I have session tomorrow. We're trying to do 90 minute sessions, but he has a short week this week, so it's just a normal session.

I take so long to get "warmed up" that sometimes it almost feels pointless. So, I sent T a quick e-mail just reaching out and connecting, hoping that would help me tomorrow.

T e-mailed right back, and his e-mail was FINE, truly. Not distant, not ANYTHING, just a reply, a suggestion about the session, and a connection.

But now I feel worse. I felt totally a-ok before I e-mailed and our little e-mail exchange has stirred up all of this anxiety. I'm not even sure I can put words around what the anxiety is about...Maybe it's just normal session anxiety starting early, since my e-mail was basically an attempt to lead into session. I don't know.

Like I tell T ALL the time, I love T, but I HATE therapy

[granite1]

could it be anxiety and feelings around only having a normal length session instead of 90 min.i hope your anxiety calms so you can get sleep

[zooropa]

jeez, YES, Tree! Totally. Yes. I dread going to T tomorrow because I hate how I feel after I connect with her and then lose that connection. Or going there and not connected with her, which doesn't feel any better.

Right now, having not talked to my T since Thurs, I feel like it would be better to just not ever see or talk to her again. To just drop the connection while I'm not feeling it, rather than going through the losing-the-connection feeling over and over again.

[learning1]

Going to therapy at all makes me feel worse- paying attention to issues, or defining them as issues. Pretty confusing. But I know there was a reason it seemed worth trying when I started and I'll wonder if I should have stuck with it if I quit.

I hope your anxiety calms down and you feel better soon.

[googley]

((((((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry that you felt worse after contacting your T. I hope you connect tomorrow.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by treehouse

.Maybe it's just normal session anxiety starting early, since my e-mail was basically an attempt to lead into session.

That would be my bet.

For me, it depends on why I've reached out to my T. If I'm having issues and reach out to her for help, then I usually feel better after talking to her or getting an email back. If I've reached out to T to lead in to a session, or if her reply to an email is that we need to talk about it in session, then yes, I feel anxious until I see her in person and we talk.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Tree,

would it be possible that even though the reply was 'fine', you were hoping (maybe unconsciously) for a more comforting response and it didn't happen?

I agree that 50-60minute sessions are really hard to get into and can sometimes feel pointless. My sessions are always that long, ive never had a 90 minute one, i wish i did. Sometimes I get really annoyed and upset by how quickly 50 minutes goes - blink and you miss it!! I agree with you it can take time to just get warmed up in a session. However good work can be done in 50 minutes, even though its short *hugs*

I hope your session tomorrow goes really well

[rainbow8]

I hope you have a good session, tree! Yes, reaching out to T sometimes makes me feel worse. Even with such a good session, and a positive email from her this week, the contact makes me nervous. It makes me worry about how the next session will be, how I will feel, if anything will go wrong, if I imagined the close feelings I had last time, etc.

ANY connection with my T stirs me up. Maybe that's why some Ts don't allow ANY contact between sessions. You need to be face to face to do therapy. Anything else can cause misunderstandings more often than face to face contact.

In your case, I wonder if it's your complicated feelings about taking the break, going back, having mixed feelings about all of that still. I forgot what your last thread was about, but weren't you upset about your session and what you have to get into now? Maybe you're more anxious for that reason too. Sorry I've forgotten exactly what was going on with you but I know something was. Isn't it issues relating to your Mom?

[wheeler]

For me it feels worse when it doesn't live up to my expectations. We, or I guess I should say 'I' text my T alot and sometimes when I don't get the response that I wanted I feel crappy.

[WePow]

Hope session is connecting for you today. I also will need to reach-out to my T, but will be left feeling worse at times. Not sure why. But it sometimes makes me sure to not write unless I know specifically why and what I need (such as venting).

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hi Tree, sounds like you are indeed warming up a bit early. If this is the first time you've tried that, and it isn't working out so hot, maybe it's not something that you would want to try again.

I hope your session goes very well today

Originally Posted by treehouse

Like I tell T ALL the time, I love T, but I HATE therapy

I know.... heckuva system ain't it

Thanks, you guys....

I think what I need to do is go in there today and just be totally honest. I don't know why it takes me so long to warm up. I'm going to ask T to sit with me from the beginning. It's like we spend the session with him in his chair and me on the couch and then in the last 10 mins I get this urge to connect (almost a physical sensation) and I ask him to sit with me and he does and THEN I open up.

I'm realizing that the times I've opened up the most he's been WITH me. There is something very very very triggering about him sitting in a chair watching me (because that's what my abuser did when I was very young), AND the distance makes me feel like I am yelling all of my secrets across the room (even though he is only a few feet away). When he is next to me, I can whisper or write or whatever I need to do.

Wish me luck. I see him in 80 minutes. I want it to be okay

[sittingatwatersedge]

I hope it goes great

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((((((tree))))))))))) I understand the anxiety! I am thinking of you!

sending safe hugs! hoping all goes well