[childofyen]

My T is on vacation and I am without an appointment for three weeks. There seems to be a lot of this going around! I've been following the other posts about vacations but I thought I'd start my own thread as a place to vent and maybe let folks get to know me without hijacking someone else's thread.

This is the longest I've gone between sessions since I started seeing my T. I'm an alcoholic and had been drinking heavily for ten years prior to entering therapy. I've stayed sober since just after my first session but I'm having a lot of anxiety around her vacation because I worry that I can't stay sober without her.... which makes me feel dependent on her... which causes more anxiety because I am generally fiercely independent and avoid intimacy. When I went in to my last session before her vaca I had a little... I don't know how to put it... behavioral melt down, I suppose. I was so conflicted about whether or not to admit that I was having these anxiety issues that I couldn't talk or think straight and ended up acting completely out of character. I have a feeling that she was aware of what I was going through without me admitting it... which leaves me feeling transparent, exposed and even more vulnerable! I feel like I'm trying to control how I present myself to T as a way to control my emotions and appear sane.... but my control is breaking down and I wonder if I'm sane at all.

My last session was Fri and I have stayed sober since. I'll celebrate six months while she is gone, god willing. I want to stay sane and sober until she gets back but I don't know if I can.

Thanks for letting me get that all out. Any feedback is welcome.

-CoY

[lastyearisblank]

I hope you do ok!!!!!!!! Unstructured time is the worst. Get a project, treat yourself, and try to have a fun time. Remember you are still cared for. It can be weirdly lonely during breaks. Sending you hugs!

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I hope you do ok!!!!!!!! Unstructured time is the worst. Get a project, treat yourself, and try to have a fun time. Remember you are still cared for. It can be weirdly lonely during breaks. Sending you hugs!

Thank you! I am working on a project actually. Tonight I'm going to try to make paper for the first time... and the goal is to create something representative of my process. I'm trying to find inspiration and creativity because I'm a very structured and organized thinker (so I've been told). My T has suggested learning to live in my right brain as well, but it's not natural to me. So.... papermaking. Wish me luck And thanks again for the support. -CoY

[lastyearisblank]

That's really cool, do you have a piece of mesh to drain the water? Making paper is awesome. And good luck.

[protector1973]

schedule in some time for a new activity at exactly same time of your usual appointment, maybe daring try something you always wanted to do , or just go shopping or watch a movie in cinema. goodluck , my threapist didnt turn up sometimes with no excuse.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

That's really cool, do you have a piece of mesh to drain the water? Making paper is awesome. And good luck.

Thanks! I bought window screen in a big roll so I can make different sized and shaped paper with my homemade frames... if that makes any sense. This is my first time, so I have no idea what I'm talking about

[lastyearisblank]

Aww what an awesome idea!!!! I used old picture frames the first time around. I do not mix well with tools.

Sry will stop derailing the thread now.

[WePow]

CoY, congrats on your sobriety! I am also a recovering addict, alchohol and sx. And I do understand how hard it is to stay sober when the T is away. But the truth is you can do it. Keep posting your thoughts one day at a time. Use all the supports that you have in place. Remember that sobriety is a gift you first give yourself. But your T will be very proud of you when you show you are still sober :-)

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by WePow

CoY, congrats on your sobriety! I am also a recovering addict, alchohol and sx. And I do understand how hard it is to stay sober when the T is away. But the truth is you can do it. Keep posting your thoughts one day at a time. Use all the supports that you have in place. Remember that sobriety is a gift you first give yourself. But your T will be very proud of you when you show you are still sober :-)

I liked reading your post, WePow. I got happy at the thought of T being proud of me (I'll be pretty proud of myself, in fact) but then I began to feel ashamed that I wanted her to be proud... does that make sense? Like I don't deserve her being proud, or I shouldn't want it, or something. All these things I just don't know. I guess I'm scared to want her to be proud because one day the relationship will end... I don't know. If you folks understand me, please let me know. =) And thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in my addiction issues.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Congrats on your sobriety - I stopped drinking last March because of certain meds I was taking, but it was really hard and I still crave it every now and then. I am really proud of you! My T. is away, too and I had an OBGYN appointment today - it ended up triggering me so I decided to call a local hotline for support. Do you a something like that you can use if you feel you need to? It is okay to be vulnerable with your therapist. Actually, it helps to deepen the theraputic relationship and gives you more freedom to be yourself. Keep coming back to this forum and posting - let us know how you are doing each day. I will be thinking about you!

[WePow]

CoY, it is OK to feel both of those things at once. I feel the same way - kind of sad that I know a part of me NEEDS my T to be proud of me even though I am an adult. But the other part of me knows that it is OK for me to have that need. My T knows that I am an adult. But T also knows I am in recovery from my life! Your T knows those things about you too.

Allow yourself to need your T to be proud of you at this time. In 12 steps, you get to have a sponser. Our T can be like a sponser in many ways. One of those ways is to allow ourselves to have an outside person we respect enough to allow ourselves to care what they think. For any addict, that is a VITAL part of healing. Addictions are so personalized and keep us isolated from others. It is a part of how that works.

Healing involves others helping us out. And when our journey brings us to sobriety, the 12th step is that we help others. It is that simple. Hope this helps!

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by WePow

CoY, it is OK to feel both of those things at once. I feel the same way - kind of sad that I know a part of me NEEDS my T to be proud of me even though I am an adult. But the other part of me knows that it is OK for me to have that need. My T knows that I am an adult. But T also knows I am in recovery from my life! Your T knows those things about you too.

Allow yourself to need your T to be proud of you at this time. In 12 steps, you get to have a sponser. Our T can be like a sponser in many ways. One of those ways is to allow ourselves to have an outside person we respect enough to allow ourselves to care what they think. For any addict, that is a VITAL part of healing. Addictions are so personalized and keep us isolated from others. It is a part of how that works.

Healing involves others helping us out. And when our journey brings us to sobriety, the 12th step is that we help others. It is that simple. Hope this helps!

Thank you, I need to hear that.

[childofyen]

Normally I have a session with T every Fri morning. Wednesdays are typically the days I really begin obsessing about what will happen in session. Not today though. My next session isn't until the 29th so I'm trying not to obsess today. I've been making notes on note cards about topics as they come up. What anxiety means to me. How my life has improved since the decision to enter therapy. What I would still like to change. And thoughts on honesty. I'm trying to stay relaxed and see this time without T as my own vacation. (I was laid off last year so acting as though I'm on vacation is not hard.) I wanted to make paper last night but I didn't. I did make myself dinner, though, which is progress since the last couple of weeks I've been too depressed to take care of myself. I left the house to walk by the river, which is where I go to get in touch with my spiritual side. But other than that I haven't really been interacting with people in the real world. Which is pleasant because my anxiety level has been low, but I don't know how healthy it is. I have managed to get my sleep schedule under control so I'm no longer staying up until 4am or sleeping til 1pm. I need to find a job but I'm afraid to do anything that will trigger me while T is gone. 3 weeks is a long time. I really want to be sane and sober when she gets back. And I want to be able to admit that I was afraid of her leaving, and ashamed of being afraid.

Blah, blah, blah... that's my rant for now. Very grateful I have a place to process this. I haven't been able to write about what I'm going through until now. This is good.

[childofyen]

Dear T,

Today I can be grateful for the work I'm doing while you're on vacation. Getting my sleep schedule under control has done wonders for my mental health and I'm no longer feeling paranoid (much). I keep imagining what it will be like to see you again in two weeks. Picturing myself smiling, so happy to see you, and being honest enough to tell you so. Honesty is what I'm working towards while you are gone, and writing is helping me get in touch with myself again. I don't know what the next two weeks will be like, but I do know that I made it through this first week. I know that I am sober and sane (provided 'sanity' is a relative term) right now. I feel peace for the moment. I'm sending it your way through the collective unconscious. May the universe bring you flowers. Much love, CoY

[childofyen]

Bon dia T,

I'm making progress while you're gone. I'm practicing acceptance. I'm trying to find my emotions, I guess. I made a list of things I've accomplished in therapy, which I'm impressed by and grateful for, but when others shared their lists... I realized that mine consisted entirely of behavioral changes and there weren't really any changes I noted in my thoughts or emotions. Can I be depressed without feeling sad? I seem behaviorally depressed... things don't make me happy like they used to. Not even grocery shopping, which is my favorite hobby. But I don't have emotions of sadness. I don't know what that means. I'm experiencing some strange sensations. I guess they're like flashbacks. Glimpses of memories of adults laughing at me. I'm having nightmares every night which I don't remember when I wake but I know I was scared and I don't know why and I feel detached. I want to make myself strong enough to share this all with you. I want to find my emotions and soothe them so the dreams and memories stop. So that I can free myself to be myself and be happy and whole and helpful and alive. We've had nice weather for your vacation. You're welcome I did that for you. In 42 minutes I would normally be walking to your office. But not today. I have so much more to say but I don't have the energy. So. Enjoy the light breeze and I'll see you in two weeks. All my love -CoY

[skysblue]

T knows very well how anxious I get when she is gone. I was surprised at my own reaction and I was able to talk to her a lot about it before she left. Then I was surprised how I panicked when it was ME who left on vacation. She asked me before I left if I was o.k. with it and I said, "yeah,sure, I haven't thought about it much". She said that sounded like my m.o. - not thinking about it.

Well, as I get in my car to leave on vacation, I did panic. Why???? I have no idea. I don't struggle with addictions or anything serious like that. So, I called her and asked if we could have kinda like a 2 week traveling 'session'. That I could call her as often as I liked and I would pay her when I returned. She said fine.

But, then, I felt too needy and called 'only' about 6 times in 3 weeks. BUT, I wrote by hand long long letters and mailed them to her. Boy, do I feel idiotic now.

But, anyways, maybe you could write letters to her each day. No point in mailing them if she's on vacation but I found it was a great way to be 'in touch' while I wasn't having sessions. Just an idea.

[seventyeight]

coy, it sounds like you're handing this all very well. my therapist is on vacation now too, and i know how hard it can be. i think the letter writing (on here) is a great way to deal with it. do you know where your therapist is on vacation? mine told me, and i find that it helps to have a "visual" if i really feel disconnected. hang in there, she'll be back before you know it!

[childofyen]

T,

I don't want to do anything. I'm tired. I can't even focus on reading or puzzles today. Maybe I just got too much sun, or maybe depression is finally getting the best of me. I feel so confused about what's real. I think I lost myself somewhere today. Right now I can't even remember whether or not I like you. I hope this is just a phase. I want to drink. But I need to stay sober so I can figure out whether you can help me. I don't know how to help myself today. Blehhh.........

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

T,

I don't want to do anything. I'm tired. I can't even focus on reading or puzzles today. Maybe I just got too much sun, or maybe depression is finally getting the best of me. I feel so confused about what's real. I think I lost myself somewhere today. Right now I can't even remember whether or not I like you. I hope this is just a phase. I want to drink. But I need to stay sober so I can figure out whether you can help me. I don't know how to help myself today. Blehhh.........

Maybe it's a good time to go to bed and get some sleep. That's what I do when depression hits me.

[childofyen]

That's good advice. I think you're right.

[childofyen]

T,

I think my body is on strike. I've been trying to sleep well and make sure I'm fed... I even set my alarm in the AM even though I have nothing to get up for. And now I can't sleep. Insomnia? Depression sucks. I'm too tired to do anything and I can't sleep. ****. The good news is that I don't mind your vacation much anymore since there's nothing we could do in our sessions to fix this.

-CoY

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( CoY ))))

I am right where you are, and it DOES suck. Here's hoping that this passes quickly for both of us....

[childofyen]

T, Today I am practicing acceptance... of my depression, of my anxiety, of my thoughts, of myself. It's difficult. I want to fix things. I want to function better. I want to feel weightless and present. But the truth is that I don't. And I can't fix that today. So today I will practice accepting it rather than fighting it. My mind is not back to where I want it to be... but today I won't be a victim of my disordered thinking. Today I will learn to sit and enjoy my company for what it is... today I'll meet me where I'm at. Please come back to work. -CoY

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

T, Today I am practicing acceptance... of my depression, of my anxiety, of my thoughts, of myself. It's difficult. I want to fix things. I want to function better. I want to feel weightless and present. But the truth is that I don't. And I can't fix that today. So today I will practice accepting it rather than fighting it. My mind is not back to where I want it to be... but today I won't be a victim of my disordered thinking. Today I will learn to sit and enjoy my company for what it is... today I'll meet me where I'm at. Please come back to work. -CoY

One of the things my T tells me often is that it's ok to not feel good. She points out that our culture seems to encourage the idea that we should always be up and happy and go go go all the time. Companies market 'happiness'. You will be happy if you have this car or eat this meal or buy those clothes. Everyone in the commercials look like what we want to feel. And then we feel abnormal because we don't have that happy happy happy outlook always.

My T tries to teach me that I can tolerate uncomfortable feelings. That I don't always have to make them go away. That I can sit quietly and notice them and feel them and inquire about them. It is a mindful way of living.

[childofyen]

T,

After a couple of really numb days my feelings seem to be returning. I'm anxious again, and feeling the beginnings of anger... but I don't know what I'm angry about. I feel a little sad from time to time but it never lasts long. I'm still having trouble going outside and I worry that I won't be able to make it out of the house for our session next week. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm very confused. But I think this answers that question you seem to be asking... why do I drink. To not feel like this. I had emotions when I drank! They were strong and they were real and I reacted horribly to them and did stupid, impulsive things.. but they were there!! And now. Now I'm sober and numb and dull and wrought with anxiety. It seems that I was more capable of living in the world when there was a drink in my hand. But you tell me that's not true. So I hang on. And I don't drink. And I don't hurt myself. And I don't give up the hope... not completely anyway... even though sometimes I forget what I'm even hoping for. I wish I could go grocery shopping. I wish I could clean my apartment. I wish I could go to a meeting and laugh with friends. I wish I could get a job. I wish I would stop thinking awful thoughts about drinking and death. I wish I was over my ex... the one who never loved me. I wish she loved me. I wish I could tell you all of this or any of it at all. I wish I could see the truth and describe it to you, make you see it to so you could help me fix it. I wish I could let someone help me. I have imprisoned myself with my own fear. Oh God... what have I become...