[learning1]

my t is good at making (up?) meaning. Today he said we were talking about depression. Most of what he said we were doing didn't make a lot of sense to me, so I'm not entirely convinced I was doing it as opposed to him doing it. But whatever. He wasn't talking a lot, I was just lazy. It's so much easier to let him lead.

He said he was with me in the depression. He asked how it felt to have him with me in it. It was awful because he seemed miserable and a little hurtful at the end. I said I didn't want to make other people feel that way. He said I didn't need to take care of him that way. I suppose he meant that. But it sure didn't feel like it was ok.

He was nice and gentle a few times too... it doesn't feel like he should have been.

Mostly I feel disgusted about being depressed and the things he was pointing out about it. He wasn't negative about it, but I was afraid to answer most of his questions because they were too close too pointing out disgusting things. I want to get this off my mind but mostly I can't, as usual. So I'm whining to nice, supportive people here again. sorry! I had a lot of work to do alone today which didn't help. Tomorrow I'll be back to usual work distractions and stop this.

[lastyearisblank]

Can you be more specific? It might help if you remember parts of the conversation.

I'm not sure about this T. I've said it before... I know you don't like to hear it but... things are a little enmeshed over there... what does that mean, he's "with you?" Is that going to help you get out of depression? I don't think so.

[skysblue]

I'm so sorry that by being 'with you', your T seemed to be miserable. God, it's tough enough feeling low without our T's joining us there. I feel so bad that you had to experience that.

[learning1]

I guess I think the being "with me" was to encourage me to talk about it. He said he thinks I've probably peeked at it and I'm afraid to look at it.

[lastyearisblank]

But why the vomit?????? People don't just vomit for no reason! Stop defending him!!!! (Sorry! I don't know why this is so nerve wracking for me!!!!)

[Wren_]

Not totally sure because your T may have been doing something else; but my experience of the "being with me" is that ... it's something that we are both doing .... he is there with me, feeling it with me, his reactions and things he says are as though he kind of "is me" at that moment. For me, the first few times were like what you describe ... totally horrible on so many levels and I kept worrying I was doing things wrong, or wondering what in the world the point of this lunacy was, but I was also curious so kept pursuing it. I find now that it brings up things that I wasn't aware of; that somehow something shifts inside and heals a little and that there is growth even though if I had to describe the logic to it I would be at a loss. Now having him with me feels safe and comforting as well as helping me to move forward where I couldn't before; so hopefully that's the kind of thinking behind your T's doing this?

Most of what he said we were doing didn't make a lot of sense to me, so I'm not entirely convinced I was doing it as opposed to him doing it. But whatever. He wasn't talking a lot, I was just lazy. It's so much easier to let him lead.

this happens with me sometimes in t, and "if" i am depressed i really need t to break things down to the most basic answer/explanation, etc as possible. usually i will just let him go on, and then when i think he is finished, i just say "wwhhaatt?? " and then i have to tell him, i have no idea what you just said. it makes me feel soooo stupid. i really do wish he would remember, it is usually only this way when i am depressed, otherwise i can follow t the first time. soo hard to say something
and the same thing with him leading. the more depressed i am the easier it is just to let him have/take control. i have no energy to say much of anything

[geez]

Sounds like he might have been trying to be empathetic? or finding a way to get you to be descriptive about your depression? Perhaps if he was there "with you" you could work through it together? I may be way out of the ballpark on this one - just my two scents worth. Perhaps this is something you should be talking about at your next appt.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by jbmomg

this happens with me sometimes in t, and "if" i am depressed i really need t to break things down to the most basic answer/explanation, etc as possible. usually i will just let him go on, and then when i think he is finished, i just say "wwhhaatt?? " and then i have to tell him, i have no idea what you just said. it makes me feel soooo stupid. i really do wish he would remember, it is usually only this way when i am depressed, otherwise i can follow t the first time. soo hard to say something
and the same thing with him leading. the more depressed i am the easier it is just to let him have/take control. i have no energy to say much of anything

T was really nice to me at one point when I said "sorry, I'm not paying attention, I forgot what you said." He said it's okay, you're in that yucky confused place. I appreciate any sympathy even though I could have remembered. I was afraid to talk to him and afraid to say a lot of the things I was thinking.

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

But why the vomit?????? People don't just vomit for no reason! Stop defending him!!!! (Sorry! I don't know why this is so nerve wracking for me!!!!)

I appreciate you always being on my side lyib, even when you don't think I'm on my side . I think this t cares even though he is pushing me. He says he cares pretty often. I guess I won't be sure if he knows what he's doing and it's not just going to make things worse until things happen, one way or the other, or until I decide to stop trying.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Not totally sure because your T may have been doing something else; but my experience of the "being with me" is that ... it's something that we are both doing .... he is there with me, feeling it with me, his reactions and things he says are as though he kind of "is me" at that moment. For me, the first few times were like what you describe ... totally horrible on so many levels and I kept worrying I was doing things wrong, or wondering what in the world the point of this lunacy was, but I was also curious so kept pursuing it. I find now that it brings up things that I wasn't aware of; that somehow something shifts inside and heals a little and that there is growth even though if I had to describe the logic to it I would be at a loss. Now having him with me feels safe and comforting as well as helping me to move forward where I couldn't before; so hopefully that's the kind of thinking behind your T's doing this?

What kind of situation was your t with you for, if you don't mind me asking tigergirl?

The only thing I could tell was that my t looked miserable. Based on him saying he was with me, I guessed he was trying to empathize with my depression or something. He was asking why I think I should suffer more than other people. Bllleghck. I didn't say that and I don't think it (consciously). But I'm afraid somehow something I said implies that and I'm afraid to ask him.

Originally Posted by geez

Sounds like he might have been trying to be empathetic? or finding a way to get you to be descriptive about your depression? Perhaps if he was there "with you" you could work through it together? I may be way out of the ballpark on this one - just my two scents worth. Perhaps this is something you should be talking about at your next appt.

I think you picked up the right scents Geez. He was trying to get me to describe my depression as something physical. That doesn't make sense to me and I told him that. He asked if depression was inside me or outside and he said he thinks it's outside. So I guess the point was I'm supposed to imagine it as an object that's separate from me.