this morning was crazy crazy...took son to hs to pick up schedule and ran around the school until my appt time looking for his classes, looking for the baseball coach, etc. so i really didn't have ANY time to think about session until i was driving there.

at the beginning t talked but i don't know what he said. i think he talked about my feelings and said whatever i felt was okay. i think he talked about how we would breathe and try to stay grounded and not get lost. he talked about how it was when he said his scariest thing.

he pulled his chair right up to the couch so we could be close enough to touch fingers. i needed him to be closer anyway because i couldn't make the words go all the way across the room. no way.

and i said i didn't know how to start. i said that it's all just these little snippets. just a flash of this and a flash of that and a memory and a feeling. not all connected, at all. and he asked what was the easiest snippet. and i guess that was when i started telling him

now i remember the SESSION in little snippets. i remember a couple of times he would say "now you've told me FOUR snippets" and "now you've told me TWELVE snippets". i remember him wanting me to touch his finger and try to feel the pressure, but i couldn't, but i could see our fingers.

sometimes i would completely zone back in for a minute and be IN THE ROOM and it would feel so weird. and then it would drift away again.

i think i told him the hardest, most confusing part. or, even, i *realized* what was the hardest most confusing part, and then told him.

i know at one point i was REALLY done and said i wanted to be done and he wanted me to put my feet on the floor (i had been curled up on the couch) and i freaked out, completely. it was like the worst moment in the session, by far. because i knew when i put my feet on the floor, it would all be real, and i would feel my body, and my feelings would be there, and it would be too too too big.

so instead, he sat next to me, and we drew. we wrote words that i wanted to put in a box. i drew a big box around the yucky words and drew a little door. he had me write "tree is in charge of this door" and i can take the things out to work on them when i need to, and i can do it one at a time.

and i wanted to draw a cloud at the bottom, a cloud of 'ok'. and i wrote "i didn't know" and t talked to me some and we ended up writing "i didn't know that i didn't have to".

t told me about this weekend - that i can leave messages and e-mail as much as i need to and he will respond. and we are going to talk on the phone one time, and see each other on monday. he said it's not too much. and we did the receipt/check thing.

and then i really, actually had to put my feet on the floor. t said "whatever you feel when you put your feet on the floor is not who you are". he said it a bunch. i finally just did it, and stood up and was like CRUSHED by the weight of the feelings, i turned around and covered my face and felt dizzy. t wanted me to look at him before we hugged, so i turned around and tried to uncover my eyes and he bent his knees so his eyes would be as low as mine and i peeked. and then we hugged and he patted me on the back and wrapped me all up.

so that was a couple of hours ago and i am SO not in my body. i had to go to costco and i know i did that and i ran into someone i knew who talked and talked and talked (which helped) and now i'm home.

i think i feel numb and tired and gross and scared and yucky. i know t said that he loves me and that he's proud of me. it's hard to put it all together in my head.

[sunrise]

(((((((treehouse))))))) I am glad you were able to get all of that out in your session. I am glad you made it home safely.

Very good, Tree! Think of it. It will never be that frightening to talk about it again. By talking about it, you've taken the power of it as a secret away. Try to get out of the house so you don't spend your time in your head. Go see a movie. Go browse the bookstore. Go for a walk. Find people to interact with, (like you did in Costco). You thought you couldn't survive this, but you did ! Good for you!

[Sannah]

Good work Tree..........

That's so amazing , you were so brave!!! It sounds like your T is really supportive--that's wonderful. Be sure to take care of yourself especially well right now okay?

Glad you survived.

[Xeneon]

I was thinking about how you where doing. It sounds like you have awsome T. I'm glade you where able to tell your T all those things.

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you so much for sharing this and for the detail of what you could remember - Wow I think you are so brave and your T sounds fab - well done you - take care over the weekend

[FourRedheads]

You are so brave! Take good care of yourself this weekend. Sounds like you have a good plan in place.

i feel horrible. dead and hopeless and not real.

i thought i would feel spiraly about what t thinks of me now, but i don't. i didn't know it would feel like this. i wish i felt spiraly about t because i could call him and he could fix it.

he can't fix this.

i. am. so. tired.

[skeksi]

This is the fallout, and you knew it would come. And it will pass, too. Be patient with it and with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat one of your kids after he had a bad, scary fall. Call T if you need to.

It will hurt less in time.

[WePow]

((((((Tree)))) You did AWESOME work today!
Perhaps part of the emotion you feel is the same disorientation a person would feel when they get a cast removed from their arm. When you have carried a burden with you for so long, and suddenly that burden is cut in half, it is going to feel very strange at first!

[googley]

(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))

It will be okay. While it is different than you expected, you still have the skills to deal with it. Can you go to a meeting or meet up with friends? You will be okay. We are here to support you. You can do this. Remember to breathe.

[granite1]

tree what you did was such an inspiration to meyou truely are.i hope you are taking care of yourself and thank you so much for sharing this with us

I'm watching baseball with my son. I e-mailed T. I really hope he checks his e-mail tonight and writes back.

I am trying REALLY hard. The big feelings come in waves. It's like, I'm okay, watching baseball, and then...whoosh, it just comes over me and I have to get through it again.

Thank you guys for being here.

[rainbow_rose]

you are so brave, treehouse. a very powerful session. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this muck.

[learning1]

Congratulations Tree! I'm glad you're trying to stay present

[childofyen]

(((((Tree))))) Thinking of you.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am trying REALLY hard. The big feelings come in waves. It's like, I'm okay, watching baseball, and then...whoosh, it just comes over me and I have to get through it again.

Thank you guys for being here.

For some reason when I read this I thought about being in labor. I guess it was your waves reference. Remember that? Every few minutes you are in horrible pain that you have to work through, but you always know that the pain is temporary. You always come out on the other side of the pain.

You are doing a great job working through those waves. Keep remembering that they too are only temporary and you will come out on the other side.

(And no one stays pregnant forever).

[SoupDragon]

Just checking in - hope you are doing OK

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Just checking in - hope you are doing OK

I'm surprisingly okay today.

I have these waves of fear that something bad is going to happen to me or my family, but other than that, it's almost a normal day.

I honestly can't remember much of session yesterday at all, and I'm not even going to go and read my original post. I figure my brain is taking care of me.

The only thing I remember CLEARLY is my young self telling T over and over again "It's my JOB". It was the first time I was able to put words around that feeling, and it really stuck with me.

T and I e-mailed a couple of times yesterday and he left me a voice mail today in reply to some voice mails I left for him. I think knowing that I'm not alone and he is holding this for me is helping a lot. Being busy is helping.

I do get waves of this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach (just had one), but they pass too.

I think I'm basically okay. I think I'm glad to not be alone with it anymore. T can HAVE it.

[WePow]

GREAT JOB !!!!!!! you did such wonderful work with all this!!! Way to go!

[googley]

(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))

Today's been a pretty normal day, again.

I didn't sleep well at all last night...couldn't get to sleep, had exhausting nightmares, was up for the day at 5:15am...so I'm super tired while I'm super busy. But, the busyness is keeping the hard feelings at bay. Of course, if they're just lurking there waiting to keep me up at night, I wonder if that's even helpful..but I think it is, because I can be "here" for my boys this way.

I e-mailed T and told him how much his support is helping this weekend. Not being alone is huge, huge, huge. He e-mailed back and in his e-mail he said "You're worth it"

I"ll probably touch base with T one more time today, and then I'll see him tomorrow evening.

When I imagine this weekend WITHOUT T being there, I can so easily see myself spiraling out, getting lost in the feelings, etc. He makes me feel so grounded and safe. And it took so long to get to this point. If someone had told me 4 years ago that I'd be able to talk about this, and that T would make me feel so safe that I would be okay, I never ever ever would have believed them. Ever.

[SoupDragon]

Sounds like you have worked so hard over the last 4 years to get to this point - hope you sleep better tonight and that you have a good session with T tomorrow. I think you've been so incredibly brave -