[Umbral_Seraph]

"Don't worry about relationships right now; you have nothing to give."

I don't uderstand the purpose of this. Unfortunately it was the end of the session and I wasn't able to ask for carification. I've just been replaying the phrase "you have nothing to give".

[Flooded]

That sounds harsh, but maybe its just another way of saying you need to look after yourself first and foremost?

[madisgram]

ohhh his remark is troubling to me especially at the end of the session. perhaps tho, even stated harshly and negative, he wants you to think about what he said for you to bring it up in the next session. personally i believe his remark was too general and very inappropriate.
my experiences in therapy was sometimes like making a wound. i was fragile and needed my T to help me along to look at things about myself 'safely'.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, what he is trying to tell you is that right now the focus has to be on you. It doesn't mean that you will never have anything to give to a relationship. That isn't true, but you cannot deal with a relationship until you get your own issues settled.

Your job right now is to just concentrate on yourself and focus on healing. And depending on what you are dealing with, it will take time. So, in reality, you are taking a much needed time out for yourself and that is all he means.

I am sorry he didn't explain it better. Some therapists repeat things so much they can get very matter of fact. They can be dealing with their own issues and have an off day too. I have also found that sometimes they assume you understand or know more than you do. And if you feel that way you have to write down your feelings about how you feel now and after you are with the T. Then when you go to see the T you can help yourself by bringing it up.

Much of therapy is about learning how to help yourself and communicate with the therapist. Consider this a life lesson as well, often when a patient is very troubled they can leave out feelings and can come across confused. Another reason why a relationship with others is a bad idea right now.

Dealing with psychological issues is very challenging and it takes time to understand how you are actually being effected. Being confused and frustrated are normal reactions to dealing with all the psychological effects that come from the issues you are dealing with.

So don't be so hard on yourself, ease up and just accept that it is going to take time. Dont fall into the thought that you are unacceptable to society forever or damaged etc. Thats not true. And try to keep coming to PC and get support, there are many people here that feel the same way and understand and can be very supportive.

Even your own posts can be anothers therapy as they help and encourage you. And as you get stronger, you may help another admit their feelings of frustration too and that is what PC is all about, support.

Open Eyes

[Fresia]

I can understand why this would bother you. It would bother me too. I would think of it in terms, until you can talk to the T again, of it's important to focus on what's going and taking care of yourself right now. I had a T say something similar once and it bothered me as well until it was clarified, that he felt I was not open to relationships at this point, trying to get a sense of balance for myself before sharing with someone else and where my focus should be instead, on finding that balance. I would definitely bring it up next time. For heaven's sake, you definitely have a lot to give!

[Caretaker Leo]

Without knowing everything you discussed with T prior to T's comment... I can only agree with what some others have written - that you need to focus on yourself right now and expend your energy on you.

Hopefully you can put T's comment in perspective to what you talked about during the session. If not, definitely write down your feelings about it and bring it up in your next session.

[salukigirl]

I agree. Even if he meant that you need to work on yourself first, that's not a very professional way to say it. Especially bc if someone is coming to you for help they are obviously fragile emotionally and don't need words like that thrown at them.

Unless he is trying the "tough love" approach? Has he acted like that in the past?

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by Umbral_Seraph

"Don't worry about relationships right now; you have nothing to give."

I don't uderstand the purpose of this. Unfortunately it was the end of the session and I wasn't able to ask for carification. I've just been replaying the phrase "you have nothing to give".

Personally, I see it as:

In a relationship, in order to have a healthy and happy relationship, both parties in the relationship should be emotionally sound and be able to meet all of their own needs first before trying to meet the needs of another person.

Basically, you can't give of yourself if you don't have anything to give - you can't help anyone else if you don't help yourself first.

All my two cents anyhow, but it's still not the nicest thing to say, so I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Suratji]

Once my T said something to me as I was walking out the door that was highly triggering. And we had 15 seconds left to talk.

I called her later and left message that her comment was a 'set up'. She apologized next session and agreed with me that she shouldn't have said what she did at that time.

I'm sure your T will realize also if you mention it that it was poor timing. But the reality that our tanks are empty and knowing that can sometimes be good information to have. We can nurture new relationships when we fill up our tanks again.

[Umbral_Seraph]

It really got to me as at this time I feel very alone.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by Umbral_Seraph

"Don't worry about relationships right now; you have nothing to give."

I don't uderstand the purpose of this. Unfortunately it was the end of the session and I wasn't able to ask for carification. I've just been replaying the phrase "you have nothing to give".

i take it to mean that you need to focus on you and taking care of yourself, so you dont have much energy left to give to someone else...

(((((((((hugs)))))). I can agree with a lot of the replies. I think T just met that you need to focus on you before sharing yourself. I can understand though, how that comment can sound a little harsh. Bring it up in the next session and maybe your T can be a little more mindful about the way things are worded.

[elliemay]

I personally find this comment to be quite offensive. Although it was likely intended to focus on yourself right now, I think we always have something to give.

It's rather minimizing to suggest that our problems are so big that they essentially exclude us from being valuable to others.

It's just wrong - or at the least, very very very poorly worded.

As per usual Psychcentral comment, I would definitely talk to your therapist about it and how those words, regardless of intent, bothered you.

Then try to recognize that your therapist made a mistake. It was a mistake and they get to make these. Therapists are human. Mistakes happen, and they can be worked through, corrected, forgiven.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Umbral_Seraph

It really got to me as at this time I feel very alone.

Umbral,

I understand, I get that way too. And many of the people if not all the people that come to PC feel the same way. When we know something is not right, well, it is pretty scary and embarrassing at times. And it can also be somewhat overwhelming depending on what we struggle with.

That is one of the wonderful things about PC because we find others that feel that way too and then we are not so alone anymore. And instead of sitting in a room wondering how to feel and feeling so very isolated, we can now touch some keys and connect to many others that feel the same way, someone to listen to, someone to talk to, someone who understands how it feels and in that we find that we are not really alone.

And the one thing I noticed is that there so many REALLY REALLY NICE PEOPLE HERE that suffer too and they are trying so hard. I myself have been so incredibly inspired by how some people have lived through so much and yet they keep trying.

It is so nice that you have a place to come and hear someone say, yeah me too and here is what I have done or what I think or what I have tried or even what a T has said.

So, you are not really alone.

Open Eyes

[dizgirl2011]

Hi,

I don't think your therapist would have meant this in an intentionally nasty way but obviously they didn't word it properly or even notice that the way they said it could be misinterpreted. I think we could all guess what she meant but the best advice would be to tell her what you heard and how it felt.

If I was to guess what she meant, I think she is probably saying that at the moment you need all your resources for yourself, you can't afford to be giving to others as you need to look after yourself.

I can really understand how that sentence she said is upsetting because she didn't even fully explain what she meant. This happened me a while back in T, my T said something that sounded extremely hurtful and almost rude and I got very upset about it but my therapist didn't intend it in the way it sounded.

I hope you can talk to your T about this

[itsmeshorti]

Ouch!!! I can totally feel that "nothing to give part" I would feel the same way. A nice kick in the teeth on the way out the door.

But I do agree with everyone else about the reason for the comment. You have nothing to give yet because you are working on creating youself again. Right now you are pieces, one day you will be whole, and have so much more to offer. Which will be much more rewarding.

I do think sometimes T's don't realize just how their words affect us. I'm sure it was not meant to hurt you just to get you to focus on yourself rather than a relationship.

Please tell T how this affected you. They need to know this stuff in order to get a better sense of you to help you. EVERYTHING in therapy is important.

My T said something similar to me once. When I told her how it made me feel she sincerely apologized, she had no idea I was so sensitive, she said I seem to be a very rigid person. The point is it made us closer and gave her a better sense of how to help me.

Good Luck and don't worry you will be well enough soon, to fully enjoy a relationship.