[livie15]

Ever since I started therapy (about a year ago, after the death of my parents) I have had trouble expressing emotion and feeling with my T. I'm extremely comfortable with her, and she is great- very patient and sweet. However, she has been gently coaxing me to express emotions- tears, anger- because she says that she noticed I shut down when I get close to showing myself vunerable and exposed. We have talked about this a lot, and I finally told her I have a hard time showing myself in this state because every time I tried to shw emotion as a child, I got no reaction from my parents- and I couldn't handle that if my T just sat there and stared at me while I cried. We worked something out, but I never though that it would actually happen.
At last week's session, T was digging deep. Bringing up some feelings I never even knew I had. Halfway through the session, I felt an overwhelming rush of tears come to the surface. I couldn't do anything but focus on keeping them down. T kept coaxing gently- "Olivia, can you look at me?", "It's okay, you're safe here. If you need to, just let go,". After 5+ minutes of me unsuccessfully trying to collect myself, T asked if it was okay if she sat with me on the couch. I agreed, and she came over and sat with me. She spoke softly, encouraging me to let go and clean the pain out. Finally, she asked if I could look at her. I did, and started to sob. My head fell against her shoulder and I just cried and cried and cried. She gently rubbed my back and told me that it was good, that she was proud of me, that I proved how strong I was (Gentle touch and encouragement was part of our little "just in case" plan). This went on for the rest of the session, and she had to delay the other person in the waiting room just so I could collect myself. T promised me she wouldn't kick me out at the end of a session a mess, and I feel good that she kept her promise. She acted like it was okay and she sees it every day- but I am so close to not going to my appointment tomorrow.

I'm sorry this is so long- I needed to vent
But in all seriousness, how can I go back? I can't quit now and start all over. Any advice is appreciated!!

[Hope-Full]

Your T is SO proud of you right now Olivia, you probably have no idea. It's always terrifying to go back after an emotional breakdown like that - which really should be called an emotional breakTHROUGH

PLEASE go to your appointment tomorrow - it may very well be a turning point for your work. It is often the most painful, hardest, most embarrassing things that happen in therapy that make for a springboard of growth.

For me, I can't express anger, it just doesn't feel safe for me to do so. For the last year and a half, T has been encouraging me to express myself, even if I get angry. She's mentioned a few times how I can get angry, and no one needs to get hurt! Well, the first time I got angry with my T... I had a breakdown in session and ended up sobbing wordlessly for a while. I never actually got it together enough to talk, but that evening I left T a rather not nice message (kinda long, too.) The next morning I woke up and was SO embarrassed! I did not want to go back and face T ever again. I went back though, and T actually clapped. She was thrilled I was angry with her. Once her cheering was over, we talked through it, and yes, it was a big growth session for me.

Keep going. T is well prepared to handle this. She is obviously there for you based on the plans you set up for situations like this - not all Ts would agree to do what yours did for you! Keep trudging ahead, it will be well worth it!

So is the underlying emotion embarrassment? It's ok, honest . I agree with hopefull, it was break through. Things won't be weird, and T was there when you needed her, she didn't kick you out. She is still safe a place for you, she proved it. Someday you may be the client who appointment starts late due to the break through of another. It's all part of the process, congrats...I can't even cry yet.

Originally Posted by livie15

Ever since I started therapy (about a year ago, after the death of my parents) I have had trouble expressing emotion and feeling with my T. I'm extremely comfortable with her, and she is great- very patient and sweet. However, she has been gently coaxing me to express emotions- tears, anger- because she says that she noticed I shut down when I get close to showing myself vunerable and exposed. We have talked about this a lot, and I finally told her I have a hard time showing myself in this state because every time I tried to shw emotion as a child, I got no reaction from my parents- and I couldn't handle that if my T just sat there and stared at me while I cried. We worked something out, but I never though that it would actually happen.
At last week's session, T was digging deep. Bringing up some feelings I never even knew I had. Halfway through the session, I felt an overwhelming rush of tears come to the surface. I couldn't do anything but focus on keeping them down. T kept coaxing gently- "Olivia, can you look at me?", "It's okay, you're safe here. If you need to, just let go,". After 5+ minutes of me unsuccessfully trying to collect myself, T asked if it was okay if she sat with me on the couch. I agreed, and she came over and sat with me. She spoke softly, encouraging me to let go and clean the pain out. Finally, she asked if I could look at her. I did, and started to sob. My head fell against her shoulder and I just cried and cried and cried. She gently rubbed my back and told me that it was good, that she was proud of me, that I proved how strong I was (Gentle touch and encouragement was part of our little "just in case" plan). This went on for the rest of the session, and she had to delay the other person in the waiting room just so I could collect myself. T promised me she wouldn't kick me out at the end of a session a mess, and I feel good that she kept her promise. She acted like it was okay and she sees it every day- but I am so close to not going to my appointment tomorrow.

I'm sorry this is so long- I needed to vent
But in all seriousness, how can I go back? I can't quit now and start all over. Any advice is appreciated!!

Your T sounds wonderful, and I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. Last time I cried in session, my T moved closer to me, put her hand on my foot (just for comfort contact) and when that didn't work,she did that "this little piggy goes to market" kid song with my toes. lol. I still went back after that. You sound very strong....your T knows this. She will be happy to see you.

[livie15]

If I can get past this embarrassment, hopefully I can release some more tears sometimes soon... The relief was amazing... I just hope I can trust her so much more now.

[livie15]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

So is the underlying emotion embarrassment? It's ok, honest . I agree with hopefull, it was break through. Things won't be weird, and T was there when you needed her, she didn't kick you out. She is still safe a place for you, she proved it. Someday you may be the client who appointment starts late due to the break through of another. It's all part of the process, congrats...I can't even cry yet.

Lola, you WILL cry- I promise that. Before that appointment I haven't cried since my grandma died when I was 15. That was YEARS ago. Your T will hit the right spot eventually and it will all come out.

[KazzaX]

This is what my T is trying to get me to do.. lol. I don't think I could go back afterwards. Too humiliating. Sounds really horrid. You could always go back and if she gives you attitude or gloats at you, find a new T.

[livie15]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

This is what my T is trying to get me to do.. lol. I don't think I could go back afterwards. Too humiliating. Sounds really horrid. You could always go back and if she gives you attitude or gloats at you, find a new T.

I can't see her gloating or giving me attitude- she isn't like that. It's more the embarrassment of having to face the facts of that session and knowing I haven't cried all the tears I need to.

[adel34]

Sounds like such a hard session, but like your t was really there for you! It's normal to feel embarrassed after opening yourself up like that.