Trigger for triggering dream

Hi guys....

I see T today

I saw him last Monday, so it's been a long time. And I didn't think I would be anxious, but I AM. Like shaking. I don't know why I'm surprised, because I always feel like this before sessions, but I AM surprised.

Last night I had a dream that I heard people talking about me being sexually assaulted. I couldn't remember it happening so I didn't know what was going on. I asked my H about it, and it turned out that people knew it had happened and that I really couldn't remember it. When it happened, someone called my parents and my H, I went to the doctor, etc. I was shocked. I asked if it had happened in our house, and he said no, and told me where it had happened. People knew who did it, and everything. I had completely blocked it out of my mind, but when people started talking about it, it was like there was this dark place in my head where I could almost remember it.

I woke up and felt...UGH. I think I have this fear that there is a piece of my history that I just don't remember, because I won't let myself. It scares me when I think about it...I don't know what it would be, and I don't ACTUALLY think there is anything...but it's just this thing that is in the back of my head sometimes. Actually, what I'm scared of is that my CSA might have been done by someone else (not the person I think it was). I haven't even said that to T.

I'm not sure why I'm typing all of this out. I guess I'm just thinking out loud. Maybe this is why I can't talk in T these days. I don't want to open my mouth to say what I'm really afraid of, so I can't open my mouth at all.

I leave in an hour.

[WikidPissah]

(((tree))) I know that feeling, like there is something there but you really don't want to know. Especially when you are dealing with so much already. A T once told me that we get hyper-aware when we are confronting emotions and past crap, sometimes that makes us think there's a "demon behind every bush". It could also be a memory, so it's really difficult to walk that line.

Please try to talk to your T about it, he is usually so supportive.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Dreams are the PITS.

I'm so glad to hear that you are going to see T today. Just take it as it comes; you can tell him anything, you know that. Or not. Whatever comes, will be OK.

[WePow]

((((((Tree))))))) I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope today you can connect with T in a good way.

[Oceanwave]

((((treehouse))))))

Do you think there is something, what is your gut feeling? There might not be. Try to talk about it to your T, it will help.

It seems like your fears are becoming your dreams, not that your dreams are your reality.

[SpiritRunner]

tree, I am thinking of you and coming along if that is OK!! I hope you have a good connection today too. (((((((((tree)))))))))
I think farmergirl is right about your fears becoming your dreams, not that they are reality, really!

[ECHOES]

(((tree))) Thinking of you.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Tree ))))

I do believe that when your body is ready to remember, it will. Last week, I told T about a CSA that I never shared with him before. It's because I didn't remember it until recently....T said that I didn't allow myself to...and that I needed to create the space and safety in my body in order to allow those memories to surface.

I, too, get stunned with fear....and sometimes wonder if saying things out loud makes them seem more real...and that it will bring the awful feelings to the surface as the words come out of my mouth...and I'm scared of that....

I see T today too....and we are going to delve into my CSA....YUCK.

I hope your session goes well and that you are able to connect with T...and say what you need to say....(((( BIG BIG HUGS ))))

Thanks you guys.

I don't have a fear that there was a SA I don't remember. The fear that's been playing around in my head for a year is that my CSA perp was not the person I originally thought it was. THAT is a very big and real fear. And yeah, I think it came out in my dream.

The dream did give me a way to finally, finally talk about my fear to T. It was so hard to open my mouth and say it. I told him about the dream and then told him there was something I was scared to say, that I've been holding for a year. Every time I would try to say it, I wouldn't be able to feel my feet and my legs and I wouldn't be able to breathe.

So. I would say as much as I could and then I would tell him I needed to stop and ask him to tell me a story. Just short things...like his favorite thing he ate last weekend was banana pudding. The little stories would ground me and I would say the next part, and then he would tell me a little story. We did that until I got the stupid sentence out.

After I told him, he asked if I wanted to continue talking about it or if I wanted to sit with the fact that I finally said it. I really wanted to sit with the fact that I said it, FINALLY. So, we did. T talked about how hard it must have been to hold that for a year, and to spiral up and down with it, and to never be able to say it. He talked about me being brave, and not having to hold it alone anymore. I sat and felt the feeling of still being ALIVE, even though I finally said it. I actually thought about PC and how hard it is for us to say things...and I thought about posting about how we CAN speak the unspeakable, and still be okay.

It was a 90 minute session, which was good. We never talked about who I think it might have been. I just couldn't go there. We talked about talking about the "who" and talked about not talking about it. I tried a couple of different times to tell....I started making a list, I started drawing a picture...but I couldn't do it. Not yet. Maybe not ever, but definitely not yet.

T said we will go as slowly as I need to.

At the end, he was telling me ways to ground myself this week, and while he was talking I had this "a-ha" moment. I realized that no matter WHO it was, it doesn't change anything. It happened when I was 4 and 5. I am the same person I have been since then. What happened doesn't change. No matter who did it, I am still the same me. I'm the same me I was before I spoke it out loud at session today.

I remember when my son was diagnosed with autism, realizing that he was the SAME little boy he had always been. Nothing had changed...he was still the exact same him.

No matter what my story is, I am still the exact same me. Remembering who did it doesn't change that. I don't even know if that makes sense, but it feels HUGE to me to have that to hang on to.

So. Trying to stay in the now and remember I'm still me, no matter what.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>> I'm still me, no matter what

you sure are. and I love you!!!!! thank you for sharing a tremendously, tremendously hard session. you've made several points that will help me too.

I feel like I want to just sleep forever. Not a sui threat. Just sleep.

[karebear1]

Tree!!! What an absolutely moving post you just put up!

When you wrote:

"So. I would say as much as I could and then I would tell him I needed to stop and ask him to tell me a story. Just short things...like his favorite thing he ate last weekend was banana pudding. The little stories would ground me and I would say the next part, and then he would tell me a little story. We did that until I got the stupid sentence out.

After I told him, he asked if I wanted to continue talking about it or if I wanted to sit with the fact that I finally said it. I really wanted to sit with the fact that I said it, FINALLY. So, we did. T talked about how hard it must have been to hold that for a year, and to spiral up and down with it, and to never be able to say it. He talked about me being brave, and not having to hold it alone anymore. I sat and felt the feeling of still being ALIVE, even though I finally said it. I actually thought about PC and how hard it is for us to say things...and I thought about posting about how we CAN speak the unspeakable, and still be okay."

I recognized that. It's as if I were you, and words, if they came out at all, might only be 1 or 2 at a time. The sweetness and struggle of your experience and your re-telling it really has touched my heart. It makes me feel like I can accept my deficiency in revealing all my sadness and badness and that I'm ok if I don't have the exact words or can only say one word at a time. Listen............. I know what I'm writing isn't making any sense at all. Just know, dear tree, that you sharing your latest experience has really, really touched me in a way nothing ever has before. Thank you so much for sharing that very tender and very personal experience.

Tree, the courage you had today to be able to get that out was just....... Incredible. Thank you so much for sharing this. I got teary while reading it. You're story proved that mountains can be moved if you push hard enough. Amazing... (((((( hugs to you)))))

Thanks, you guys. Your words mean a LOT to me. Really, really.

I am trying really really hard to stay in now, to believe I'm strong, to know I'm okay. I'm going to play a board game with my middle son. I have a busy weekend ahead. I want to be okay.

T left me a message and reminded me I'm still the same me, and we (he and I) are still the same us.

Isn't therapy just too hard sometimes?

[karebear1]

Indeed it is tree.

[*doodles*]

Your T is awesome
And I just wanted to say you are so, so brave for being able to finally tell him!! And you are doing great staying in the here and now. Your comment about still being the same me really hit me. I'll have to start reminding myself of that, because I struggle with some confusing memories as well.