Bothered by something T said

I'm trying to work through something my T said to me in session yesterday. I need to journal about it and really figure out why it bothers me so much, but I thought maybe I could bounce it off of you all as well.

I was telling my T how frustrated I am that having a 3 week break due to our vacations made me pull away from her. I was telling her that it bothers me that before the break I actually felt comfortable talking to her, and that I really wasn't experiencing much anxiety before sessions. Now, I am struggling to talk to her, and the anxiety before sessions is super, super high.

I can't remember her exact wording, but she said something like she understood and that it showed that I had started to depend on our relationship.

I don't want to depend on a relationship with my T! I told her that. I told her I don't like depending on anyone but myself. She kinda smiled and asked me how that was working for me. I told her "hush, I know it's unrealistic, let me have my illusion for a minute, okay?" We joked about it, because I fully recognize that there are times I do have to depend on others for things. My problem isn't really with depending on others, it's depending on T. It makes me uncomfortable...it makes me feel "broken" to think that I do rely on this relationship to some extent and that it upsets me when the relationship is strained in some way.

I'm still trying to figure this out for myself. I kinda want to email T, but I think maybe I'll just wait and bring it up in session. She won't see an email now until Monday, since she doesn't check on weekends. It's not urgent and I'm not sure I can really articulate what I'm feeling in email anyway. Maybe I'll just send her a "head's up" email.

Am I making any sense here? Does anyone understand why this is such a big deal for me? I'm so used to being independant. I can ask people for help when I really need it, but something about relying on my relationship with T bothers me more than having to rely on other relationships.

greetings from The Needless Wonder (yes, complete with cape and everything)
Do I ever "get" what you are feeling, BR, I have been there, been there.

Please go gently and give yourself time. For myself, the "needless" bit is a facade, it's a suit of armor that I put around me to protect from OTHERS; it also hides from Others' eyes the big empty places where things I needed never got filled in. But I know they're there...

maybe, after a while, you will feel less alarmed at allowing yourself to be vulnerable - but you CANNOT rush it, it happens gradually and in its own way and time. Many hugs to you, this is hard stuff. But good news, yr T sounds like she is right on the ball and looking out for you.

Thank-you for this post - I have been wondering about the dependency bit - I fight it too, I can look after myself thank-you very much (not sure how that fits in with seeking out some therapy though?).

So should we feel dependent on our T? Shoudn't we? Is it OK to and it is part of the process and once we become stronger we will natutrally become more independent again, like a teenager feeling ready to leave home? Do we fight the dependency or accept it and embrace it?

This T thing is so confusing and mysterious sometimes. But I do get the independent bit.

This post made me tear up....someone else is experiencing the same thing as me...someone understands...

Therapy is getting really expensive and so I cut back to every other week. I thought no big deal...I can take care of myself...just like I always have...ughh....I miss T. Then i get frustrated with myself for allowing myself to "depend" on T. I don't like to depend on anyone for anything but I know it doesn't work for me but I wish I felt safe enough to depend on the relationships I do have like my H. and family...

It's so hard to depend on T. because they know so much about you and you are so vulnerable with them...(which I know I don't let myself be with others in my life)....

It is very hard...I don't understand how this whole therapy dependence process all works and since I like to "control" myself and what happens to me...I'm not likely to just go with it but fight it the whole way....

Its painful and frutrating...

I love that... The Needless Wonder...that describes me...my T. keeps telling me to listen to that Simon and Garfunkel song no man is an island...

Nothing to add other than DITTO. Totally get it. Am in the process of going through the same thing with my T right now. After a two week break, I had a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Had one really good, intense session where we talked about my resistance to allow myself to depend on my T, and then the following two sessions have been fluff sessions...

Hoping that stormy pipes in here with her "other side of the couch" perspective! I can't wait to get out of this funk with my T... I have too much else to discuss! (deliberately avoiding using "need" there...)

This is right where I'm at too. I didn't recognize how dependent I was becoming until I learned she was going on vacation. It's painful stuff wanting to be independent but feeling dependent. From what I can tell though, this is part of the process of attachment sometimes... which means that this is where my work really begins. So I'm trying to learn to accept the dependence, and hopefully when she gets back I'll be strong enough to be honest. I'm right in the thick of these feelings, though... so I don't have a lot of answers. I can just tell you that I feel those feelings too and that's why I'm here.

I fight the dependance also. I have learned that I can lean on my husband so maybe I can one day lean on my pdoc too. Right now, I haven't seen her for nearly a month due to holidays and I canceled last week because I felt shopping was better therapy that day and now the braindead receptionist has screwed up and canceled next weeks appointment also but I won't be ringing to correct her mistake because that would make me sound "needy" *sigh*

It is VERY natural to have the response you are having.

For many people in therapy, the act of opening up to another human is risky business. If you want that person to actually trust or rely on that other person, that can add a whole new level of complication.

Many people in therapy have had to fight their whole lives to stay safe. A large part of that is the struggle to be able to survive on your own. We HAD to not rely on those in authority. We had to do it ourselves. So asking us to trust someone else and rely on them goes against everything we learned the hard way.

I'm so glad others understand what I'm feeling! It's very validating to know I'm not just "being weird."

I hate feeling vulnerable, and I was just starting to be okay with that around T, when she had to bring up this whole dependence thing, and my instinctive reaction is "no! I can't be dependent on someone else!" I'm not used to relying on someone else for anything, but especially not for emotional support. I've never gotten that, I've learned to accept that and just not show that I'm vulnerable, and now my whole perception is having to shift, and it's hard, and scary. I've never had someone just accept what I share with them and not question everything I say. I've never had someone that was okay with me showing emotions and just letting me feel rather than trying to fix it or make fun of me or something.

I was just thinking on the drive home from session yesterday that I don't have anything to talk to T about next week. Looks like I have a ton to talk about!!!

Sorry for bumping this post, but I didn't see any sense in starting a new thread on the same subject. Just some random thoughts that I needed to get rid of...hope y'all don't mind.

I usually email my T a few hours after a session, or sometimes the next day, once I've had a chance to process things a bit. This week, I've thought about emailing her, but I really, really don't want to. I want to pull away, I don't want to let myself be vulnerable or rely on my T. I was comfortable emailing her, but now I can't even bring myself to type out a draft email.

I know my T will comment on the fact that I didn't email her. I don't know what to tell her. The truth, I guess, that I'm a little freaked out about the fact that I realized just how vulnerable I've made myself and that I'm really bothered by the fact that I do rely on this relationship. The worst part is, it's not something I can even be mad at my T for. She's been awesome, she has inspired my trust in her. She makes me feel that it's safe to be vulnerable around her. She's totally professional, completely understanding, and just all around a great T. Yet, I am angry about it. I'm not really angry at her, though...mostly I'm angry at myself. I'm angry that I let myself be vulnerable, and then I get upset with myself because I'm upset over this. I'm scared to put this much trust in someone. Part of me can't wait until my next session, so I can actually talk through this stuff with my T, and part of me wants to cancel my session and never go back!

Rhi, I definitely get the push-pull and the fighting of dependency. I have a session this morning and I'm trying to figure out a way to not look at her as the 'monster'. LIke your t, mine has been great and supportive, but it's still a struggle.

For me it's a subject we talk about a lot. Although that's easier said than done. It's a catch-22. I can only talk about not trusting her when I trust her!!

She tells me it's a basic human need to have close relationships, to depend on others. Unfortunately depending on others is something I've been fighting my whole life.

The funny thing is that being self-sufficient does have it's benefits, but I'm starting to see that I do have a need to feel safe and secure with others, and my t has been great with that.

Please talk more with your t, and please take care

oh boy does this hit a note with me. I am so very stubborn about relying on T. I take breaks when I feel too needy. Last week I went away for a few days and he emailed me "I would like to know what your safety plan is if you get triggered while away, ie call L or tell J what is going on and ask for help if you are overwhelmed and flooded with fear and anxiety."

He wanted a phone call the next day, and I didn't do it...just because I should handle it myself. Today I will see him and I am a little concerned about what he might say about me not calling and how I am going to explain it. Yikes. I don't want to depend on him, I don't want to depend on family. I don't want to depend on friends. I want to do it myself...lol.

About 3 months ago I kinda let loose in session about how upset I was with T that she let me get dependent on her. I pointed my finger at her and said, "It's your fault! You should have seen this coming. You let me trust you. You should have done something to stop this. How could you let this happen? You knew I was vulnerable. Why didn't you do something to help me avoid getting into this position? I have gutted myself in front of you. I have laid myself open to you and now the result is this dependency. I hate it! I feel totally stupid feeling this way. I've never ever in my life needed someone emotionally like I do with you now. How can I make this feeling go away?"

Let me tell you - after reading the book, "Attachment in Psychotherapy", I now understand that this dependency is necessary for progress. The author, David Wallin carefully lays out the necessity of this kind of relationship with our therapists. I highly recommend this book. It has really really helped me accept for now my dependency on T.

Another book that has really helped is "A General Theory of Love." It talks about the limbic system in our brains and that we must have limbic resonance with our T's in order for our T's to help alter our brains which is called limbic revision. And independence from T will be the final result.

I now accept and even sometimes embrace (although it still feels a bit uncomfortable) my dependence on T now that I understand its therapeutic value. I know it will not last forever and is no more than depending on the emergency room staff at the hospital when I need treatment. Why should we fight so much the dependence on our T's when they are there to help and treat our emotional wounds?

Ya know, I was okay with being vulnerable with my T, I realized last November that it had happened, and that I finally trusted her and felt safe being vulnerable. The difference now, is that my T pointed it out!!! How stupid is that? I mean, I'm sure she noticed it when I started opening up more, allowing myself to show more emotion, and it's been months since that happened, she just never said anything about it. It's her saying something about it now, confirming that I have made my self more vulnerable and dependant on her that's driving me to distraction. Like, as long as neither of us commented on the change, it wasn't real. But now that she's pointed it out and I've been made to acknowledge it, it's real and it's upsetting me.