Ugh.

I'm scared. Scared to go to my session today. It's like a perfect storm. Where everything in my world is about to collide.

Recently, T and I had a rupture. He broke our trust by sharing a private email I wrote with his assistant. I learned about it when it was sent back to me. We have been working through it.

During this time, something else REALLY big is going on. I mentioned to T when I first sent the email about his boundary crossing. We never talked about it because of this other but he knew it was BIG. Involving the past and the present.

Then, T went on vacation. We had been talking about his vacation all summer. The week BEFORE he left, his office called to remind me. The week he left, another call.

The day before he left, was a really intense session. He wanted me to share but I just couldn't. I cried. and cried. and cried. I remember he asked me lots of questions. I don't remember answering many. The thought of him being gone and me being left with it AND no session for two weeks was just too much!

The next week, T's office called me AGAIN to remind me of my cancelled appointment. And then there was this...T would not see me for another week AFTER my regularly scheduled appointment. It was like pouring salt on an open wound.

I sent T an email that day basically saying I knew I should be appreciative and thankful but it reminded me of how alone I felt. How alone I really am. T never responded, I didn't expect him too.

So, here I am. Hours away from seeing T and I don't trust myself. I'm worried I will walk away because my feelings are TOO big and T is SO ....SILENT.

I think what I need from T, he can't give me.

I just don't know.

[WePow]

Let him know your truth.
State what you need and see if he can provide or not.
You deserve to know.

[Wren_]

I hope you were able to go ... and that you and T were able to talk about some of these things and he could give you at least some of what you need right now

Thanks Tigergirl and Wepow!

I did go. I am SO thankful I did!

For the first time in a really, really, really long time, I felt T totally got it!

At one point, we were talking about something very difficult. He nodded and I said, "Say something. PLEASE. Just say SOMETHING." And he did. And it was so comforting. And safe. And perfect.

I felt cared for. Heard.

I am still processing alot of what we discussed. But today, was EXACTLY what I needed.