[Eliza Jane]

So I am going through a hard time right now. Something difficult happened in my life causing a return to the deep depression that I have struggled with off and on for years. It has also stirred up in me some abandonment issues/fears. Some of it centers on my husband, but also a lot of it centers on my T.

So yesterday I sheepishly admitted my fears about her abandoning me.

There is a little history to this. A little over a year ago (?) she decided to reduce my sessions from 2x/wk to 1/x week because I wasn't really working and making progress. She further suggested that maybe we should scale back to 1x/month until I was ready to work. This really, really upset me. We essentially worked through it and never reduced further than 1x/wk.

In recent months, when I was super depressed she said things like, "Do you think this therapy is really helping? Do you think you'd rather see someone else?" This again really upset me. She made it clear that she wasn't saying we shouldn't work together, etc., but it still worried me.

So yesterday, when I admitted to my fears that she'd bail on me, she stated that she wouldn't (as long as I "keep working"), but then added, "I do think there are probably better therapists out there for you. That you'd make more progress with." She said it off-handedly, but it still stung a little and I keep chewing on it.

I have been seeing this T for 5-ish years (1 year, moved away for a year but stayed in touch, 3 years now). Before her I saw a T in another city for 6 years that I was extremely attached to. I know I made limited progress with her because at the time my life was in a state of constant crisis (not my own doing) and my depression was very severe. It was more crisis management-type therapy at that time. Recently, I had a dream that "starred" old T and it made me think how I felt that T cared about me more than this one.

I realize that I have been in therapy a long time and am perhaps a little dependent on it. At the same time, there never seems to be a good time to stop.

That turned out longer than expected. Thoughts? Similar experiences?

Best,
EJ

[Asiablue]

My immediate thoughts are that when you are in crisis mode certain types of therapy may not be suitable. Little work or progress can happen when you are in crisis. So really for those years she's probably been doing supportive work with you rather than deep therapy.

I understand the dependance and that comes from the attachment stuff you're feeling too. I'm going thru the same thing. And i wonder if the fact she even considered moving you on to another therapist stung because it seems like it's easier for her to break ties with you than it ever would be for you to break ties with her, thus feeling like she has no feelings or care for you if she can contemplate it? I only ask cos that's how i've felt this week.

[autotelica]

What does "working" mean for you and your therapist?

My therapist gives me homework assignments to do. My last assignment was to send an email to my old graduate advisor, with some of her suggestions inserted. Another assignment was to clean up my desk. If I do the homework assignments sincerely, she never gives me a hard time. So in my mind, doing my homework = working.

What is it that she thinks you're not doing, do you think?

The comment about the "better therapists for you" would sting me, too. But maybe she just feels like nothing she is doing is working. It's not you, it's her. It would be wrong of her to keep taking your money if she felt ill-equipped to help you.

[deneane]

i hope everything will be ok.if its not the time to stop dont when the time comes you will know it.

This is going to hurt and I apologise but to me it seems as though your T really cares about your well being thats why she suggested you see someone else who can really help you. Maybe she doesn't see enough progress and she thinks she isn't helping. Honestly, do you think she is helping you?
It is unethical for a T to know they are not helping but still take your money as for the work well my old T always used this analogy " Its like an obese person going to the doctor and the doctor tells him he will die if he doesn't go on a diet and start exercising, six months later the man dies, still as obese as the day he went to the doctor." she said she could sit there and tell me how to do everything but I need to apply it to real life, do you know what I mean? T can't do everything or make your life better- only you can do that.
I am sorry if this is coming across as harsh, it is not meant to be

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

And i wonder if the fact she even considered moving you on to another therapist stung because it seems like it's easier for her to break ties with you than it ever would be for you to break ties with her, thus feeling like she has no feelings or care for you if she can contemplate it? I only ask cos that's how i've felt this week.

I think that is really perceptive and it rings true to me. Thanks for your thoughts.

EJ

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by autotelica

What does "working" mean for you and your therapist?

My therapist gives me homework assignments to do. My last assignment was to send an email to my old graduate advisor, with some of her suggestions inserted. Another assignment was to clean up my desk. If I do the homework assignments sincerely, she never gives me a hard time. So in my mind, doing my homework = working.

What is it that she thinks you're not doing, do you think?

The comment about the "better therapists for you" would sting me, too. But maybe she just feels like nothing she is doing is working. It's not you, it's her. It would be wrong of her to keep taking your money if she felt ill-equipped to help you.

I think that is a good question and I don't know that I have a clear answer. Maybe something to bring up at some point. My T isn't really the homework-driven type of T. That said, she has given a few assignments here and there and I have been a little picky (passive-aggressive?) about which ones I complete. To be fair to me though, some of them felt over my head for the place that I was at at the time. For example, at a very low point she asked me to come up with a list of goals for therapy. My mind was totally blank with regard to that at that point. I was suicidal and not able to think about the big picture.

I think in some ways it is more important what "working" means to me rather than what it means to my T. At some points working and improvement is just wanting to make it to the next day. i don't think that is quite where I am right now, but I think that at times "progress" was really something little, you know?

Thanks for making me think about that!

EJ

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by deneane

i hope everything will be ok.if its not the time to stop dont when the time comes you will know it.

Thanks for your support!

EJ

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by button30

This is going to hurt and I apologise but to me it seems as though your T really cares about your well being thats why she suggested you see someone else who can really help you. Maybe she doesn't see enough progress and she thinks she isn't helping. Honestly, do you think she is helping you?
It is unethical for a T to know they are not helping but still take your money as for the work well my old T always used this analogy " Its like an obese person going to the doctor and the doctor tells him he will die if he doesn't go on a diet and start exercising, six months later the man dies, still as obese as the day he went to the doctor." she said she could sit there and tell me how to do everything but I need to apply it to real life, do you know what I mean? T can't do everything or make your life better- only you can do that.
I am sorry if this is coming across as harsh, it is not meant to be

No worries, I know it was said in support. I can take it.

I agree that it is unethical for a T to continue working with someone if they are clearly not helping. I just don't know that we have reached that point. In fairness, I don't think T is quite saying that (yet) but it starting to hint in that direction.

I do think she is helping. In dramatic ways? No. But I think it is doing something and I am skeptical that I can get more from someone else. I also take forever to open up to someone and I finally feel I can open up to her--although she gets frustrated often when she feels I am holding back. In all honesty, she is right, but that is one of the issues I am trying to work through!!

Thanks for helping me think about this!

EJ

s long as you think she is helping, thats all that matters...healing takes time. maybe it might be useful to write her a letter with all the ways she has helped you so far, so you can clarify in your head she is helping and at the same time show her she is helping you too, sometimes its easy to look past all the littly things that are a big help. I did this for my T on our closing session wrote her a big long letter with all the ways she had helped and after I read it back, I was delighted with my progress and so was she.

[autotelica]

As much as CBT is hated on here, I have to say that I like how "meat and potatoes" my therapist is with me. Even when I was seriously depressed and not making any visible progress, I was able to hold on to the fact that I had done my homework assignments. I'd be wanting to kill myself, but at least I had smiled at three people, or at least I'd called my sister, or at least I'd bought some new shoes. When you're really depressed, you need something tangible to remind you that you're really really trying.

I also think it helps the therapist know better what you need work on. My therapist has given me some homework assignments that I didn't do, and usually I'm straight up about it. Because I usually do her other assignments, she knows I'm not just being lazy--that I need some help. And she adjusts.

I sympathize with being attached, but if your therapist keeps hinting that she's not able to help you much more than she has, maybe you should listen to her. Suffering out of a sense of loyalty doesn't really benefit you.

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by button30

s long as you think she is helping, thats all that matters...healing takes time. maybe it might be useful to write her a letter with all the ways she has helped you so far, so you can clarify in your head she is helping and at the same time show her she is helping you too, sometimes its easy to look past all the littly things that are a big help. I did this for my T on our closing session wrote her a big long letter with all the ways she had helped and after I read it back, I was delighted with my progress and so was she.

That is an interesting idea. I tend to be shy about sharing things like that with her, but maybe I should push myself. Or at least write it for myself.

Thanks,
EJ

[Eliza Jane]

Thanks for your comments. I sorta loathe CBT based on previous experiences, but maybe I need to talk to T about taking this approach more

I'm not ready to leave my T yet, but I should at least be open to that possibility instead of freaking and dismissing it right away.

Thanks!
EJ

Originally Posted by autotelica

As much as CBT is hated on here, I have to say that I like how "meat and potatoes" my therapist is with me. Even when I was seriously depressed and not making any visible progress, I was able to hold on to the fact that I had done my homework assignments. I'd be wanting to kill myself, but at least I had smiled at three people, or at least I'd called my sister, or at least I'd bought some new shoes. When you're really depressed, you need something tangible to remind you that you're really really trying.

I also think it helps the therapist know better what you need work on. My therapist has given me some homework assignments that I didn't do, and usually I'm straight up about it. Because I usually do her other assignments, she knows I'm not just being lazy--that I need some help. And she adjusts.

I sympathize with being attached, but if your therapist keeps hinting that she's not able to help you much more than she has, maybe you should listen to her. Suffering out of a sense of loyalty doesn't really benefit you.

[growlycat]

It sounds more like self-doubt on the therapist's part. That can be very scary! She sounds like she wants to help but her own insecurities are in the way. Hope she has a consultant!!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by growlycat

It sounds more like self-doubt on the therapist's part. That can be very scary! She sounds like she wants to help but her own insecurities are in the way. Hope she has a consultant!!

II'm so sorry to hear that you are in pain. I would question her as to her thinking someone else might be better able to help you. I wish therapists were trained better when it comes to dependency. It's so frustrating.
I wish you luck!