[childofyen]

I've been trying to shake this gross feeling all day.

My T is convinced that my depression is chemical, and that meds will help me begin to function again.. so reluctantly I've been looking for a pdoc. I found one place that said they offer a sliding scale to some patients, but they would need to take my info for the dr to review. They asked me about my med history, hospitalizations, diagnosis, if I had an income, etc. I was honest with all the questions without going into details. They said they'd get back to me yesterday.

This morning I woke up to a message from the office saying they were sorry but they couldn't help me.

I'm kinda crushed. I have the ability to pay, I just don't have insurance... so I don't feel like it's about money. I feel like my history has me red flagged, that the dr just didn't want to work with me. I feel rejected, broken beyond repair, and hopeless. I cried a little and went back to sleep, had dreams about it, then cried some more.

I never contact my T between sessions. I've always managed to pull myself through week to week. But now I feel like maybe I can't. I feel hopeless. Part of me wants to call her because I feel stuck in this feeling... but part of me is angry at her, and too proud to ask for help.

I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I'm so bad at taking care of myself.

[skysblue]

I think your regular doctor can prescribe anti-depressant meds, can't they? That's what my NP told me. It seems weird that you'd have to go to a specialist.

I can understand being angry with T but if I were in your shoes I would definitely call my T. I can afford to be stubborn and stay ticked off with her because my need is not so strong right now. Call her.

[BonnieJean]

((Childofyen)), I'm sorry you're feeling so tired and sad. Why don't you go ahead and contact your T? It is okay not to manage to pull yourself through every week.

[childofyen]

I haven't had a doctor of any sort in years. And I have a complicated history with meds which makes things difficult apparently.

[skysblue]

Well, there are other doctors. Don't give up. And the one who refused you care should be sent to **** for denying you help.

[Omers]

Call T and see if they are able to make other referrals. It takes time to find the right Pdoc. I'd let you borrow mine, she is awesome but I don't think she would fit into one of those nifty flat rate boxes from the post office.

[childofyen]

Originally Posted by skysblue

And the one who refused you care should be sent to **** for denying you help.

Thanks, that's sweet. In a really violent sort of way

[granite1]

COY please don't give up .I'm sure you can find a doc.and you shouldn't feel bad about asking for help from your T esp it is is her who is suggesting this

[skysblue]

And remember - being 'rejected' by an assh*** is not really being rejected. You should thank your lucky stars. Let's not give them more importance than they deserve.

You are accepted in many places including here on PC. Focus on that part of your life.

[childofyen]

I don't see this pdoc as being a bumhole. It's a private practice, he's the only pdoc in this town who has a sliding scale... I'm sure he gets overwhelmed with requests and he probably chooses to help the people he feels he can help the most.

That's just not me.

I've never been the person people can help the most. I'm difficult. I'm complicated. I'm needy. I'm high risk.

I don't blame him. I just wish my reality were different.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

I don't see this pdoc as being a bumhole. It's a private practice, he's the only pdoc in this town who has a sliding scale... I'm sure he gets overwhelmed with requests and he probably chooses to help the people he feels he can help the most.

That's just not me.

I've never been the person people can help the most. I'm difficult. I'm complicated. I'm needy. I'm high risk.

I don't blame him. I just wish my reality were different.

That's very nice of you to defend him but I cannot offer the same justification. To those most in need, healers need to step forward. But then again, so many so-called 'healers' are not ...

What are your other options? Can you make another request to them? Do you have anyone to advocate on your behalf? Is there a public mental health center close by?

Call your T for suggestions.

[childofyen]

This guy was one of my T's suggestions. So far most of them have fallen through. I'm waiting for a response from the nearest public health center... and that's about 40 mins from here. I will definitely commute. But now I'm scared that this is going to continue to be difficult.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by childofyen

But now I'm scared that this is going to continue to be difficult.

Ok - then it won't be easy. I guess there are some things in life we must accept. That's a lesson I'm trying to learn. But even if it's difficult, you can do it. Jump through the stupid hoops they put up for you and know that that is what is required for now. And, maybe, it will be good for you to exert that kind of effort. Being depressed is so energy draining but maybe, idk, fighting for something you need will offer some kind of weird kind of relief. Kooky idea, I know, but being forced to get out of bed sometimes helps.