[zooropa]

trigger for mention of SI and sui

Just letting you guys know that I did go to my session today. I can't even adequately express how awful it was. I mean, I CAN'T, I keep trying to type it and I can't even do it.

This is how messed up I am: I walked out at the end of the session, even though T asked me not to. Then I freaked out and within an hour I called and asked her to give me another chance, asked her not to give up on me, asked her to let me come see her again this week to sort this out. Even I can't begin to understand that, because the session today was so horrible. Why on earth would I want to go back?

Spent the afternoon sleeping and crying and fantasizing about SI and sui. Then T called and said she can't fit me in this week. Which I totally expected. I don't know if I believe she can't or she won't, but I pretty much knew when I asked that the answer would be no.

And, again, I'm so messed up that even though I knew she would say no, her actually SAYING no sent me into another tail spin. I told her I want to kill myself. She said something, I have no idea what. I said, I have to go and I hung up on her.

I am in so much misery right now. I hate myself, I hate being myself, I hate seeing how I act and the things I do and say. I hate it. And I'm stuck in it, stuck in me, stuck WITH me.

Please don't reply and tell me how effed up my behavior is. I know that. I really do. I see it as clearly as you do, and it's worse for me because I feel it too. Don't tell me not to do things like that, don't tell me it doesn't make sense, don't ask me why I do it.

I hate myself. Hate. I want to cut and cut and cut until there's nothing left to bleed. I want to drink and take all my pills and sleep until there's no waking up. I want to do anything that will let me escape this prison of ME.

[ECHOES]

zoo, I just want to send a big bunch of hugs to you

[SpiritRunner]

zoo, I understand the pain, dear God in heaven, I understand the pain.....but please, as others urged me to do today, please stay safe. resist the urge to harm yourself, resist the thoughts, push them away, find something good to do. call someone safe if you can.......

I don't think your behavior is F-d up at all. It sounds like you are hurting and having a hard time, and just miserable inside. I'm sorry its so difficult.... please, please take care of yourself and don't hurt yourself.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Zoo,

I understand what drove what you did today, I have done those things in the past too. It doesn't make you a bad person, it's just that your emotions are taking over your logic during these times.

If I could give you one piece of advice it would probably be to be completely honest about what goes on in your mind when you act or react in certain ways. For example ( i may be wrong but this is just an example), when you walked out of the session today, part of you perhaps did it because you wanted her to worry about you and rescue you, or perhaps thats why you hung up after telling her you felt suicidal. I am not judging you at all but being honest about the thoughts behind the behaviour is often a good way to start gaining some control.

I am so sorry today's session was so awful, I cannot imagine how it must have felt having a bad session after being so afraid to go there in the first place ***huge hugs***. The reason that you called your therapist even though the session was awful is because she has been an important person in your life and even though there has been a lot go on between you lately, im guessing a part of you just wants her to be there for you and you fear loosing her

my heart goes out to you with this struggle

[zooropa]

I might take a break from PC for a while and I'm just saying that here so in case I'm not around right away nobody will worry. I think maybe being here is making me focus too much on this and not enough on the other things in my life, the real things, the things that will keep me grounded and keep me alive.

[rainbow8]

((((((zoo))))))

Thanks for saying you might take a break from PC so we won't worry about you if you do. I wish I knew what to say to you. I understand the attachment to your T even though you made that great list of what you want in a new T. It's hard! I never have wanted to give up my Ts!! I'm not judging anything you're doing. PLEASE stay safe and take care of yourself, whether you post or not. Maybe looking for a new T now will at least give you another option. Sending you love and safe hugs.

[jazzy123456]

you DO what keeps you well. sometimes life takes/spins us into these dark moments.......depression sui. ...all of those dark behaviors that go along with our feelings feel like FOREVER.. one of the most important things to remember when we're down on ourselves, when we lose hope, when all we can think about is how much we hate ourselves or our behavior is.... NOTHING is FOREVER... everything in life changes...even when we can't see it... the hard part isn't this realization, the hard part is being patient enough to SEE that change.

I PRAY healing, happiness, hope, increased understanding, self-love, and WISDOM in your life God Bless and yes, DO stay GROUNDED. very important.

[Lauru]

(((((zoo))))) I am so sorry things are so hard for you. I am there as well. Sending you best wishes and as always, do what you need to in order to be safe. Be well.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Just want to offer you support Zoo. Take care of yourself and I will be thinking of you!

[zooropa]

just popping in to say I'm feeling a little better today. I slept most of the afternoon and evening yesterday, and tossed and turned all night, but got up today feeling ok. I am finally starting to recover physically and that helps. I have an appointment later this week with a new doctor to get a second opinion, but I'm going to try to move that back a little and just take this week off from doctors and hospitals and procedures. I hope. That stuff is so triggering for me and it is when I'm triggered like that I start to want to call T. I need to not call her, and to not need to call her I need to just be okay. Does that make any sense at all?

I have found myself being sort of preoccupied with thoughts of T a couple of times today, but rather than push it away I'm trying to accept that part of me that keeps going back to it. That part is just trying to make it all make sense, and I am trying to be compassionate and understanding with that part of me.

There were a lot of really hard, really painful moments in my session yesterday. I don't know if I will post about it here or not. I think in some ways posting here just confuses me. Just the process of putting it down is overwhelming. And trying to process this stuff with T without her being here is just...it's impossible. If it's going to be worked out it has to be worked out between her and I.

At one point she said "there is no repairing the relationship" and I was so shocked. I said, "wait, did you just say there's no repairing the relationship?" And she said "did I?". That says it all, right there. As much as it hurt me to hear her say that, I think she was right. I know deep down she was right.

At this point I don't have an appointment scheduled with her, I think. She tried to get me to agree to come in at my usual time next Monday but I didn't say I would. To me that means I don't have an appointment. I wish I knew for sure because I worry that she put me in her book anyway and will charge me if I don't show up.

I know myself well enough to know that I can't decide on Tues whether I will go in on Monday or not. I mean, I CAN decide now, but my decision will change with the wind between now and then. The best thing I can do right now is not schedule an appointment, and not schedule my ride.

I really, really forced myself to go in yesterday, and it was as bad if not worse than my imagination made it out to be. I am not inclined to do that again. Even while I was talking to her I kept saying "this is so pointless", because that's how it felt. Pointless to go around and around and around with her. Pointless to go around and around without her. I just need to get off the freaking carousel.

I have a little bit of worry that she will call or text me, but I don't actually think she will. The best thing for me right now would be just quiet, a lack of communication between us.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

At one point she said "there is no repairing the relationship" and I was so shocked. I said, "wait, did you just say there's no repairing the relationship?" And she said "did I?".

This is confusing? What would she mean by "did I"?

[zooropa]

I have no idea. I said "yeah, you did." and she just said "well, I meant, we've repaired the relationship before and there's nothing else I can say or do."

Then later when I said something about repairing again she said "you keep using that word, I don't know what that means when you say you want to repair the relationship." She also said I shouldn't have waited until 5 minutes before the end of the session to tell her I wanted to talk about our relationship, then a few minutes later (we ended up going over by about 20 mins I think) when I was crying and said "I want to try to fix things with you but you won't let me talk about it on the phone and now you won't let me talk about it in here either" she said "we've been talking about our relationship for the last 50 minutes."

So, I was emotional and not getting a lot of what she was saying, but I do remember a few exchanges like that and it is clear to me that she wasn't really making a great deal of sense every minute, either. Or at the very least she was contradicting herself a lot.

[zooropa]

I was posting in another thread when I remembered this moment from my session yesterday:
I was getting to frustrated, so upset, and I was crying. I told T it feels like she is throwing up walls between us, and I put up my hands to show a wall. She said "I don't know what that means, I don't see any wall."

Really, T? REALLY? Did she think I meant a literal WALL?
If there had actually been a wall there in that moment I would have done this

[WePow]

((((((((Zoo))))))) omg. She just takes the cake.
Sending you TONS of hugs!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by zooropa

At one point she said "there is no repairing the relationship" and I was so shocked. I said, "wait, did you just say there's no repairing the relationship?" And she said "did I?". That says it all, right there. As much as it hurt me to hear her say that, I think she was right. I know deep down she was right.

.

replying to myself because in re-reading this I had a thought. Naturally this could be true or it could be nowhere near the truth, it is just a story I made up in my head. But. I think maybe when T said "there is no repairing the relationship" she was speaking from the heart. I think it's possible that it has gone too far, gone on for too long, and that she has decided on some level that relationship repair is not going to happen.

I mean, she said more than once that she didn't know what I meant my "repair" and she also said she didn't know I wanted to talk about our relationship, when I clearly said I did. I think she is not wanting to have US be the focus of our sessions, and that she has done and said all she will do or say in terms of "fixing" it with me.

If I can come into some kind of acceptance of the fact that that may be the case, it will make things go easier for me. If.

[rainbow8]

zoo, your T sounds more than a little confused!

[Lauru]

oh zoo...

I am sorry this is turning out so badly. I have been hoping for you that things would work out. Sending you lots of hugs

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( zoo )))))

I wish things were easier for you.....I am hopeful, though, that you are realizing how much inner strength you have...and recognize the wisdom and skills that you've used. Emotions can be SO intense...and SO HARD to deal with.