So what does a healthy relationship with a T look like?

Hi,

I've been reading back on some of the old threads about dependence, transference etc. trying to work out my own feelings with T which are a mess. One thing I'm not sure of though is what is actually healthy or good?

What I know is,

There is a relationship between a client and their therapist
It's different to any other relationship we have
They aren't our friend, lover, relative and yet it's much more personal than the physicality of someone like a doctor or dentist and involves regular contact with extreme emotions coming into play
Any "good" T will care and provide a caring and safe environment for a client to share which often includes sharing their most vulnerable thoughts, feelings and experiences

So with all of those things going on; and with so much else that comes up as well - what would a "healthy" relationship look like?

Wouldn't there need to be some level of dependence or attachment to be able to open up, share and trust? or not

i don't know but I think that's a great question... i'm looking forward to reading people's answers

i am also looking foward to some insight into this great question

You have a lot of good points already. I'll add a couple, but I'm trying to process my 'feelings' the same way you are.

For therapy to be effective, it's important to like and respect your T.
- If you didn't like or respect T, you wouldn't listen to what s/he has to say, and you wouldn't go back to therapy.
Therapists are trained to connect with their patients, and this can be emotionally confusing.
- (match our speech patterns, listen attentively, be encouraging and positive, ask us questions about ourselves).

I also would like to know the answer. I have been talking to my new T a bit about my relationship with my old T. Several people made me fell ashamed over the r/s I had with old T. New T has not said once that it was a toxic r/s. I told her that when I am stressed I think of old T and not my mother. New T said thank god for that. I was feeling guilty for thinking of old T and not my mom. There is more to this transference and I would like to read about it. The post regression in psychotherapy by skysblue was good and I would like to see an article on the attachment thing. We become intimate with our T's. Some T's actually help people with bathing and stuff like that if a person is trying to wash their skin off their bones. That is very intimate and so is sharing bad memories. I think we have to develop a r/s with them that goes beyond definition to the general population. If you are ok and have no mental health issues then it is hard for a person to understand any r/s with a T. Coupled with the fact that I/we have never had anyone help us so intimately and safely we get confused by the r/s. Old T discouraged me from researching this stuff but the question of healthy r/s with my T has never gone away. It fascinates me. Cant wait to read other posts!!!!!!!!!!

I think there is more than one answer. There are different ways a healthy relationship could look.

I've had two therapists. With my first one, I had a "neutral" relationship. Not unhealthy, but not shiningly healthy either, just neutral. Kind of blah. No attachment or dependency there. No real connection.

With my current therapist, I think we have a healthy relationship. There are genuine moments of emotional intimacy between us, and neither of us is freaked out by it, neither of us retreats or pushes the other person away, and neither of us encroaches on the other's boundaries. We connect fairly easily at our sessions and both of us can be fairly direct in communication with the other. I'm secure in the relationship. I don't worry T is going to ditch me or that T hates me. I don't obsess about my T, but I care very deeply about him. I feel a lot of empathy towards him. When he sustained a dangerous injury to his face and told me the story of how it happened, I shook a bit and couldn't help crying. Some might think that is a tad too connected , but T thanked me very sincerely for my empathy. I don't get angsty when he is away on vacation or get angry at him for going away. I miss him when he is gone and am very happy to see him upon return. I don't call him or email him in between sessions or stew about whether I should or not. I don't resent his other clients and wish I were the only one. I don't get jealous of his wife or other family members and wish he would take me home. I feel strongly and securely attached to him. This does not make me feel dependent on him. I trust him to always have my best interests at heart. Our bond helps us do trauma work and go deep. We hug sometimes at the end of our sessions, but not all the time. It can be great when we hug, but it is fine if we don't--I don't feel like the world will end and I know it doesn't mean we are mad at each other or that there is something wrong in our relationship. There is a lot of give and take in our conversation--a lot of reciprocity. Also, T seems to "get" me and I think I "get" him too. It is wonderful to be understood at a deep level and have someone genuinely curious about one's life and solicitous about one's welfare. Once T and I were having an emotionally intimate conversation--back and forth, not just me telling him--and he paused a moment and then gestured at both of us and said, "this is Health." So I hold that in my mind when someone asks what a healthy relationship is. I hold that "Health" up as a model for how I want other relationships in my life to be.

It's not a perfect relationship, but I think it is a Healthy one. It didn't happen overnight, but has developed over time. (In our first months, the attachment was less secure.)

I think that in a healthy relationship, there is respect between both people . It goes both ways.
You treat each other as equals--one is not the "boss" or have all the power; its shared.
You care about each other, but don't obsess about each other.
You can take time away from each other (a weekend, a vacation, whatever) and realize that the person still exists, is still your friend/T/whatever, that they are not going to abandon you.
You can be honest with each other.
You don't expect the other person to be responsible for your happiness.
The other person can have their own moods and feelings, and it doesn't ruin your day or lead to your own self-doubt about your OWN feelings and moods.
You communicate well--no playing games, no emotional blackmail. Just honest, open communication (like saying, "I need this from you"-instead of expecting the other person to read your mind or pick up on your actions that you're hinting around at)
If the other person makes a mistake, you forgive them and move on-- you don't hold it over their head.
With friends, you support each other. Not so much in a T relationship, but one thing you could do to support your T is be understanding if she is sick and has to cancel a session, or by realizing that she HAS to go on vacation sometimes to revive her spirit and get some rest.

(Can you tell my husband is a T? We actually work on this kind of thing in our house.... sometimes annoying... )

wow, I just wanted to say that this is a great question.

I've been trying to figure out how to answer it, but it's complicated, and different for everyone. And I think, if all goes well, it changes. Your needs change, and hopefully, especially if you're working on attachment-stuff, your relationship changes.

Sorry I don't have an answer, but I also think what's 'healthy' for me is different for someone else.

wow, thanks so much for what is being shared ..... i think there are different answers as well from reading what has been said .... and also that there can be things in the relationship that are good and healthy; and things that need work on .... which is also ok since that's why we are in therapy - lots to think about thanks