[zooropa]

I was handling this all pretty well these last few days. T just shattered all of my peace. Complete and total free fall right now. Where will I land??

[**Angel**]

Would you like to tell us what has happened?

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( ZOO ))))

Oh no!!! I'm so sorry! If you're up to sharing what happened, please do. We care and will try to help you through this. ((( HUGS )))

((((((zoo)))))

What happened? Let us help catch you.

[zooropa]

I'm just going to copy the texted conversation for you guys to read. I called and left her several messages in the last hour. This completely spun me out. Completely.

Me: Just FYI I'm not coming in today. 8:18 AM
t: Any particular reason? 8:45 AM

Me: That's an interesting question and not one I can really answer in 160 characters or less. Just...scared, I guess. 8:59 AM
Me: Lack of clear boundaries led me to feel unsafe in our relationship, & to question what, if any, motivation there is on either side to continue. 9:07 AM

*called and left her a message about 10 mins into what would have been my session*

t: When people no show I don't have.phone calls with them. I have no record of u calling- I have not intentionally ignored ur pcs. My email is down - no a 10:51 AM
t: ccess. I will not have time to access email until tomorrow. I have u scheduled for 10 am on the 23 rd. Please.give ¡ least 24 hours notice if u don't 10:51 AM
t: plan to attend. Today was ur first no show and u will not b billed. If u give less than 23 he's notice in he future u will be billed 65. 10:51 AM

Me: I need you to call me. 10:56 AM

Me: You want to do this via text? really? OK. Not returning phone calls, laying down arbitrary rules in the middle of a crisis, asking things via text and not responding to the answer. These things are hurting me and interfering with my therapy. 11:00 AM

Me: I gave you notice via email. Bill me if you want. This is hurting me and interfering with my ability to function. You evidently aren't willing to do phone coaching any more, so I'm at a loss. 11:02 AM

Me: Wait wait. Did you seriously not get a voice mail from me on Thurs? I'm questioning whether I called you or just thought I called you. That kind of freaks me out. Really? 11:43 AM

[zooropa]

just to clarify: when she didn't respond to my answer to her question about why I wasn't coming in, I called her. I waited until after my session would have started and then left a message saying I was hoping to speak to her about what's going on and why she hasn't been returning my calls, etc.

I think I left a couple more messages after that, she's just ignoring them completely. I am on the verge of both texting her 911 and blocking her so I never have to speak to her again. Both ends of the spectrum, all at once, and it's so huge I can't contain it.

[Sannah]

Why did you cancel if you still want to talk to her?

[zooropa]

I cancelled because I was SCARED. I cancelled because I don't want to get hurt any more. I still want to talk to her because part of me thinks there is a way to fix this, despite all evidence to the contrary.

[Sannah]

I totally understand.

You have to go to therapy to fix this.

[Sannah]

Can you see from the perspective of your therapist that you cancelled the session, then you wanted to talk to her on the phone instead?

[zooropa]

I can see that, Sannah, although to be fair to myself, that's not something that she ever told me not to do or that I would be punished for doing. If she hadn't ignored my last phone call and my emails to her I wouldn't have felt so unsure and probably would have gone in today.
It sounds to me like she isn't willing to fit me in later this week, which I can also understand, but do you guys think that would be a reasonable request for me to make?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

If she hadn't ignored my last phone call and my emails to her I wouldn't have felt so unsure and probably would have gone in today.

This doesn't put you in a very strong position. You know that she doesn't always respond. Basing what you are going to do on what someone else does puts you in a weak position.

You can't get something unless you ask. (asking for another appt.)

Your therapist probably feels jerked around with you cancelling the appointment and then calling to talk. Sounds like she is trying to set boundaries not punish you.

[swimmergirl]

((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))

Try to give yourself today off. She is not going to return your calls today. She said she would email tomorrow. Email her tomorrow about another appt. later in the week. I do think that is a reasonable request, however, she may not be able to accomodate it.
It sounds like you think she is trying to punish you for cancelling today. Your emotions are all over the place. I completely understand. I do not think she is trying to punish you..... I think she is trying to establish boundaries. That being said, it is completely unfair that she has not told you ahead of time what they are.
My opinion is.........that if you want to, if you can keep little zoo safe, the two of you can repair this and both of you will be better for it. However, I do think it will be very painful for you and require some deep soul searching. Isn't that what therapy is for though? I can understand if your not ready to face that yet. This is NOT your fault, or hers. Sometimes........it is a combination of both. Sending love your way.

[zooropa]

thanks for that, Sannah. It's good to hear it doesn't necessarily look like punishment, because it certainly FEELS like punishment.

Once again, there are problems around boundaries. See how clear boundaries helps avoid heartache? I am definitely learning that if nothing else.

[Sannah]

When you confront a boundary is it painful Zoo?

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))

Try to give yourself today off. She is not going to return your calls today. She said she would email tomorrow. Email her tomorrow about another appt. later in the week. I do think that is a reasonable request, however, she may not be able to accomodate it.

interesting that you read her text to mean she will email me tomorrow. I didn't get that from what she said, but you may be right.

Yes, I'm spun out and emotion mind has the wheel. My reasonable mind says this is broken, shattered, walk away. My emotion mind says I can't walk away, I need to fix it NOW NOW NOW. Somewhere in between is my wise mind, the middle path, but I can't hear it or see it or feel it.

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((zoo)))))))) I don't think she is trying to punish you either.......
it seems clear that boundaries are not clear on both sides maybe, neither of you having the clear, firm boundaries that need to be. but both of you trying to set them! hope that does not sound harsh, I don't mean it to be, it just seems like more miscommunication going on, when of all times, communication needs to be clear!!!!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

When you confront a boundary is it painful Zoo?

oh god, yes. I avoided calling or emailing or texting T for a long, long time because I was afraid of bumping up against that boundary and then having to experience the feelings of rejection and worthlessness. I guess I am getting a lot of practice sitting with those feelings these last few weeks.

[Sannah]

I'll bet this goes back to your childhood somehow? That boundaries meant awful things for you?

[zooropa]

in between crying, calling T, and posting here I have been talking to my case manager this morning. She first offered to call T for me, but I said no, then I'll be seen as splitting. Then in a later conversation I asked her if she would call T to get some clarity about this new no-phone-call rule T just tossed out there. My case manager said her supervisor asked her not to talk to T because they see her as splitting and don't want to get caught up in that.

[swimmergirl]

Zoo,

When you said your emotion mind needs to fix it NOW NOW NOW I completely relate. When I have gotten in a rupture with my T the worst possible thing is having to wait until I can talk with him again. The waiting is worse than anything else........having the fear of confronting him. For me, not knowing is worse than anything.
Also, I may have miscommunicated. I don't know if she will email you tomorrow, just that she can..........which means that she cannot communicate with you today anymore. So do something fun, try to distract yourself, I know..........easier said than done. Do not feel bad about going from one extreme to the other. I do that all the time, that is a big part of why I am in therapy. My head and heart do not synch.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'll bet this goes back to your childhood somehow? That boundaries meant awful things for you?

this goes back to childhood in so many ways. I was just thinking of how, whenever my mom would get mad at me, she would quit talking to me. Never tell me what was wrong, never let me fix it, just shut me out. And that FEELS exactly like what T is doing right now. Not saying she is intentionally doing it, but it feels the same. No wonder it is freaking me out.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by zooropa

in between crying, calling T, and posting here I have been talking to my case manager this morning. She first offered to call T for me, but I said no, then I'll be seen as splitting. Then in a later conversation I asked her if she would call T to get some clarity about this new no-phone-call rule T just tossed out there. My case manager said her supervisor asked her not to talk to T because they see her as splitting and don't want to get caught up in that.

is right! wow........so who can talk to who here?!?!

[zooropa]

I keep thinking that I should have just gone to my session today and avoided all of this, but then I think about how scared I was and how things may have gone just as badly in person anyway. I'm trying to be gentle with myself and validate my need to feel safe and protected.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

is right! wow........so who can talk to who here?!?!

she told me some things about my T that I wish she hadn't. It doesn't help me to know that the general consensus is that my T is burning out in a huge way and that clients far more fragile than me are getting caught in the fire.