[SoupDragon]

I have always felt strongly the push / pull of therapy - on a couple of occasions I have nearly bolted and even started exploring whether other therapists should take me on instead (never told my T this) - the other therapists encouraged me to stick wiht my current T and talk about my difficulites. Last week was tough for me, there has been a lot going on im my life, then on top of everything my dog had a stroke and has been really poorly. I fetl very...well something - agitated I guess, really bad suicidal thoughts, eventually leading to minor SI and horrible derealisation / dissociation stuff. I thought I was going to lose my grip on things and the only thing I could think of doing was to tell my T that I wanted a break from therapy (sent an e-mail saying this).

Had my session yesterday and I have come away thinking that my T has given up on me, my T has suggested a review session and asked me whether I want it next week or the week after - I said next week as I want to get it over and done with, if my T is going to tell me that it is best to work with someone else.

I am trying to be cool about it - strong - but inside I am really terrified of feeling rejected - this is my first attempt at therapy and I have no idea what to expect from a reivew session - what my T might say or what I am expected to say.

For example I know that I have been discouraged from talking about my SI and suicidal thoughts - I know I wouldn't actually go through with a suicide attempt because I have 2 young children and couldn't leave them when they still need me. But once I did do something harmful (no permanent injury) just to try to stop the thoughts (definitely didn't have an intention of ending it all) and I am also aware that a bit of me has a plan, although I know I wouldn't ever do it, having it gives me some security and when I think of getting rid of it I feel more anxious. Does my T need to know this - I don't want to be judged as high risk as I know I am not.

I would really appreciate hearing others peoples experiences

[Splintered]

Maybe your t is suggesting a review session so you can see that you have made some progress while you've been seeing him? I've never had a review session but it doesn't sound like something where the t would tell you they don't want to work with you anymore. Maybe he's picking up on your push/pull and is wondering whether you want to carry on working with him. Do you feel like you would be this way with another t? Is your t the one who is discouraging you from talking about your SI and suicidal thoughts? I don't think he should be discouraging you from talking about those things or at least talking about the triggers and feelings around those things. I just re-read your post and saw the bit about you emailing him to suggest taking a break from t. To me it sounds like he may have suggested the review session as a response to that to see what you've gotten out of therapy so far and if it's a good time to take a break. It sounds like the worse things get with you the more you're pulling away. Does your t have any idea how bad things were for you last week or did you just say you wanted a break? I'm feeling a bit dissociated today myself so feel like I'm rambling a bit, sorry. I hope your dog is doing okay. Sorry about all the questions! No need to answer them - just maybe things to think about.

[elliemay]

I might be wrong, but I suspect this review session is designed to remind you of the progress that you have made and to evaluate where you will go in the future.

I think sometimes people get so "lost" in therapy that they begin to lose the "big picture" - that even though the steps forward may be small, when taken together they add up to a big move forward.

It's nice to have the designated opportunity to look back.

[I_Love_Pink80]

I never knew they did review sessions?? Keep me updated on what it is about.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by I_Love_Pink80

I never knew they did review sessions?? Keep me updated on what it is about.

I had heard of review sessions on some T's websites - but as they were never talked about before, I assumed they were just a way of being told that things weren't working - however I have also been thinking that maybe my T is calling by bluff - sort of do I want to continue or not - actually if that what it is about I think it may be good for me to really reflect and at last get stuck in to some serious work and at last feel I am getting somewhere.

I will let you know the mystery of the "review" after Tuesdays session.

It sounds like your T is simply being responsive to your expressed desire to take a break? And wants to review together in a thoughtful way whether this is really what you want and need, rather than saying 'ok- bye then' when it might have been a way to communicate your distress or concern that therapy wasn't helping you?

Soup, although I obviously don't know for sure, I agree with what Splintered said. I don't think that during this review, your therapist is going to give up on you and quit. I think your T just wants to maybe encourge you and really be attuned to what you need to keep moving forward. Please let us know how it goes and keep posting if you feel you need to keep talking. We are here for you

[ECHOES]

My thought is that he wants to help you see how you have benefitted from therapy. Sometimes it is hard to see. I think he may be wishing for you to stay.

[dismantle.repair]

My therapist suggested we have a review session if I decide to start meds.
The thing is, when I left over the holidays, it was supposed to be our last session ever... But I still had some unresolved things.
So she suggested that she just make sure I didnt deteriorate over the hols. And nowit's the meds. :\

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you for all your replies, I am still feeling a little nervous (well quite a lot, I have a habit of destroying good things and wonder if this is what I am trying to do with my T).

Can anyone offer me any guidance on how I should prepare for this review myself - what sort of things I should bring up to talk about.

[ECHOES]

I don't know that you have to prepare, unless you want to think about how you felt when you entered into therapy and how you feel now.

Last night I had an unexpected mini review that just came up in the course of things. We compared how I was when I entered therapy - extremely anxious, crying all the time, etc and how I am now - much less anxious and able to relieve the anxiety by doing things I've learned gradually through therapy, infrequent crying because I can see beyong what brings me to tears most of the time, etc. I told her how one phrase she said to me on the phone early in therapy when I mostly cried, rarely spoke - in a phone call where I was an emotional wreck she said "I would encourage you to Trust the Process". At the time I wasn't trusting anything, including her, but that phrase stuck with me. (I had also committed to myself to keep going to therapy because my history was to quit abuptly.) I told her last night how many times that phrase, "Trust the Process" has sustained me, that it gave me something to hold onto when there didn't seem to be anything else to hold onto. I told her how I pass it along here to others because it is so meaningful to me. I asked if she told all of her patients this and she said she doesn't and she seemed pleasantly surprised that this phrase was so helpful to me. She appreciated that feedback and some other things, and I appreciated her thinking with me about how therapy has progressed.

I don't know but I think your therapist wanting to review is a good thing, somethng connecting and helpful for you.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks for sharing this Echoes, that is a powerful phrase - trust isn't my strong point, I think I have been wanting to see instant results - CBT is supposed to work in 6 sessions and when I decided to go to therapy, I thought that 6 sessiosn would cure me - 15 months on and I didn't expect to be sitting in that room every week still trying to solve things - I am reflecting now and wondering whether actually it is the focus on myself that I am struggling with, I am just not used to focusoing on me, very good at fixing things for everyone else, this is an uncomfortable place for me to be, so maybe I was expecting to just have a little "maintenance" work and get back out into the world again able to deal with everything - maybe I need to learn to trust the process. I do so want to connect with my T, in my heart I believe that we could do some good work together, I am just scared I think.

[ECHOES]

That makes perfect sense That focus on myself is something I love and want more of in one instance, then want to run from it in another. It's hard. Therapy is hard. Trust is hard and sometimes slips away temporarily, or is enough trust to talk about 'this' but not enough trust to talk about 'that' (we talked about this last night too).

I love how your Pema Chodron quote so fits your post!!
You are a mighty courageous explorer!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

That makes perfect sense That focus on myself is something I love and want more of in one instance, then want to run from it in another. It's hard. Therapy is hard. Trust is hard and sometimes slips away temporarily, or is enough trust to talk about 'this' but not enough trust to talk about 'that' (we talked about this last night too).

I love how your Pema Chodron quote so fits your post!!
You are a mighty courageous explorer!

Yes maybe I should delve back into a couple of Pema's books again - sometimes I can see things so clearly and at other times it's like being caught up in some kid of tornado when I don't know what the hell is going on.

[ECHOES]

Me too! ~ her writing is soo calming and at the same time invites us to look deeper or from another angle

[SoupDragon]

Phew - so had my review.

I felt surprisingly calm today, which is some ways was unnerving, waiting for the anxiety to appear again - but it didn't - well maybe a little.

My T was great and we (well mostly he) talked about a few things.

Yes I do think this review was suggested in response to my request for a break - my T still wants to work with me and we were able to explore a few things like e-mail contact. My T said that I should do this whenever I want to, however if it started to become therapy via e-mail, then we may have to explore boundaries and potentially cost for my T's extra time. My T did say that it was important not to lose the content of the e-mails I have sent and so I assume that to mean at some point we should look at the content of my e-mails togther.

I am looking forward to my next session now - my T seems a little more human today and I hope this may mean that I can be more open and start to think about being with my feelings - or do I mean feel my feelings?