[googley]

This week in session we were talking about my experiences in college. I was telling T how I had been admitted to the hospital while in college and how it had been stressful dealing with the doctors and hospital staff who wouldn't listen to me. She asked me if my parents had come visit me when I was hospitalized. I said that my parents hadn't visited. She was surprised that they hadn't. She said that most parents would fly out to visit their child if they were hospitalized. I was in the hospital for a week and a half so it wasn't like it was a day or two. I was surprised at this. I guess if I think about it, if I had a kid I would definitely fly out to visit them if they ended up admitted to a hospital. I know there are parents on here. Would you go visit a child who is in college and has been hospitalized? I guess I'm just trying to figure it out. I guess I just wasn't surprised given how my parents have been during my life. Any insight? What would you do?
Addition:
To clarify as some people have brought this up, my parents could have afforded to visit if they had wanted to, money was not an issue in their decision making.

[sunrise]

Googley, it depends on what the hospitalization was for and how old and self-sufficient the child was. For example, I had nose surgery due to an accident when I was in college and was 20 years old. My parents did not come, and I didn't think that was the wrong choice. I had friends who looked after me.

For a psychiatric hospitalization, no matter how brief the stay or how old my child, yes, I absolutely would fly there, as soon as I could.

ETA: I don't know why your parents didn't visit, Googley, but it sounds like it might be a wound you are now discovering. I think sharing in session can be helpful. Maybe you will grieve some with your T that you didn't get from your parents what you would give to your own children. (My T and I are doing grief work from this era now.)

I hate to say this, but it would really depend on how serious the issue was. We don't have extra money lying around to buy plane tickets. That would be something we would have to consider. May sound harsh, but if you don't have the money, you can't go.

[Bill3]

Yes, we would go.

[PreacherHeckler]

I wouldn't be able to afford it. I already live below poverty level as a divorced single parent. I can't even afford a car, much less plane fare.

[lastyearisblank]

For me being hospitalized definitely clarified the limits of my parents' involvement as a support network. I completely idolized my parents for most of my childhood and teen years. No response when I was in the hospital. None (we lived in the same city). I called them like a million times (collect!) and left a million voice mail messages and they never answered. It was not a tough love thing, it was total shunning. They are scared of therapists and hospitals. Sometimes these kind of things can help you clarify your own limits. And they can help you broaden your circle and reach out. Both my T and my best friend called me back in the hospital which is something that I will always remember and be very grateful for. But yeah it was a HUGE reality check. So now I leave someone else as my emergency contact number. C'est la vie.

[velcro003]

i'm not a parent, but i know i would go. i have issues with my parents, but i know they would have gone to the hospital...especially if it was for a week and a half!

[googley]

The issue was not money for my parents. They would have been able to afford to visit if they had wanted to.

I would most definitely go to support my children if they were hospitalized for whatever the reason.

When I was in college, my therapist spoke to my parents about how suicidal I was at one point. They immediately got in the car and drove all night to be with me without a second thought. It was a long drive and money was tight, but money was never an object when it came to emergency situations. They always did whatever they had to do to support us.

My own son was hospitalized three times two summers ago for depression. While the distance wasn't an issue, I know without question that we would have traveled to be there for him if we had to. We were by his side in the emergency room, during his admission, we made sure we were there every single day for visitation, we attended family groups with him, and we were there to support him when he came back home. That is just what you do as a parent.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by velcro003

i'm not a parent, but i know i would go.

same here. if i had the means to do so, i would certainly go regardless of my child's age...

[Flooded]

I absolutely would go immediately without question.

[granite1]

i would definitely visit if it was my son.I'm sorry your parents didn't come visit.did you ever ask why?

the first time i was hospitalized i was 15 and my parents never came to visit.the school brought me.they filed some kind of CHINS petition or something like that.the hosp called my farther to let him know i was there and they never came.when i was discharged the councilor from the school needed to come bring me home because my parents said walk home.i didn't know the insurance situation but i ended up with a hosp bill.my farther made me go myself once a week and pay only a dollar toward the bill.i think this was just to humiliate me because he had plenty of money.they were just angry that i was there and wanted nothing to do with it.

[deliquesce]

would you have wanted your parents to come, googley?
or is it that you now wish you had the type of parents who would've come?

[skeksi]

That is an excellent distinction, deli!

[TayQuincy]

I would definitely find a way to be there if at all possible, but i wouldn't say that parents who don't are awful or not caring about their child. I think that it depends on the circumstances and the individual child etc. One of my friends from group made her 5th suicide attempt and her therapist strongly suggested to her parents not to visit her in the hospital. They didn't, although they had been there after the previous attempts. The therapist said that that visiting would serve to reinforce the behavior because she learned that she could get attention and support from them and everyone else from doing this. (I am NOT saying that she did this just for attention, she was obviously in a great deal of emotional pain and deserved attention from the mental health care providers and her doctors) Her therapist was trying to help them see that running to her side every time she hurt herself was, in her mind, working to get their support, and that they needed to be there for her when she was out of the hospital. Before, they had really only been supportive during the crises. These repeated attempts were also taking a toll on her parents and they needed to take care of themselves too.

[SpiritRunner]

I don't know if I would go or not, but I would certainly call, I would certainly want to be in touch with my child if that were to ever happen to my child. Money IS an issue for us......
Anyway, it will be a long time before my kids are in college and I hope they never have to be hospitalized for psych reasons......
For myself, I don't think I would have wanted my parents to come see me.....it's not like they could just drop things and come running anyway, with other things going on in their lives. But definitely, a call, being in touch at least, matters to me.

[dizgirl2011]

I am not a parent but I would go if I was and my child was in hospital. I know my parents would also. However as other people have said it can depend on the family relationship and how independant the "child" was.

[PreacherHeckler]

Sometimes it doesn't mean much when parents show up. It doesn't necessarily mean they're loving, caring or supportive, and it bothers me when T's think that all parents who show up must be supportive or else they wouldn't be there. I was hospitalized in the mental health unit several times many years ago, when I was in my early 20's, and my parents came to the hospital and attended family therapy. All it did was it "proved" to them that I was the problem that needed to be fixed, and if they could just "fix me" then the whole family would be fine.
Some parents are just good at "looking good."

[nannypat]

My son was hospitalized as a teenager. Though I didn't have to fly to get there, I did have to drive a good distance. I was in the middle of my own treatment for severe depression but I was there just about everyday.
My ex visited twice but caused fights with my son(not very supportive heh?) and was asked to leave the first time and told to not bother coming back the 2nd.

Even though I was an adult, I wish my parents had taken some, even just a little interest in what I was going through with my illness. I have come to understan though that that generation just never talked about mental illness or sex.

[googley]

Originally Posted by granite1

i would definitely visit if it was my son.I'm sorry your parents didn't come visit.did you ever ask why?

Before this week I never really thought about them not coming. I just didn't expect them to come because they like to pretend that everything is okay. It was frustrating to be ignored by the hospital staff when I told them that we didn't have a good relationship. They pretty much forced me to tell them I was in the hospital. (I didn't want to.) So I was treated as if I was the one who was the 'problem' and my parents were perfect even though they had been abusive since I was a kid and it continued while I was in college.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

would you have wanted your parents to come, googley?
or is it that you now wish you had the type of parents who would've come?

I don't know that I would have wanted my parents to come. As they were very good at presenting a 'perfect' face for others. I was upset that I was made to contact them (I got the sense that the hospital wouldn't let me out unless I told them). I don't know if I would have wanted them to come if they had offered. I guess it was just surprising to hear that parents would come. I didn't expect it of my parents. It would have been nice to have parents who would have come (as long as they would have been supportive when they came). But then if they had been like that, maybe things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did as they wouldn't have been abusive.

Thank you everyone for your input.

[Dr.Muffin]

thats a really interesting point. if you did have parents who wouldve come, would you have ever ended up in the hospital?

there are just so many factors that go into things like this, its so hard to say.

i know my mother would come. i mean if i called right now, she would come. i dont know if i want her there though! we have a great relationship but she's not exactly my "rock" i would be too worried about her falling apart i think.

[*doodles*]

I'm sorry you're parents did not come, googley
If my daughter were ever hospitalized, I would be there as fast as I could and support her in whatever way she needed or wanted me to.

I was in the hospital for about a week in college...I almost died from a kidney infection (so not psych hospital). I didn't even want to TELL my parents but I was on their insurance, so of course, I had to. They lived about 800 miles away from me at the time. My mom offered to come up, but I BEGGED her not to, and in the end, she didn't.

I wanted to be taken care of, not to have to take care of someone (which is what would have happened if she had come).

I'm sorry if you wanted your parents to come and they didn't

[googley]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

thats a really interesting point. if you did have parents who wouldve come, would you have ever ended up in the hospital?

i would be too worried about her falling apart i think.

There is part of this. I wouldn't have wanted to have to deal with supporting them as would probably have happened. If they were the type to come they probably wouldn't have been the ones telling me that I was better off dead. And not just once, but multiple times. And then it was of course my fault that it happened in the first place.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I was in the hospital for about a week in college...I almost died from a kidney infection (so not psych hospital). I didn't even want to TELL my parents but I was on their insurance, so of course, I had to. They lived about 800 miles away from me at the time. My mom offered to come up, but I BEGGED her not to, and in the end, she didn't.

I wanted to be taken care of, not to have to take care of someone (which is what would have happened if she had come).

I'm sorry if you wanted your parents to come and they didn't

I was lucky that i had my own insurance. But that did mean that I had to pay the hospital co insurance out of my own pocket. Which was really hard as a college student and recent graduate. I guess the more I think about it, the more I wouldn't have wanted them to come, but It was just surprising to hear that some parents would come. I knew that my family life was different, but I guess I didn't see this as one of those things.

[Bill3]

If they were the type to come they probably wouldn't have been the ones telling me that I was better off dead. And not just once, but multiple times. And then it was of course my fault that it happened in the first place.

Googley, I'm sorry that you parents spoke thus to you. You did not deserve it.