is - you can do it. And you are a lot stronger at being able to do this than you realize because as a child I bet you had to do it a lot of the time. Maybe I am wrong, but that is what I sense from all you have shared.

You have the adult right to drop your T like a hot potato. YOU have the right to stand UP to T anytime you feel like the little Zoo is in pain. Little Zoo doesn't have to do this alone, she has you.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by WePow

Zoo, it is very hard to learn HOW to take care of our inner child. But the truth is - you can do it. And you are a lot stronger at being able to do this than you realize because as a child I bet you had to do it a lot of the time. Maybe I am wrong, but that is what I sense from all you have shared.

You have the adult right to drop your T like a hot potato. YOU have the right to stand UP to T anytime you feel like the little Zoo is in pain. Little Zoo doesn't have to do this alone, she has you.

I too struggle very much so with inner child work, its hard.

Wepow - is the lovely lil child in your avatar, you?

[zooropa]

I think it's a matter of mindfulness. Trying not to get so caught up in my emotions or, more likely, in suppressing my emotions that I lose track of what is going on in the moment. When that happens any reaction I have to what is happening is delayed, and I end up being hit with a tidal wave later when I'm alone and unable to process it all.

I also have such intense fears of abandonment that I will keep people in my life far longer than what is healthy for me. I can see myself being willing to accept blame for things just to appease T, just to make her still "love" me, just to make her not leave. And that kind of betrayal of my own authenticity has a definite negative backlash.

example: last week, my T said she was having a hard time not being critical and sarcastic towards me. I told her "That's your job in here, T." I said that is her role, that if I am sarcastic and critical it's not her place to bounce that back on me, which is what someone would do if a friend or partner were acting that way towards them. I think I made a valid point, although I think my delivery was lacking. T interrupted me, laughed sarcastically and said "see, that's what I'm talking about." And I spent the rest of the session apologizing through tears. Except...I wasn't wrong. I really don't think I was wrong.

[zooropa]

I made the mistake of reading some of my journaling from this past week, and looked something up in Linehan's book. I can feel myself getting all spun out again. I need to step away from this and do my best to push it away. I hate this, being on the edge like this. Hate.

[WePow]

((((((((((Zoo)))))))))) You are doing so very well. Don't push it away, but don't pull it close either. Let it just be what it is and witness it. Watch it as if you were your own T. These pains let us make the best breakthroughs!

You CAN trust you - even if you don't trust T. In fact, don't make trusting T as true or false. Make it as a percentage. Sometimes you trust T at 90% and sometimes you trust T at 10%.

If you feel you said the right thing, that is what counts. And by trying to cover it up after T had a human response that was not benificial to you or your ability to trust, well that sounds like something you may have done as a coping mechanism for your whole life. But by knowing you are doing this, you can start to decide HOW you want to do things the next time. That is really what I mean by trusting YOU.

--dg, yes, that is me as a child. My T suggested I use that pic as my avatar because he said we all need to realize that we are our inner child's guardian.