[sunrise]

There are a couple of interesting threads on attachment, and I didn't want to divert those with my questions, so thought I would start a new thread. (Can't have too much attachment, right? )

For those who are securely attached to their therapist, how long did it take you to get there?

What did your therapist do to help you attach securely? (And conversely, was there anything your T did that made it harder for you to attach?)

I'll post my own answers below in the thread...

[rainbow8]

You're right, sunrise. There can never be too many threads about t-attachment!

I think I'm GETTING there. I know you told me I needed a T to whom I could attach securely, and I know you think this T is the one to do that with. So do I!

It's over a year so it's taking me that long and I'm still working on it. But I do feel a sense of security with my T even though at times she may let me down. I feel like our relationship is secure and nothing will change that. It's a very good, safe feeling.

1. My T has made it easy to attach to her by her being authentic.
2. She is accessible, not up on a pedestal.
3. She has told me her feelings when appropriate.
4. She told me she likes me and will always like me no matter what I say or email to her.
5. She does IFS so she is always saying to accept all my parts and that she accepts them.
6. She's genuine. Maybe the same as authentic, but seems a little different to me.
7. She goes the extra mile often.
8. She is willing to touch me.
9. I feel how much she cares about me and that I'm not just her job.
10. She's told me the above.
11. She is consistent when she knows I need her to be, like in emailing me each week.
12. She tries hard to come up with ways to keep our connection strong, like the walks, the art projects, putting my collage up on her wall, having me light a match, for example.
13. She respects my religious beliefs.

The only things she's done to hinder my feeling secure is when she changed her email rule, when she forgot to email me once, when she said some things I thought meant she didn't understand me, and when she changes her mind about something we are going to do. However, now I know that it's the big picture that counts. We have a relationship and it's very stable, even if I may get upset about seeing the client after me, or knowing she and her family have a life excluding me. I honestly don't know how I got to this point, or if it's going to last, but I hope so. Thanks, sunrise, for this thread.

[sunrise]

For those who are securely attached to their therapist, how long did it take you to get there?
I think I took about 4-5 months to securely attach. I didn't have as much of the push-pull (withdraw-approach) dynamic going on that some experience, but I did go through a very intense phase early on when I thought about my T all the time. I had dreams about him and therapy, I looked him up on the Internet, I downloaded some pictures of him and looked at them frequently to help keep him in mind, I sought out information on things he mentioned in session (e.g. a restaurant he had visited) to feel more connected, etc. I thought about our sessions A LOT, replaying conversations, wondering what he meant when he said a certain word or phrase, recalling moments of intensity between us in his office, writing in my journal about them, etc. This all seemed highly aberrant to me and I was disturbed by it. Like, what was wrong with me?!

After a few months, I settled down, and now I know that was when I became securely attached. I still liked him a lot and wanted to be connected, but the the intensity began to subside, or at least the obsessed component of it did (I still feel intensely about him). We became really comfortable together, and it felt really good, like there was nothing wrong about it or aberrant. It was very satisfying (and still is). I was getting ready to do some really hard stuff in my life (get divorced), and the steadfastness of his support and strength of our relationship was really key for me in going through that. I don't think I could have done that without him. I'm also not sure I could have done it if I had continued to be "obsessed." Most of my attention needed to be elsewhere. I needed "us" to be there, but I also needed the topic of "us" not to take up too much of our precious talking time in session. So I think the immediacy of my real world problems helped keep the focus off of him. (I had so many fires to put out!) Our bond was just this strong, supportive, and omnipresent backdrop to our work. If I had gone to therapy without a big, urgent problem to solve in my life, I can see that I might have focused more overtly on the relationship with my T.

It helped me to read the Deborah Lott book, "In Session: the bond between women and their therapists," because then I knew it was not so unusual and aberrant to feel so close to your therapist. I also joined PC and read here of people's closeness (and sometimes fixation, obsession ) with their Ts. All that helped me not feel aberrant, which was helpful in allowing myself to securely attach.

What did your therapist do to help you attach securely? (And conversely, was there anything your T did that made it harder for you to attach?)
My T has done a number of things that helped me, and they are more apparent to me now, in hindsight.

He normalized our close bond by sometimes referring to it and sometimes "praising" it. When he talked about it, it was with the attitude that it was a great thing, not problematic or unusual. I was really too shy to talk about "us" much, so it helped that he would say these things, as it opened the door to some good discussions. Like one time after an intense interchange of sharing, he looked at me and gestured with his hand to encompass us both, and said, "this is intimacy." I will always remember that he said "intimacy" like it was a positive and normal thing to have in therapy and that he valued it and included himself in it too. Because intimacy cannot be one way.

He would sometimes give a very strong suggestion or interpretation--way beyond my ability to do for myself at the time. Once we were talking about a dream I had, and I remember he asked me what it was I wanted from him in the dream. "Was it love?" he asked, with no judgment. This was at one of our very first meetings and I felt . But looking back, I think it was great he said this very forward thing. It acknowledged that a client wanting love from a therapist was possible and perfectly acceptable. Quite a bit later, during analysis of another dream, he pronounced, "it sounds like you feel deeply partnered to me," and he said it in such a careful way--he didn't want to make me feel embarrassed or ashamed. Again, this helped.

He also helped me attach by acknowledging the reciprocity of the relationship. It wasn't just that I felt close to him, but that he was close to me too. I remember once I came to therapy after a few weeks break and just sat looking at him, feeling like it had been ages since I'd been there. I said to him, "it feels like I haven't been here for a long time," and he answered, "I missed you too," and smiled. I think that his modeling that more direct communication style was very helpful to me. It was f**king OK to say that I missed him! I have gotten much better about expressing feelings to him, including those positive ones.

I think it also helped that he is a T who told me about himself and his life. He didn't try to keep himself hidden from me. I think this made attaching easier for me.

We did not need to talk about the attachment much in order for it to happen. I didn't go through a phase of having to admit my closeness to him and dissecting my feelings with him, their origins, how we could use them, that I had googled him or thought about him a lot, etc. I know that it helps some people become securely attached to their T if they discuss the attachment, but for me, this wasn't the way it happened, so I guess it's not essential. We grew close by doing difficult work together and my sharing and his helping with instense "stuff" from my life. I think I was too good at hiding my feelings from myself back then to even know that I was attaching, so in a way, we couldn't really have talked about it, because I didn't know what was going on! (There is something very sweet to me now about how I was so oblivious. ) My T let me do it "my way", and I think that really helped too. It wasn't so threatening, and I got some validation from outside therapy--from people on PC, from the Deborah Lott book, etc. That external validation as well as the validation from T, and also the reinforcement from my own feelings (this feels good, this feels right, this feels helpful), helped me allow it to happen.

Thanks for letting me tell my "attachment story." I hope others will share theirs.

[WePow]

(((Sunrise))) Thank you for asking this question and for sharing your very wonderful relationship with your T here!

"For those who are securely attached to their therapist, how long did it take you to get there?"

A) For me, this is STILL happening :-) I will explain.

"What did your therapist do to help you attach securely? (And conversely, was there anything your T did that made it harder for you to attach?) "

A) For me, the relationship actually began when I saw his picture on his website. I thought he may be gay (he is not) - but he had that safe and gentle look to him. He looked like a man who would have NO physical interest in me. Seriously, this may sound like a small thing, but it was a TOP concern for me. I didn't need to add to my problems and I flat out didn't trust males. I had a few exceptions, one of them being one of my brothers who I was closest to growing up. It is funny, but I just discovered that my T reminds me a TON of that brother. So I think that is why I thought he looked safe enough to try out.

The next thing was that he returned my call. I had asked a handful of Ts to call with information, but they never responded. Now I believe it was my Higher Power helping me out with that. He was the one I actually wanted to call me back anyway! And he could see me right away. So his being available helped to me start to trust.

I will never forget the first time I saw him. My story is a bit different from what many Ts have heard in some ways. I fully expected him to either refuse to help me, flat out tell me he thought I was beyond help, or refer me to someone else. But what he did at the end of the intake session was say "Same time next week?"

I had never heard that question before, not even from my college T. To hear it from a stranger who had just started to hear my story was amazing to me. It was like he was telling me "I am willing to hear more and to help you out if you want me to." It just wasn't what I expected at all.

I also remember walking out and turning around to watch him walk from his office into the kitchen area. His head was kinda down and he had this look to him, it was humility. I could tell he had seen his share of pain. And I could tell he fought very hard to be a servant to his Higher Power. I knew he wasn't in it for the money or even for selfish reasons. What I saw was something I wanted one day... and still do... the heart of service.

The other thing that hit me very hard when I saw him at that moment was a very real internal voice that said "This ... STRANGER.... can kill you. He is the most dangerous person on the planet. He can destroy you from inside. Is it worth the risk?"

With each step, he has been there for me. It hasn't been an easy journey for either of us. I am certain he thought about referring me out more than once. And I often felt like there was no way I could get whatever it was I was trying to find from that "stranger". But he was always authentic with me. He was always willing to work through my issues with me. Also, he gave me space that I needed to do my own work.

When I was a child, I did NOT like to be held or hugged by my parents. They didn't know why, and I only recently found out it was trauma related attachment issues. And even now, I don't like others to be "latchy" onto me or even get close to my space. I am very guarded. VERY guarded.

But after my T started working with me and he offered me VERY VERY VERY safe hugs at the end of session (I actually started it by giving him a hug and he told me that he could give ME a hug if I wanted one, not the other way around), well, that was one of the MAJOR trust builders of our relationship.

For me, the trauma from males was always followed by me being left alone physically to ... I can't think of a phrase to describe it as it was so awful... but that sensation of being a pile of "stinky trash"... of not even deserving a hand to be helped off the ground... much less any type of comforting hug! Well, telling my T (this male stranger I was allowing to see me) that trauma junk would leave me emotionally feeling like I was right back there in the situation.

When he would give me his safe hug after I told him THOSE gawd awful things, he was telling me with his very guarded and conserved touch that I was NOT trash. That I was WORTHY of his safe touch to me. I can't explain it, but I would NOT have bonded with him without that hug. In fact, when he didn't offer me a hug after one session before we had our routine, I was in a tailspin just KNOWING how he thought of me the way all the other males thought of me. (Which wasn't the truth - but that was my trauma talking). But even still, no matter what may happen in session, no matter what small mistakes my T may make, I can latch onto that one reality at the end and I KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW that I am safe with him and can work through anything else.

The other thing he did was early on he gave me a transitional object (without calling it that). He gave me something small but very meaningful to him. He told me why it was meaningful to him. It is a stone that I named HOPE because that was actually what he was giving me... and it was something I did not have when I went in to see him. I have carried my HOPE stone with me EVERYWHERE. And it helps me when I try to convince myself that he doesn't care (when my trauma kicks in and I fill up with fear of the intimacy of our therapeutic relationship and I try to emotionally push him away), I can touch that stone and hold it and I know he is there with me for real.

For the first question, like I said, it is still building. It has been exactly two years now since I met the one human who knows me better than any other human will EVER EVER EVER know me. And with each session, each interaction, each hug, that bond of trust goes deeper into who I am.

I feel like I am (finally) securely attached to T, and it is such a good, safe feeling.

It honestly took me YEARS to really be able to hold onto the attachment...3 years, twice a week. There were definitely moments of secure attachment along the way, and those times got longer and longer, but it was so so so so so scary for me to trust it, that I would pull away and we'd have to find each other again.

T is so consistent and so patient. He's never ever made me feel like I'm too much trouble, or my needs are too big, or my story is too yucky. I really think that solid consistency is what finally allowed me to really feel attached.

When I took a break a couple of months ago and went back and found the same T, that probably solidified the attachment once and for all. I think even the most skeptical and scared and walled-off parts of me were finally convinced that T and his support and his love are real and are not going anywhere.

T and I have never talked about "insecure" or "secure" attachment. T has told me openly about his positive feelings for me, and I'm super open with him about how I feel about him.

I feel totally safe and loved. It's good. It's something I never ever ever had as a child, or even an adult, and it is the hugest gift.

Thanks for sharing your story, Sunny (and WePow and Rainbow). I'm looking forward to reading more

[sunrise]

Rainbow, I loved reading your long list. Your relationship with your T does sound so much more secure than the T before. Yay!

From your list, I think #1, 2, 3, and 6 were also helpful to me in developing a secure attachment. #8--that your T has been willing to touch you--has not been important in my attaching. My T and I frequently hug at the end of a session, but we did not begin this until further into our relationship, after I was already securely attached. Although I love our hugs--a physical manifestation of our closeness--I don't feel they are essential to our relationship. At some sessions we don't hug, and that feels perfectly fine.

About #6: can you say how being authentic and genuine are different?

Thanks for starting this sunrise. It's the question I've been bursting to ask PreacherHeckler on the other threads... "but HOW do you get there??!!". Great to read about what has helped others. Would also be so helpful to hear about the things which, in retrospect, were less helpful.

I'm not (yet?) securely attached to T. But I have one thought on something she's done that has definitely helped, and it's kind of the opposite to Rainbow's experience. T's decision from the start to never touch me has felt hard at times. But in the long run, it has meant that I feel fully and safely 'held' without her needing to touch me. And this way of being held is something that I can take away with me and keep, whereas if it was dependent on her touch I think I would need to keep coming back for more...

Why do we need to be securely attached?

[ladyjrnlist]

Try this one on for size. I securely attached just a few months ago to my T and then he recenty told me he wants to sleep with me. That was just last week. And then, he said of course that he won't because that would violate boundaries, blah, blah all of that crap.
So, why did he say it???
He was trying to make me feel good about my body image. That's how the conversation got started. But, excuse me? I think he went way to far there.
Now I don't trust the letch and I'm going to terminate ASAP.
Story of my life.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Why do we need to be securely attached?

That's a very philosophical question. Maybe indeed all of us don't need to be. I like it better though than those first months before I was secure. It was just too obsessive for me, and the focus was too much on the weirdness of it all, and what could I find out about T's favorite restaurant, and all of that. I think if people are content to not be securely attached, then great. Some people don't attach in therapy at all (insecure or secure). I was like that with my first T. We were not close at all. It was fine, but I needed something more for the deep work and am glad I found it (I thank my lucky stars!).

I guess I'm securely attached to my t. It really isn't something I think about, and we have never really talked about our "relationship". It just isn't an important part of my therapy. I don't have attachment issues since I was securely attached to my family as a child, so I guess that's why it just doesn't come up for me in therapy.

That said, we do have a very close working relationship. We are bonded (whatever that means). It was easy to do because he is honest. I trust him completely - always have. He cares about me and my whole family, which is really important. I'd say I have pretty much always felt this level of comfort and trust in him. We hit it off right away.

[sunrise]

WePow, thanks for sharing your story. I loved seeing how it had unfolded. It seems like trust runs throughout your story, and that it is an essential piece of secure attachment for you. (I think for me too.)

Originally Posted by WePow

But what he did at the end of the intake session was say "Same time next week?"

Ahhhhh. That would warm the most reluctant of hearts.

Originally Posted by WePow

I also remember walking out and turning around to watch him walk from his office into the kitchen area. His head was kinda down and he had this look to him, it was humility. I could tell he had seen his share of pain. And I could tell he fought very hard to be a servant to his Higher Power. I knew he wasn't in it for the money or even for selfish reasons. What I saw was something I wanted one day... and still do... the heart of service.

What a powerful image. And on your first day in therapy with him. I think these moments are key. I have an image of my therapist too from our very first session, and it is also very powerful.

[Perna]

My T had to "prove" herself. She did She showed up in my head, on the negative path down which I was travelling, blocking my way and saying "stop that". I literally had to figure out what she was talking about as I hadn't been paying a whole lot of attention to myself and what I was saying and trying to "do". I was in awe though when I realized how she had "seen through" me and from then on vowed to help her help me as much as I could.

At one point I made another vow to never resort to a "fetal" position, whether literally, emotionally, or intellectually, and made myself keep to it, no matter how much it hurt. I kept the "shipping lanes open" thinking of myself as either a mine sweeper or an ice breaker and made sure I got out of my head and that I let her in.