[SoupDragon]

My T asked me to focus on my body - I hate focusing on my body - T said to focus on a bit I liked, I said I didn't like any of it - T said just a really small bit - I started to feel anxious, pressured, I couldn't do it, so then T said to focus on someone elses body - couldn't do that either, I said it was really hard for me, but T wouldn't let it go - I felt really panicky, wnated to get up and leave and think in fact had T not dropped it, I would have left.

Today I feel awful, really struggling to keep myslef calm - of course I know with that sort of reaction, that there are things that need to be talked about - I am just too scared to do it and can't see that I will ever be ready to.

And I am angry that T has made me feel like this - again I know this is my stuff and I own my feelings - but doesn't stop me feeling p'd with T.

[Mediator]

I am sorry about your session. Awareness of body is something very healing. How about focus only on breath.
Sorry if you are looking for other response. Maybe your T was not with kind to you or he did not try slowly.

[Xeneon]

I'm sorry you T upset you, for pushing you to do this. Maybe next time, tell your T all the things your feeling, when you struggling to find something to focus on but I really like the idea of focusing on breath. Good idea Mediator!

Awwww...sending positive vibes to you SoupDragon.
Can you write your T a letter to get all of your feelings out? you don't even have to send it but maybe it will help you feel better to get all of it out of your system.

[SpiritRunner]

((((((soupdragon)))))) I am sorry it was so hard! But maybe that it made you mad is a sign of something actually working to reach into an area that needed to be reached into for healing?

[SoupDragon]

Oh dear - the unfortunate conclusion is that this is something I have to face in order to move on and really I guess I do know that deep down don't I? I wish I could whole heartedly commit to therapy without this constant ambivalence. And why is it do difficult to do it :-(

Mediator - yes that is a something that I can practise, breath is something that I could do.

Xeneon - I told T at the time that I was findigngit hard, but maybe I wasn't clear enough - maybe my T and I could develop a single / word which means something isn't just hard, but is too overwhelming - thank-you

Jadedmoonbeam - yes that is a good idea for me to do that. I have kept journals in the past, where I have written letters but not sent them, but haven't written for a while - I know it can help to get the things out of my head, so thank-you for this.

Poetgirl - yes it was so hard and yes I think you are right - I think T has stirred something that has impacted on me for most of my life and I guess that is not an easy thing for me, I have kept it so well hidden for so long.

OK calmer again now - thanks for your advice and support SD

[granite1]

sometimes getting mad can be helpfull in knowing what iy is you have to work on.can you write about it and maybe share it with your T.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by granite1

sometimes getting mad can be helpfull in knowing what iy is you have to work on.can you write about it and maybe share it with your T.

I'm just not very used to feeling angry - I think it is anger that I feel, sort of a power surge and lots of cross words in my head. And I'm not really sure who I am angry with, partly my T I think for being the one to dig around and trigger me to feel like this - yes maybe if I do go and spend some time being "interested" in how I feel (I know T would say that) - it might make things clearer for me - I am assuming the things that give the strongest emotional response are unfortunately the ones that need looking at the most - blast!

Thank-you