[skysblue]

"Six Degrees of Separation" - that's the proposal that we're only 6 steps away from anybody else on Earth. If you remember the movie by the same name, it explores that concept. Fascinating.

Well, what about our T's? Of course, we are not 6 steps away. We are right there in front of them and it's a one on one connection.

But, what if the connection is discovered to be more than the face to face? What if you discovered that you have multiple connections with T? So, instead of '6 Degrees of Separation', we could set forth the idea of '6 Degrees of Connectedness'.

A bit of the backstory: I started a thread a couple of weeks ago in which I shared the fact that my uncle was a pedophile. He molested his daughter and her friends. He was quite prolific and was also quite proud of how he achieved his terrible acts. My aunt divorced him as soon as she discovered it and he was never spoken about again.

I learned last week from my aunt that he had stayed with us when I was about 7 years old. My aunt always wondered if I could have been a victim of his too. I have no idea. I have no memory of such a thing. And I guess it isn't really relevant because it's long gone and passed.

But here is where the story gets really really interesting. My aunt a couple of days ago pointed out that (gasp), my T has the same last name as my pedophile uncle. And, (gasp), my uncle grew up in this community. And, (gasp), this community is not that large.

My uncle's father and grandfather were local business titans, my aunt explained, and were quite established in this local community.

Now, I have no idea if my T is a local girl or married a local guy. I don't even know if she's married. She is very private. But now, I'm curious. I want to do a web search on that family. I want to know if (for example) my T's 'husband's grandfather is the brother of my pedophile uncle.

The odds are long that she's connected in any way. This is probably just a weird 'quinky dink', but now that's it's in my head, I don't know what to do with it.

Do I tell her what I discovered? She will ask, why does it matter? I will say that it wouldn't change our relationship but it's an interesting thing to learn.

Would she have to terminate me if we discovered that there was this connection? For now, I won't bring anything up but it will take all of my willpower not to do some research.

I'd love to hear if anyone else has discovered an additional connection to their T.

[Wren_]

Beyond bizarre really fits ... I don't know, rationally I want to say something like to leave it alone and put it out of your mind; but could you do that? I'd probably end up wanting to know everything and not resting until I did. Really, what you've said is true that it doesn't matter as far as your T; it doesn't change who she is or anything about her skills in being able to help you ... it's more that it's really bizarre ... maybe better to talk about it now? so that it's out of the way and before you've done hours and hours of digging into the family tree?

[rainbow8]

Are you thinking about this NOW to avoid talking about what happened in therapy yesterday? Or, is this related because it could be another major rupture, or you're tying to find fault with your T?

As for looking things up, I'm guilty of doing that, and I probably would search for an answer. However, my Ts have told me it's better to ask them directly instead of doing my detective work. Not on anything like your experience, just wanting to find stuff out about them.

I wonder if, even though it's years ago, and maybe you won't find out if you were abused, it's somehow important, in light of that you don't remember your childhood! What happened when we were kids is NOT irrelevant; it's very relevant to the way we are now, no matter how old we are now. You know how old I am, and my T keeps saying the way my brother treated me when I was little is very important. I think the information about your uncle and you is MORE relevant than whether your T is part of that family or not!

Good luck with your session today.

[Hope-Full]

However, my Ts have told me it's better to ask them directly instead of doing my detective work. Not on anything like your experience, just wanting to find stuff out about them.

I can not imagine not wanting to research to find this out skyblue, but I have to agree with rainbow8 here... I got myself into trouble with the research part one time too many, and now, as painful as it is, and as frightening as it is, I ask instead.

Whatever you choose to do or not do, good luck!

[WePow]

If something is going to interfere with your healing, talk about it honestly with T.
Do whatever you NEED to do in order to heal.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I always think the direct, honest approach is best. I would ask your T and just say that you were curious about the last name.

[rainbow_rose]

I think asking her directly - I think it would save a lot of time and energy from doing all the research and instead, put that time and energy productively toward your sessions

[skysblue]

Yeah, I have already made the decision to tell her what I know. I will also say to her that I don't expect her to confirm or deny the connection and I will tell her that I will not research it. But I just want her to know that this has come across my radar.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Yeah, I have already made the decision to tell her what I know. I will also say to her that I don't expect her to confirm or deny the connection and I will tell her that I will not research it. But I just want her to know that this has come across my radar.

Do you have to tell her you won't research it? It's possible, though pretty unlikely, that you'd have a good reason to research it at some point.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by learning1

Do you have to tell her you won't research it? It's possible, though pretty unlikely, that you'd have a good reason to research it at some point.

Yeah, I know. But if I don't tell her that I will feel compelled to do the research and at this moment that would feel yucky to me and invasive to her privacy. Making a promise to her will help me going down that path. AND, if I don't tell her, she will assume that I will do research (because she knows how research oriented I am) and then I think that would introduce a bit of a wedge between us.

What I suspect will happen is that she will tell me that she's from another area and has no connection with my sicko uncle. And then we can move on.

just prepare yourself tho in case she answers opposite to what you expect...even pedophiles have family who turn out to be good decent people...your t might be one of them. what will you do then?

sorry i don't just want to throw this out there to be obnoxious but it might just happen..my cousin is a priest who is under inditement for sexual abuse in one diosece after already been charged & removed in another (& having been sent ot treatment & allegedly taking depo-provera)

so stranger things could happen...

stumpy..whose family could destroy any other family in "dysfunctional family feud"

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by stumpy

just prepare yourself tho in case she answers opposite to what you expect...even pedophiles have family who turn out to be good decent people...your t might be one of them. what will you do then?

sorry i don't just want to throw this out there to be obnoxious but it might just happen..my cousin is a priest who is under inditement for sexual abuse in one diosece after already been charged & removed in another (& having been sent ot treatment & allegedly taking depo-provera)

so stranger things could happen...

stumpy..whose family could destroy any other family in "dysfunctional family feud"

It wouldn't bother me in the least if there were a connection. Because, in reality, there would be no connection - at least not in a meaningful way. My uncle has passed away and I'm pretty sure he was estranged from that part of his family just as he was estranged from my aunt and cousins.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stumpy

stumpy..whose family could destroy any other family in "dysfunctional family feud"

Them's fightin' words, stumpy!