Why is it okay to tell T personal stuff?

I know that sounds like a question with an obvious answer: because a T is like a doctor and has to know what's wrong in order to help us. But why do we have to "expose" ourselves? I'm asking because I am struggling with talking to my T about some of my problems. I don't know how to talk about them. I want to hide. It's not about abuse, just things that will make me blush. I already started talking in bits and pieces about something, but since my last session I want to tell her more. It feels urgent! On the other hand, parts want to stop the part who wants to talk about this stuff. The part who wants to talk trusts my T and thinks she will help.

But I'm ashamed to talk about it. I emailed her that I was scared and wanted to hide under all the pillows on her couch. I don't want to say the words. But it's so silly. I worried about something for my whole teenage years because I wouldn't say the words. My T already knows but I want to do it over with her. I want her to be my mother and I will tell her what was wrong back then. But why is it okay to tell all this personal stuff? It's like being naked before my T. I don't know if it's okay or not. I know she will say it is, but WHY? Logically I know, but emotionally I don't know understand why it's okay to tell her things that make me ashamed from long ago. Also, why do I want to tell her so badly?

I don't know if you are talking about sexual stuff, but this is something I just talked to my T about in my last session. I asked him if it felt uncomfortable to him when people told him really specific things. And he said that yeah, at first it did. But he thinks about how much harder it is for the person doing the telling. And he said that he almost imagines holding the words, the story, gently on a pillow, because it deserves that kind of respect and care.

I have some things I just can't open my mouth and say. I can totally form the sentences in my head but I can't get them to come out of my mouth. It's frustrating, but it's scary and embarrassing, and I'm scared of being judged, and T being uncomfortable, and me being exposed and so many other things.

T told me that when he had to say the hardest thing he had to say in therapy he finally just literally took a big breath one day and SAID IT. Like jumping off a cliff. And he didn't die. And at first he felt worse, but then he felt BETTER. And I do want to feel better.

We need to tell what we need to tell. It's hard. But I really do believe it's worth it.

The way I look at it, it's the T's job to help us make ourselves better. They're hired for a job & the job entails hearing intimate details of someone else's life & to process that info in an unbiased manner. I don't feel shy at all about telling my T things, even though I'm new at this. If I didn't want help, I wouldn't be there. And, if I want help, I have to honest about myself. I like that I can tell my T things that would otherwise just make my mom cry... Wishing you strength... xxxxx

Thank you tree. I'm going to remember that "we need to tell what we need to tell." It's not actually about sex. I wasn't going to say, but I'll just write this much. It's about physical stuff; I've mentioned that before on here. I need to say the words to explain something I was worried about, and to explain how something my first T asked me, triggered me. She said the words and I couldn't stand it. Maybe it does have a little to do with sex. I'm not going to write about it here. I have really dumb hangups that other people would think are silly. But I'm going into panic mode thinking about talking to my T. The shame must run very deep inside of me or I wouldn't feel this way. I would have just asked my mother and not worried about something for 8 years, all by myself. No internet to get answers the easy way back then. I did tell my T this already but not enough about the words and how bad I felt, but how excited I felt, when my first T asked me something.

the only way out is through...

i think treehouse said it best. as I struggle with the same thing.

I do agree that it is there job to listen and if they are constantly
feeling uncomfortable they should have chosen a different career path...

I mean, I've never been a therapist so idk but, it seems to me, that
it would be much much harder for us to open our mouths than it
is for them to just sit and listen.

Hell, I've been a confidant/ listener in people's lives my whole life
and its always been much harder to share than its been to listen to them.

The services that a therapist provide are so different then a doctor. A doctor can run tests. Do X-rays, blood work, biopsy, etc to come to a conclusion about treatment. Therapist's are almost totally dependent on our clients giving us all possible information. It is exposure. Deep, personal, exposure. That's the only way we get the "films" for the "x-ray".

I think sometimes you can talk "around" issues first. Addressing it as "I am struggling because I don't know how to talk about something. It's so intense I want to hide. I want to blush, etc" And you can address the feelings around it and then T will hopefully help more and more pieces out by showing you it's safe.

I wonder if it feels urgent because it IS safe? There's this person, readily available, able to listen and help without judgement. The relief we feel is tremendous when we share bits and pieces of our soul and see it really IS ok.

It makes sense you want to "re-do" this with your T. You want to get appropriate responses. Therapy is a good place to do that. It's ok to tell her this stuff because she is safe, is there for you, and will never hurt you. While it is generally unsafe to be "naked" with most people, you can be "naked" with T and trust that no harm will come to you. She will not belittle, abuse, or take advantage. She will probably sit with you, in the feelings of vulnerability, and validate the entire experience.

It's ok because T is an okay person, who has created a safe place for you to say anything you need to say to continue on your journey of healing.

Good luck to you.

Hey Rainbow hun,

It sounds like you have been taking a lot of brave steps in therapy and you should be really proud of yourself for that.

You ask "but why do we have to expose ourselves?" The thing is, we don't have to. It's a choice we make to go to therapy and usually prior to going we know the issues we want to discuss, so we are infact going so we can deal with those issues. Also we have the control of what we do or don't say.

Sometimes suffering in silence and having thoughts going around in your head is really self destructive and the only view we are getting on the issue in that case is our own, which often is one sided and sometimes blindsighted.
It is very rare that with the people in our own lives that we will talk to them and know that there is a high if not complete guarantee of things such as confidentiality, a impartial/ non judgemental view, unconditional positive regard towards you and someone who has your best interests at heart. It is often these reasons people choose to see a T and talk about the difficult problems.

You don't have to express anything you aren't ready to express. Is it the vulnerability you feel from self-expressing itself that bothers you, or is your concern more about what you specifically want to talk about?

I can relate to that. Revealing deeply personal and private stuff is hard! I remember trying to tell former T something, and I ended up closing my eyes and whispering stuff to him. Eventually he guessed. It's difficult letting ourselves be so vulnerable with someone, and trusting them to accept and protect us and to take care for us.

It's okay to express your feelings, Rainbow. It's okay to simply be yourself. She's a great T and she will accept whatever it is you want to express and care for you through this. Maybe you could do this very slowly and gently, at a pace that you are most comfortable with.

Talking about things and putting them out in the open can lessen the power these feelings have over you. She may be able to point out distortions or offer you new thoughts to consider. You might come to learn that your shame is misplaced. You might be able to offer yourself more compassion and acceptance. There is some need to tell her this, and to express what you've been feeling. I think it's good to listen to that.

I hope you can offer yourself some kindness with less judgment in this, Rainbow. They're your genuine and honest feelings. I think it's good to respect that.

You're judging yourself harshly in this and also worrying about being judged by others. It's okay to just be, Rainbow. You're a valuable, worthy, and lovable human being just as you are.

Take care.

Salmacis: thank you! I know you're right; it's just that I'm so embarrassed about some of my issues. I'm usually very honest in therapy and I'm not afraid to tell my T anything but some things are hard to say and I don't like blushing in front of my T. (or anyone for that matter)

jazzy: thank you. I know my T won't be uncomfortable, but I will! I know I can do it, though. I want to so I will. I hate to feel embarrassed, though. For me, the problem and the solution are kind of the same, if that makes any sense at all.

stormyangels: Your reply was exactly the reassurance I needed, especially coming from a T. Thanks SO much! Yes, it's because my T is safe that I want to go deeper with her than my other Ts. I want to share it all with her and have her accept me. I want that very badly.

dizgirl: I "suffered in silence" most of my life. I wouldn't let people in, especially not my mother. I want to tell my T everything I wanted to tell her but couldn't.

brightheart: thank you! It's not so much about expressing feelings but using the words I have to use in order to talk about it. It's the subject that makes me feel vulnerable. It's about my body. I want to cross that out. I don't know if I'm even allowed to write those words here, let alone say them to my T. And that's only the beginning. I know I'm judging myself. I have to remember that it's only a PART of me that's stuck at a childhood stage. Most of me is grown-up.

I forgot to say that I got my one email from my T. She said what I wrote to her was okay, she knows it feels embarrassing, and that we will listen to the concerns of all my parts but "hopefully we're going to help you work through it." I love my T!

Can you write it out and give it to her. I just went into some very personal, very embarassing stuff with my t and I was able to write it and have her read it. It helped a lot. I didn't even use the actual words, and neither did she - but we both knew what we were talking about, if that makes sense. For me, being able to write it out was a big thing, and it took some of the scary out of it. The shame was still there, but it's better now a little because I know T knows and still thinks of me in the same caring way. It's worth the risk, but it is a huge risk.

doogie, I'm glad "writing it out" helped you. The thing is, I've already done that--written her emails and even talked some about this in my sessions already. But I reported my feelings to her, like it wasn't about me at all. Now I have to use the words and talk to her and BE there, and accept it's ME I'm talking about it. It hasn't helped enough to write it out but it's a start for me. Thanks!

That's why it's important; to learn how to talk about anything and everything that pertains to you; if you don't know "how" you don't have all the words you need for your life, don't understand all the emotions you feel but can't differentiate (because you don't quite have the words yet). Stumbling through the psychotherapy landscape is like learning a new language and at first you can't say much and the other person and you "laugh" at some of your mistakes, etc. but, as you practice, you get better and better until soon you are able to live/dream in that language.

It's your life, your emotions, your experience; you should be comfortable with all of it and not have any part of "you" that trips you up.

Yah, this stuff needs to be worked through and you can't work it through when it is stuck in your head. It has to come out so that you can look at it and work through it with the help of your T. Good luck!

=jazzy >>>> the only way out is through... i think treehouse said it best. as I struggle with the same thing.

same here. I don't want to tell the answer to the question she has assigned me; I DO NOT WANT TO go back into all that ****.
I'm trying to face the fact that the only way out ..... is through....

to all of you on the same road.

My T's quote on her website is: "The best way out is always through." She attributes it to the poet Robert Frost, whom she said had a difficult life with a lot of losses. I have to look that up.

I wish it were therapy day already. I want to feel the feelings; she already knows the facts. I have to use the words and see that I survive but I have to BE there and not space out. That's the hard part.

SAWE:

It's OK to tell T personal stuff because it's part of their job to hear it and to help you with it! Even if it's hard to say, some things must be said.....and best to be able to say them to someone who is impartial, objective, held by confidentiality rules, someone who is trained to help you with them.......

Thanks, poet.

I just looked at the Women's forum on PC. Posters write about intimate parts of their body and ask questions. I have to talk about those things with my T. I can't even write them. I keep imagining my session, just saying what I need to but I'm too triggered by it. I wish I didn't have this part stuck where she is. Too many feelings are all mixed-up and I know they're from the past, not about now. Maybe I'm making it more complicated than it is.

My former T once asked me why I'm holding onto shame. I got angry with her because she thought it may be because I didn't want to quit therapy. This is a REAL issue for me, not about wanting to stay in therapy!! She didn't understand anything, just told me part of me didn't grow up.

I'm not afraid of my T. I'm afraid of ME.

i couldn't have put it better myself, rainbow8.

I am afraid of ME, and my emotions and thoughts and fears, too......never have been afraid really of my T.......

I feel naked in front of my T. I just figured I had to tell to get better. Once undressed it becomes much easier. I am struggling with infertility and I know I will not have any children. I told her last week that I am grieving the death of my child and was ashamed because I did not have a child that died. She called it disinfranchised grief and it was normal. Then she shared something personal with me and I was shocked. I shared and did not fall apart. My perception is improving and sharing that secret was healing. If I did not get undressed I would be stuck right where I was. Suffering alone was not working for me after 4 years of trying to get pregnant. I am still hurting but maybe she can help me with some resources or support. Now the adoption process is digging up my past. So I need to learn to share with the adoption social workers. I am glad people are trained to listen to all this bad stuff. Peace be with you.

This is soooooooo me! I think I'm going to fall into one big mess if I let go. I KNOW I will! This especially applies to anger for me. I'm afraid I'll destroy eveything around me if it even leaks out a smidgen.

Hey, I missed you, karebear! Have you ever told your T about your fears of destroying everything around you if your anger leaks out? Maybe she can reassure you that it won't happen in therapy, that she will keep you and herself safe.

I'm not sure what I'm afraid of happening. I've always kept my hurt feelings from childhood deep inside of me. Maybe I'm afraid, as usual, that it will feel TOO good with my T if I have some sort of catharsis in the session. I hold back and don't cry. I'm also afraid of being too embarrassed in front of my T, like looking icky and messy though I know it would be okay with her. Therapy is SO hard.