Just want to mull over the therapeutic relationship.

This weekend, I was thinking about T and it struck me (for the 548572405th time) that someday therapy. will. be. over.

I actually thought about this when my cat died this week...that I wouldn't trade the 18 years I had with him for anything, even though it hurt so much when I had to have him put to sleep. My H never attached to the cat, because he said pets always die. And they do, but so does EVERYONE, so are we supposed to go through life never attaching to people? I actually talked about it with my kids...that I wouldn't give up all of the happy cat time we had just because of the sadness....that the 18 years of happy cat time were totally worth it. And they were.

That made me think about T. I really REALLY love him. I know he loves me. I love our relationship...it is so genuine and intimate and safe. I love the things I've learned in therapy about trusting and connecting with others and allowing people to help me and about having feelings and being IN my life. I kind of believe in some cosmic way that T was MEANT to be my T...if I had met him out in the world as my friend, who would be my T? And would I have healed in the same way? I really do believe that having T as my T is a total, total gift.

AND my heart aches sometimes when I think of our therapeutic relationship ending someday. I know from the little break I took that it will be okay, because I got to experience life on my own, and got to experience how much of T is inside of me that I will probably carry with me forever.

But wow, I will so miss little things about him...like our shared sense of humor, or just knowing little things that are going on in his life. I guess I feel like I will carry the "T" part of him with me, but I will so so so so miss the "person" part of him.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this today. I love how far I've come in therapy. I love feeling lighter and more connected into my Self and my life. I love the fact that I can see that I've grown and changed. And I know I still have more work to do....

I remember a while back I was obsessing about the therapy relationship ending, kind of right in the middle of therapy, and T asked "why is this coming up for you so much right now?". And here I am again.... ??

Huh. When I took my break, I felt really DRIVEN to do it, and pretty much right when I came back, we got into the topic that is probably the hardest I will ever have to deal with...we'd never talked about it before, and I've wondered in retrospect if the break was a way to avoid it. Now here we are, "in it" again, and I'm pondering what it will be like when therapy ends. I wonder if on some level, I'm wanting to run away (again?) from this topic.

It's just. so. painful. I don't know what would be worse...the pain of leaving T, or the pain of dealing with this. Or the pain of leaving T and never dealing with this, ever.

Ha! This post started out as musings about what it will feel like to leave T someday and ended up as "I think I want to avoid this scary yucky topic". PC is good therapy.

But still....

AND I just remembered T will be on vacation next week. Such the perfect time to get into "hey! maybe I don't even NEED therapy!" mode. Could I be more stereotypical?!?! lol

[seventyeight]

i think about this A LOT. the only (and i mean: only) things that help me deal with it are:

a) saying goodbye and actually hearing what it's been like for my therapist to work with me all this time, sort of like getting her "real" thoughts/feelings on the experience. along with that, i'm considering asking her for some sort of letter or something to take with me after we say goodbye. (OMG i can't believe i just said "after we say goodbye" ) also, i'm confident that the actual act of saying goodbye will be a good one (i'm not sure why i believe this though) despite it being completely and utterly painful.

b) the idea of getting another therapist. i love my therapist just as much as anyone, but there is something about finding yet another person to connect with on this level that keeps me curious. perhaps my situation is a bit different in that i've always feared my therapist's retirement (as in: therapy might not necessarily "end" for me just because she is retiring), so i've kind of always thought i'd have to continue with someone else. (or at least that i'd need therapy to help me deal with my therapist retiring! )

[rainbow8]

I put the trigger on my response for talking about death.


tree, I think about it too, but on a more depressing level. Your cat died. You said everyone dies. True, but most people don't think about death very much unless someone close to them dies. I think that leaving a T is in a way like death. It can seem final. Often it IS final, though most Ts will allow contact, at least occasionally, after termination of therapy.

But I think about my Ts death more than quitting therapy. It's so painful to think about anyone close to me dying so I think more about how devastated I'd be if my T died before I do. No one lives forever but people avoid the subject. Termination is an awful word, like death. I don't know why they use it in therapy.

On the brighter side, I agree that it's better to have close relationships like you have with your T than not having them at all. What would life be without closeness? Isn't there a famous quote about better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all? I've never allowed myself to feel as close to anyone as I have with my T. Like you, I've internalized a lot of her caring inside of me. When my T isn't around, I will still have that inside of me. My Mom died over 25 years ago; I'm trying to realize I still have her love inside of me too. Hopefully, the love we give our children will be inside of them too.

I'm sorry I'm writing this sad stuff in your thread. It's my general mood lately. I can delete it if you want.

[Indie'sOK]

(((((((Tree))))))) I agree with Seventy - those are two great ways to help deal with this. You probably know that this topic is a big trigger in therapy for me, and one of the things that helps me really is my interest in psychology. Many people that study this field do so because it reaches them personally. I tend to over-analyze myself, but I think this only adds to my passion for the subject because it teaches me to better analyze others. Having this vice really helps when I'm worrying about leaving T.

T does know what to do to make it work out, though. He knows how to navigate through the yuck and help you come out on the other side, stronger and lighter. And ending is a joint decision between the two of you.

Hope this helps a little

Tree you always make me think> I took a little break to talk about leaving therapy....and now that I've decided to stay and continue I'm facing all of these issues. Its like I was using leaving as a way of avoiding stuff. Now that I'm dealing with getting back into the heavy stuff....I'm facing all those fears of it ending...fear of abandonment, etc...its like I teeter between two extremes...ready to stop therapy and worrying that it might end...

[skeksi]

Because of our vacations, I have had several weeks without T throughout this summer. And it made me think about when T ends, too.

It used to be that I figured T would at some point get sick of me and kick me out and I'd be alone, just as messed up and hurting as I'd always been.

This summer, I've been imagining that someday I will be okay enough to not need T, that I will be okay all by myself because I understand why I hurt and I can take care of that hurt.

I don't want to end T anytime soon, but being able to consider a different future for myself post-T, well, that shows how much work he and I have done together.

[crazycanbegood]

I know how you feel Tree. I've told my T that she's struck with me forever, and she said that's okay because I'm stuck with her. I've already called dibs on throwing her retirement party 20 years from now.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

.. I've told my T that she's struck with me forever, and she said that's okay because I'm stuck with her..

Awe *jealous!*