[Wren_]

Running away
pulling away
shutting them out
hiding from them
withdrawing

I know I'm sort of doing that at the moment. Part of it's from feeling hurt about something, I'm trying to stop myself with logic but it still seems to be happening anyway Then I noticed others mentioning similar feelings and actions. Why do we do this and how do we stop this?

[crazycanbegood]

I wish I had helpful advice but I run about every month, sometimes more often. I am currently running from my T now. Sigh. It isn't because I think she'll terminate me. It isn't because I doubt she cares. I do hate discussing my life sometimes. I don't know. Rarely has T done anything that makes me want to flee. It's all about me.

Did T say or do something to hurt you or are you running from your own pain?

[skysblue]

Oh yeah, I've done (doing) that. Thinking I can make progress by pulling back emotionally and tackling everything analytically. One period I took klonopin before each session to make sure that I didn't rev up any emotions. I was determined to stay in control and maintain my retreat. But, it doesn't last because in the end I want to make some progress. I think I'll advance, retreat, advance, retreat....for a long long time.

For me, shutting down and wanting to run away is because I am feeling an intense feeling to the point it feels way too big for me to manage. It feels too big to bring to T to work on. It's just too much.

Sometimes I just allow myself to do that. As long as it's not harmful to me. I tell myself it's ok to shut down and run away until my next appointment. Or I try to do the opposite action: I email T about what's going on (run TO her), and by getting it to her via a message I tell myself I got what I could out and again, I'll deal with it during my appointment.

To cope I use a lot of DBT distress tolerance skills. I'll use distraction, throw myself into something that occupies me instead of focusing on how shut down I feel. Sometimes for me, the focusing on it makes it worse. So I do a lot of self care and gentleness with myself. I notice that I'm feeling shutting down, but that's ok, neither good nor bad... Just kinda "go with the flow" while continue to ensure I'm taking care of me.

(((hugs))) wish I could be more help.

[Omers]

I used to run away. Now I want to pick fights. Not sure if that is progress or just the flip side of the same coin.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Omers

I used to run away. Now I want to pick fights. Not sure if that is progress or just the flip side of the same coin.

Yeah, I think I did that with my passive-aggressive behavior last week.

When this happens to me, I try to have respect for the "fences" I put up, because they have developed as a way for me to feel safe. And while, yes, I want to bring them down or make them shorter so that I can be closer to my T and/or other people, I also need to be able to put them back up so I am not too open to the world afterwards. Otherwise I am too vulnerable and that's not a good thing.

Perhaps you can trust your own wisdom and allow yourself to believe that the walls are up for the right reason? And that when you feel safe again (and you will), they will come down.

Anne

[Butterflies Are Free]

I have also run away from my T. Sometimes what helps is if I actually tell her that I feel like running away and need her help.

[rainbow_rose]

I'm in a similar place.... I have a good plan for my session, but suddenly I don't want to go. I want to hide. I'm not sure why either. You're not alone, tigergirl.

[skeksi]

Tiger, often if I feel the urge to run away from T, it's because I feel pushed away by something. Have you had a disagreement, or did something unexpected happen that made you feel rejected, maybe?

[SallyBrown]

Sigh... Yes, I know this impulse well. For me, I think most of the time it's because we've gotten into something deep and hurtful that requires that I trust him to be there and not take advantage of my vulnerability, or hurt me in a way I'd been hurt before.

[skeksi]

I wanted to add that the only reason I have that insight is that I'm going through the whole "I feel rejected/I will reject you first!" thing myself in T right now. Luckily, T tipped me off that I would probably feel that way so it is not entirely unexpected! But as SallyBrown says, I can see clear roots in my personal history that make me react this way.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I wanted to add that the only reason I have that insight is that I'm going through the whole "I feel rejected/I will reject you first!" thing myself in T right now. Luckily, T tipped me off that I would probably feel that way so it is not entirely unexpected! But as SallyBrown says, I can see clear roots in my personal history that make me react this way.

Yes!! Thank you for saying it better -- "I think you are going to reject me, so I'm going to reject you first!"

[delicatefade26]

I'm so glad you brought this topic up, I'm in the midst of this struggle right now-but it seems to be getting better...I've had about 10 session with my T, so it's very much still a new relationship and I have pretty severe abandonment fears so I would spend so much time thinking about leaving before he could leave me...especially b/c there was a scheduling issue for a while which spiked my anxiety about him saying he would be too busy to see me...so last session I asked him "If I were to stop emailing/calling you would you try to get a hold of me" and so we explored this issues for the majority of the session-and he has assured me that he is not leaving and that he would not just let me run...now the trick is to allow myself to fully believe in that (that is a whole other topic!!) but at some point I have to and see where it goes-so no more running away (physically or emotionally for me anymore)

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

I wish I had helpful advice but I run about every month, sometimes more often. I am currently running from my T now. Sigh. It isn't because I think she'll terminate me. It isn't because I doubt she cares. I do hate discussing my life sometimes. I don't know. Rarely has T done anything that makes me want to flee. It's all about me.

Did T say or do something to hurt you or are you running from your own pain?

sorry you do the same thing. It's good you know your T cares, but that "all about me" stuff can be so hard to get around at the moment for me I think it's a combination of things said, not said and the "all about me" stuff as well.

Originally Posted by skysblue

Oh yeah, I've done (doing) that. Thinking I can make progress by pulling back emotionally and tackling everything analytically. One period I took klonopin before each session to make sure that I didn't rev up any emotions. I was determined to stay in control and maintain my retreat. But, it doesn't last because in the end I want to make some progress. I think I'll advance, retreat, advance, retreat....for a long long time.

push, pull ... advance, retreat ... I know it well

Originally Posted by stormyangels

For me, shutting down and wanting to run away is because I am feeling an intense feeling to the point it feels way too big for me to manage. It feels too big to bring to T to work on. It's just too much.

Sometimes I just allow myself to do that. As long as it's not harmful to me. I tell myself it's ok to shut down and run away until my next appointment. Or I try to do the opposite action: I email T about what's going on (run TO her), and by getting it to her via a message I tell myself I got what I could out and again, I'll deal with it during my appointment.

To cope I use a lot of DBT distress tolerance skills. I'll use distraction, throw myself into something that occupies me instead of focusing on how shut down I feel. Sometimes for me, the focusing on it makes it worse. So I do a lot of self care and gentleness with myself. I notice that I'm feeling shutting down, but that's ok, neither good nor bad... Just kinda "go with the flow" while continue to ensure I'm taking care of me.

(((hugs))) wish I could be more help.

you were a lot of help, thanks. I don't know the distress tolerance skills; and I'm rotten on self care ... I do have a book on dbt somewhere though that I keep meaning to look at so that might help on those. I do know I need to "run to" and work this out somehow

Originally Posted by Omers

I used to run away. Now I want to pick fights. Not sure if that is progress or just the flip side of the same coin.

Strange how we do that, I've done that a bit also

Originally Posted by skysblue

Yeah, I think I did that with my passive-aggressive behavior last week.

Hopefully it helps

[Wren_]

Thanks Anne, what you shared is helpful because I know that I need to work on those boundary fences. To learn to have healthy ones up; and also when to let them down. I also know I can't really trust my own wisdomm though because it isn't that accurate it seems

Butterflies Are Free How has she responded to you when you've said that?

Rainbow_Rose. I'm slowly working out some of the reasons why; have you been able to work anything out or has the wanting to hide eased at all?

Originally Posted by skeksi

Tiger, often if I feel the urge to run away from T, it's because I feel pushed away by something. Have you had a disagreement, or did something unexpected happen that made you feel rejected, maybe?

Thanks Skeksi, a number of different things going on at the moment that is sending feelings and thoughts everywhere including both real and imagined thoughts

Thanks Sally and Skeksi, I understand the reject me before I reject you idea very well. Done that with many people over the years including T's; but don't think that's happening with this. Sorry to her you both know this so well also

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

I'm so glad you brought this topic up, I'm in the midst of this struggle right now-but it seems to be getting better...I've had about 10 session with my T, so it's very much still a new relationship and I have pretty severe abandonment fears so I would spend so much time thinking about leaving before he could leave me...especially b/c there was a scheduling issue for a while which spiked my anxiety about him saying he would be too busy to see me...so last session I asked him "If I were to stop emailing/calling you would you try to get a hold of me" and so we explored this issues for the majority of the session-and he has assured me that he is not leaving and that he would not just let me run...now the trick is to allow myself to fully believe in that (that is a whole other topic!!) but at some point I have to and see where it goes-so no more running away (physically or emotionally for me anymore)

That's wonderful you've been able to explore it with your T and that he has assured you he won't let you run