[SoupDragon]

I am trying to unpeel the layers that I seem to have got wrapped up in this week. A few things happened, not major, but enough to wobble me slightly and then I have just read about the shark attack in the Seychelles.

I was with (my now ex) in the Gambia about 10 years ago. We were on the beach he wanted to go for a paddle, the red flags were flying...but it was only a paddle.

From that depth, the sea managed to drag him out - I can remember the event so clearly, I can hear my voice, hysterical, praying, irrational, panic, terrified, mentla images of loading a coffin onto the plane - watching him getting smaller and smaller out to sea, hustle and bustle on the beach, people with me, panic all around - it was an absolute miracle that he was saved, but how the memories have come flooded back, I can feel that panic again. And how I feel for that poor woman, that was almost me and I feel I have no right to have the bad feelings i have now, the terror turned into reality for her - I got my man back. I so feel for her.

I feel like a bottle of fizzy coke all shook up and about to explode - I know exactly what will help right now, what that goading voice is telling me to do, just wait a little longer until the kids are in bed and then I can. I can hear T saying to call if I ever get so overwhelmed, but I know I can't call T - I would not know what to say - after 16 months of T, I can't keep repeating this stupid patterns, I should know better by now.

So I am giving this a go - ahh I feel so frustrated with myself, my rational head is telling me one thing, but my body / mentla images are somewhere else. Breathe, feet on floor, stay present - but it is hard right now.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((( SD ))))))))))))))))))))

[granite1]

how are you doing SD

[lastyearisblank]

Oh I'm so sorry, are you ok? ((((((((((((((SD))))))))))))))))

[skysblue]

Soupdragon - who can cope with such horror? Please call T. They are there to help us when the emotions are overwhelming. Our emotions are real and we should not be ashamed of them. You have every right to feel the way you do. Those of us who did not have the experience you had also are feeling shock. And with you having gone through a similar situation, no wonder it's touching you so deeply. Again, please call T.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks for your posts - have e-mailed T and I going out for a walk in a while, that may help. I am sure tomorrow will be a sunnier day.

Sweetie, sorry i haven't been much help lately i agree though, call t, get that support that is being offered.

sending safe hugs

[childofyen]

I hope your walk is helping.

[Wysteria]

Hi Souper...

I'm so very sorry that you are having the flashbacks and memories and emotions....just remember that they are all in the past and you are in the present and the present cannot hurt you. Memories can scare but they are just emotions and they are not the reality of the present.

You are in the present and you are safe. Your feet are on the ground and you can wrap yourself in a warm blanket or turn on some favorite tunes or feel the sun on your face or splash a little perfume on your wrist...or eat a piece of chocolate...just stay in the present where you can feel contentment and sense some peace.. You are so cherished here and now..

Your empathy and soft heart for that lady are wonderful and show what a wonderful human being you are and what a lovely soul you have. Please stay in the present where it is safe and where you are loved and where your loved one, he is safe too.... You are very blessed.

I hope you were able to connect with your T...this is exactly the time that you are supposed to call him...let him help to soothe you and keep you grounded..

Huggles,

Wysteria Blue

[SoupDragon]

Thanks everyone. I e-mailed T - who responded and said to call if I need to - I have such an issue with the damn phone, I can't make that call it is something that I have never been able to do - pathetic eh? But T knows I have difficulties and suggested I do some writing about my thoughts and feelings if I couldn't call.

I am keepng away from any news stories and as it is 9pm here now, I am going to see if I can get an early night - I can't believe how this thing has absolutely floored me, I feel completely knocked for six.

I really want to thank each of you for your posts, the long ones, the short ones and the hugs - I am not good at asking for help and I am crying now as I share with you that you have all made me feel cared for, I asked for help and you guys were there - thank-you so much each and everyone one of you. Massive hugs SD.

[WhoAmIchild]

am so sorry you are going through that....i know how that feels....and i understand about making the phone call to T being hard....its not pathetic, its understandable....it must make u feel a little better though to know T is there for u....sometimes it helps to focus on that...i know its hard asing for help....but remember you DESERVE it....you dont have to go through anything alone anymore that you dont want to....people are there and want to be there.....sometimes it helps me to remember that...im new here and dont know you, but i can understand a little of whta u r feeling. hugs to you.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by WhoAmIchild

am so sorry you are going through that....i know how that feels....and i understand about making the phone call to T being hard....its not pathetic, its understandable....it must make u feel a little better though to know T is there for u....sometimes it helps to focus on that...i know its hard asing for help....but remember you DESERVE it....you dont have to go through anything alone anymore that you dont want to....people are there and want to be there.....sometimes it helps me to remember that...im new here and dont know you, but i can understand a little of whta u r feeling. hugs to you.

Thank-you WhoAmIChild - Have just woken up and found another e-mail from T talking me through some stuff, I think this has been the first time that I have really felt T was there for me, I have known before that I can e-mail / call, but not really "felt" it before.

Yes it is hard to ask for help and feel that I am entitled to it - actually feel rather guilty about it all today, ashamed in many ways - but maybe these feelings will be useful to discuss T at my next session.

My head is calmer today, easier to separate myself from those memories, I feel rather stunned and numb I think.

Welcome to PC by the way - this definitely is a great place to be - thank-you for your understanding - Soup

[Wren_]

soup, no wonder you were shaken up ... and I'm really glad you emailed your T and that your T replied and was abe to be there for you today in a way you could really "feel"

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

soup, no wonder you were shaken up ... and I'm really glad you emailed your T and that your T replied and was abe to be there for you today in a way you could really "feel"

Thank-you Tigergirl - feel much more able to cope with things today and I think I trust T a little more today, may be one day I will find the strength to actually call T.

And thank-you for my thought for the day:

If you don't step forward you will always be in the same place.

Soup

[Wren_]

That you were able to email and he came through for you is a big step forward and already took you out of the old place and yes, I think in time you'll be able to phone when you need to