[lacey12345]

i'm meeting with T in 2 hours.

the original plan was not to meet with him for a month or so, try to get some distance. part of it has to do with dependence, part of it has to do with some unresolved concerns i have about his colleague/best friend who works in the practice with him.

but... i am taking a major test that will determine my professional future on the 28th. and the year anniversary of my mom's death is on the 29th.

july's not the greatest month for me, it seems.

right now i'm kinda paralyzed... i can't seem to study for the test & keep finding ways to procrastinate. did the crossword puzzle, now spending a few hours on here... but i'm also trying not to think about my mom.

i had a lot of really eerie/sorrowful dreams last night. (and i don't really dream all that much, or at least.. i don't remember much of my dreams.) one long one had to do with my mom dying, although this time we knew it was coming (her actual death was unexpected and shocking). now i'm feeling .... i miss her. the dream upset me greatly. it was full of heartache, moaning, impending loss, prolonged suffering. when i do dream, i dream these heavy dreams. it makes me want to stay awake, sometimes.

but, back to seeing T in two hours. he called yesterday because he was confused--did i mean to cancel these next few appointments or were we still meeting? i played it off, like oh, um, yes, i can meet tomorrow and we can work out the other sessions later. so i chickened out.

but maybe it's not chickened out or giving in. maybe i should continue to see T as i navigate these next two weeks. even if i'm frustrated with him, it would be good to have consistency. even if i worry that i am dependent on this relationship or that i don't need to meet as much... maybe right now, it's okay.

anyone have any advice?

for test taking strategies? for dealing with scary dreams? for setting aside my loss/grief for a bit so i can focus on this test?

how do i get out of my own head for a few days, so i can study for this test? it's a rigorous, challenging, make-it-or-break-it, do-well-or-choose-another-career kinda test. but there is a small part of me that is excited to show what i know, to buckle down and just work. i love the material, i love the job it would lead to. but the large part of me is cowering in my bed, hugging my sweet doggy, missing my mom, and feeling like the world is too much today.

thanks, everyone, for listening. it means a lot that i can share these worries with you and know that i will receive positive, affirming, supportive feedback. i am grateful to be a part of the PC community. it's like a little umbrella on my rainy day

[lastyearisblank]

(((((Lacey))))) Just sending some hugs, I am doing test prep too and it's really stressful. I actually think you should let yourself be dependent if it's such a hard month. You know? Sometimes you can just conserve that last bit of energy to work. Anyhow, that's my opinion.

Sorry about the dreams as well. A bad dream can REALLY wreck my day.

Hope you feel better soon.

Lacey, i don't have alot to offer just wanted to let you know you are not alone... go to t. be dependent. it is okay to have someone in your corner. I think you will do great on your exam. you seems to know the material. And i am sorry about your mom. that must be extremely hard.

sending tons and tons of safe hugs

[rainbow8]

((((((Lacey))))))

You're probably at your appointment already. I wanted to read your other thread before I responded to this one. You sounded so down after you talked with your T about his colleague/friend. I felt really bad for you. I totally understand your reluctance to see your T if this situation bothers you. But, your T is your T, not his colleague. If he's a good T for you, then what his colleague did is irrelevant to you. Did he say anything more about that today, or is the subject closed?

I hope that he helped you with your current stress. I'm sorry about your Mom. An anniversary of a loved one's death is always hard. Maybe you can tell yourself that you're going to study for your test and afterwards, spend time grieving. Or, something my Ts did with me years after my Mom died because I didn't grieve at the time, was write my Mom a "letter." You're an eloquent writer so I bet you could get all of your feelings out in a "letter to your Mom." Then you can concentrate on your exam. Just suggestions. I don't know if they will work for you or not.

I'm sorry about the scary dreams. I hope your T can help with them too.
As far as dependence on your T, this is a time when you need extra support, and that's what Ts are for. Please post how your session went. I'm thinking of you.

[dismantle.repair]

Lacey, I was in your exact position a couple months ago...
The anniversary of one of my parent's death directly preceded two of my final exams.
I got so depressed, I skipped my classes and went home... And slept. ALOT.
I was incapable of functioning. It was a very big trigger for me.
One I didn't want to pull.
I barely got out of it. I struggled for a couple weeks... but I managed to pass ONE exam by the skin of my teeth... but I failed the other.
I actually started taking medication because of this

I hope you find your way around this.

[lacey12345]

stayed up late last night, then spent the day in bed watching friends episodes....

test prep ain't going so well.

[childofyen]

I often have trouble focusing on schoolwork. I've been practicing trusting my gut. I am learning to believe that I know my limits, that I will do the work that needs to be done... and I allow myself to have periods where I sit and relax... trusting that I will make the best decisions for myself. Having this trust empowers me to relax when I need to without stressing about whether or not I should be relaxing... and this makes my down time much less tense, which in turn means I don't need to have as much down time. I'm not sure if this all makes sense out loud, but it's been a process that I've been working on, and I have not let myself down yet. There have been close calls, deadlines and minor disappointments, but even the setbacks have been a fair trade for the increased quality of life I feel by learning to respect my own process. Trust and forgiveness.

[lacey12345]

Originally Posted by childofyen

I often have trouble focusing on schoolwork. I've been practicing trusting my gut. I am learning to believe that I know my limits, that I will do the work that needs to be done... and I allow myself to have periods where I sit and relax... trusting that I will make the best decisions for myself. Having this trust empowers me to relax when I need to without stressing about whether or not I should be relaxing... and this makes my down time much less tense, which in turn means I don't need to have as much down time. I'm not sure if this all makes sense out loud, but it's been a process that I've been working on, and I have not let myself down yet. There have been close calls, deadlines and minor disappointments, but even the setbacks have been a fair trade for the increased quality of life I feel by learning to respect my own process. Trust and forgiveness.

what wise, kind words. thanks CoY

[childofyen]