[Abby]

Please tell me how expressing emotions for the sake of expressing emotions is in any way productive. I am fed up of being told over and over that I'm allowed to express whatever I feel when my therapist doesn't understand the reason why I don't bother to express nor feel the majority of my emotions, is because I don't see the point in expressing something if nothing changes. I've never understood this! And then for it to be thrown in my face that I'm not controlling my emotions because I self harm is just too much! I self harm because my emotions are never heard and I don't know what else to do! Do you think if I could express my emotions and it helped that I would hurt myself further?! I'm not that much of an idiot.

I am truly baffled!

[nannypat]

Do you have the words to express your emotions? When I first started therapy I was also told to just say what I was feeling. I grew up in a home that we were not allowed to express emotions so I never learned how to. I could not match words to what was going on inside as silly as that sounds for an adult. It took a long time and a lot of work to even begin to talk about feelings for me. I only write this as a suggestion of what might be going on with you. I may be totally wrong and way off base.
What ever it is you are struggling with, I hope you get the support you need. Good luck.

[elliemay]

It's hard to say, but I suspect that you don't feel as though you are being heard when you express emotions.

It's possible that you know this on some level and are reacting to it. Perhaps you can ask your therapist if she is hearing you at all. Also ask yourself what it would require for you to feel heard.

I mean, imagine yourself truly being heard and understood and try to communicate this vision to your therapist.

Sometimes we have to help them to help us.

[learning1]

iF you express your emotions in therapy, it will make a difference to your therapist. If other people won't hear your emotions, maybe your t can help you find a way to deal with that. Anyway, what you wrote here seems like a good thing to give to or tell your therapist.

Originally Posted by Abby

Please tell me how expressing emotions for the sake of expressing emotions is in any way productive.

In terms of therapy, it's never simply about just expressing them for the sake of expressing them. It's about "processing them". Where they come from, what they mean, where you place them, how you respond or don't respond to them.

I am fed up of being told over and over that I'm allowed to express whatever I feel when my therapist doesn't understand the reason why I don't bother to express nor feel the majority of my emotions, is because I don't see the point in expressing something if nothing changes. I've never understood this!

I think that's an important point to discuss. Why bother expressing things if nothing changes? If that's where you are at, that is a wonderful place to start, and a question I am asked often. As well as a question I sometimes ask. There is power in learning, even though you are feeling an intense emotion, there IS a way to change things about your surrounding, thought process, etc if you allow them to help you do that.

And then for it to be thrown in my face that I'm not controlling my emotions because I self harm is just too much! I self harm because my emotions are never heard and I don't know what else to do! Do you think if I could express my emotions and it helped that I would hurt myself further?! I'm not that much of an idiot.

I'm a tad confused. You said your emotions are never heard. But above you said you don't bother to express your emotions. Are you expressing them in a way you feel others should understand? I.E. self injury. Or are you verbalizing your emotions and still feel misunderstood? Regardless, that would be a place to start as well. Talk about the issues surrounding the emotions. That if you feel it helped to express yourself you wouldn't hurt yourself. But by hurting yourself, you ARE expressing your thoughts and feelings.

I am truly baffled!

I do hope your T responds well. It sounds like you are feeling quite stuck and frustrated about the situation. I wish you well.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by nannypat

Do you have the words to express your emotions? I could not match words to what was going on inside as silly as that sounds for an adult.

I'm not sure if I have the words. I can say I am angry or I am sad but I find it hard to describe it further. Is saying these words the same as expressing emotions? I have always found it hard to outwardly show feelings, e.g I can tell someone I feel sad but I remember when I was younger standing in the shower trying to cry because I knew there was in me needing to get out but I never could. Sometimes I feel stuck because I don't feel it is worthwhile saying I'm sad over and over again, it just doesn't help....I want to feel sad. If that makes sense.

Originally Posted by elliemay

It's hard to say, but I suspect that you don't feel as though you are being heard when you express emotions.

I don't feel heard. It is that exactly. For such a long long long time I've tried to get people to notice me by saying all the 'right' words e.g. I feel sad, I feel grey, I feel trapped, I feel alone etc...but I never feel heard. My therapist always says she hears me and understands but it doesn't feel that way - e.g we discuss in depth a situation that makes me really anxious and stressed but despite her 'hearing' me, she still expects me to deal with it. This is the part I don't understand, what is the point in telling her anything if she turns (what feels to me) a blind eye to it and doesn't help change either the situation or how I deal with it? I just want support because I feel everyone tells me to cope and deal with it all constantly and I don't find it helpful to pick apart what I'm doing wrong without offering any other way of interacting....All I'm told is to be more real, stop feeling as though i have to be good etc but how can I do this? It isn't that easy, I don't like me, why can't she understand this?!

Originally Posted by learning1

what you wrote here seems like a good thing to give to or tell your therapist.

I am going to try. Pessimistically tonight I almost feel this is pointless though.

Originally Posted by stormyangels

In terms of therapy, it's never simply about just expressing them for the sake of expressing them. It's about "processing them".

There is power in learning, even though you are feeling an intense emotion, there IS a way to change things about your surrounding, thought process, etc if you allow them to help you do that

Or are you verbalizing your emotions and still feel misunderstood? Regardless, that would be a place to start as well. Talk about the issues surrounding the emotions. That if you feel it helped to express yourself you wouldn't hurt yourself. But by hurting yourself, you ARE expressing your thoughts and feelings.

I hate processing emotions because everything is always so 'complicated'. I get the point of doing it, although it does feel like an irritating circle most of the time. It is mostly my fault, I forget links often and get confused. I wish I could have a flow diagram to explain it all....apparently therapy isn't like that though!

I feel as though my therapist is just telling me the way to get things to change is to express emotions.....and i'm saying the opposite when I express emotions nothing changes so I give up and don't bother. But she keeps hammering on with the same idea over and over again. It's like we've reached a stale-mate. I feel when I do say things like 'I feel really lonely' all I get is a 'I know you do' and then I go away back into my life again still feeling exactly the same. Honestly I'm sick of bothering to tell her now.

I try to express my emotions. I absolutely do try but there comes a point where I'm just too too tired to try over and over and over again without any change. I self harm because I don't know what else to do, it is hard to feel so sad inside and not know how to move forward.

[learning1]

Sounds like you're pretty frustrated with your situation and with your therapist. I remember feeling like that with therapists I had sometimes. Well, at some point I gave up and just did exactly what the therapist suggested even though I didn't think it would work because there wasn't anything else to try. It was really hard to admit that some of what I was doing before might be wrong, especially since I already was misunderstood by a lot of people. But, sometimes it worked, and my therapist really was trying to help me, even when she had to suggest doing something different. It felt really good to get her support when I tried to cooperate with her.

I wonder if you could try whatever suggestions your t is making, even though it's frustrating, and even though it doesn't seem like it will work right away? For example, express the feelings that she wants you to express, such as that you're lonely. Then ask her how expressing it is supposed to help. And try to be open to whatever suggestions she gives you.

Or maybe you need a different therapeutic approach that is more introspective?

good luck with it!

[Perna]

Feeling and expressing one's emotions are two different things. Emotions are, primarily, for you; they let you know how you are responding to others or yourself, they help orient you so you can respond better. However, one has to be able to use words to understand what one is feeling so one can be as specific as possible ("I hurt" versus "I have a head ache near my forehead, around my left temple") when thinking about or discussing how one feels. Being "sad" or "grey" is not very specific; being "sad my best friend Susie is moving away" makes it possible for a parent, teacher, self to try and comfort one or to at least contain the sadness around Susie moving away instead of all over the place.

Expressing the emotion doesn't make it "better" in the sense that Susie will quit moving away, it just makes it possible to understand the emotion and make a "plan" like writing Susie or telling Susie how you feel (and perhaps comforting each other) or being told by an adult that she's just moving 10 minutes away and you all can still see one another. The more information we give out about ourselves, the better able others are to help us and, especially, the more we understand ourselves so we can figure out ways to help ourselves.

Now, adults in therapy, no, it doesn't make the Susie situation better other than through practice expressing how we felt back then when we were 9 (have to practice finding and using those words we didn't know/know how to use back then) and being able to use our adult intelligence to better understand the situation than we were able to when we were a child. Too, we can see how what was said and did back then may have influenced other relationship later. I had a literal Susie (only I am the one who moved away when we were 8-9) and I moved back to where she was when we were 15-16 and much was different but because I hadn't been able to handle the move well emotionally in the first place, the changes in the two of us were very confusing and even more upsetting when we met again later and I had even less help understanding those emotions.

[Sannah]

I improved in therapy with a much bigger plan then just expressing my emotions. Actually, that was a small part of the plan. I can't remember who talked about it here already, but someone mentioned that your emotions are messages to you that something isn't right. IMO you need action to get better. I don't think talking about the feeling is going to help much. Letting yourself feel the emotion is good but what needs to be discussed with your T is why you are feeling this way and what are you going to do about it. Making a plan of what you are going to do about it is helped by understanding everything that got you to this place. This was extremely helpful to me.

Maybe you should map out with paper in pencil in therapy so that you can gain some structure to what is going on with you. Structure has been really important in my healing.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by learning1

I wonder if you could try whatever suggestions your t is making, even though it's frustrating, and even though it doesn't seem like it will work right away?

I am so frustrated! I feel like I'm doing all the hard work. She has some random theory that I have to think that because for some reason I can't allow her to feel things because that means I can't 'control' her and/or I get scared and feel I have to be good for her. I forget really what she said tbh but something like that! I do try to cooperate with my therapist. Sometimes the fact I turn up seems like enough in itself! I wish I could express my emotions as she wants me to, I'd do anything to be able to do that. She says the pain of therapy is worth it all and i'm heavily trusting her on that. I think I will have to re-hash these feelings over and over again.

Originally Posted by Perna

Feeling and expressing one's emotions are two different things. Emotions are, primarily, for you; they let you know how you are responding to others or yourself, they help orient you so you can respond better. However, one has to be able to use words to understand what one is feeling so one can be as specific as possible ("I hurt" versus "I have a head ache near my forehead, around my left temple") when thinking about or discussing how one feels. Being "sad" or "grey" is not very specific;

Now, adults in therapy, no, it doesn't make the Susie situation better other than through practice expressing how we felt back then when we were 9 (have to practice finding and using those words we didn't know/know how to use back then) and being able to use our adult intelligence to better understand the situation than we were able to when we were a child. Too, we can see how what was said and did back then may have influenced other relationship later.

I find being specific very difficult. I find it hard to always know why I feel so sad or grey or irritated etc...sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm feeling! This makes me angry at myself a lot. I wish wish wish I could understand my emotions more...I get now that expressing an emotion allows my therapist and me to find a reason for why I feel how I do and think of a plan...problem is that reason isn't always easily identifiable and in the meantime I have to cope. That is what makes me so angry, I feel I'm compromising. I 'express' myself and am vulnerable and I get no returns on my investment. My therapist says I get angry when I don't get exactly what I want and that's normal, so why does it feel so bad? I want it to make things better and cannot stand that it doesn't. I feel like a child saying that But it's true.

Originally Posted by Sannah

I don't think talking about the feeling is going to help much.

Maybe you should map out with paper in pencil in therapy so that you can gain some structure to what is going on with you. Structure has been really important in my healing.

I absolutely agree, I want action! I hate talking things over and over, it's boring and aggravating! I'm not so interested in why I feel this way (besides I forget most of those conversations ironically enough) but I do want concrete plans about what I am going to do about my feelings. She says she doesn't do that kinda CBT therapy and know's I absolutely hate it when people offer solutions because if there was an easy solution I'd have thought of it already (which is true). But I think I need to keep emphasising the need for structure though....maybe if I get her to jot things down I'd be able to remember more. My mind seems to have a fantastic ability of shutting anything it doesn't want to think about out.

[lastyearisblank]

I find that my feelings are just bigger than the words used to describe them. My therapist expects to hear "oh I feel sad," "I feel ABANDONED" or all these words. Well that's not really how it is. Those feelings are bigger than a T's office. Let me just say from my own experience, I am sure that what I feel is too big to fit in a T situation. No touching moment in that office is going to heal it. Maybe it would help to have a T who is aware of this and able to work around it.