[FourRedheads]

I feel terrible even posting this, as I know that you all have your own struggles and I'm being a big whiner. It's hard for me to admit that I need support.

I'm really good at stuffing everything. I'm good at not feeling anything. Except maybe fear. I feel that a lot.

I guess I've developed some strong feelings about my daughter's T. I've shared a few things with her. Daughter has been seeing her off & on for a few years now. Usually T will talk to me first and then talk with daughter.

About a month ago, I was triggered badly while there. I mean, falling apart triggered. I didn't know how to put myself back together. Lots of feelings coming out that I didn't know how to deal with.

T had scheduled my abusive ex to share daughter's appt (half hour for us, half hour for ex) and I did not tell us ahead of time he would be there. T and I walk out into the waiting area where daughter is waiting and ex is *right there*. He showed up early. It was horrible. I don't remember much. I think I must have yelled something because I remember someone asking if I was all right.

Daughter and I went back about a week later and the T spent some time with me, letting me talk. It was hard but nice.

Now I feel triggered every time we go there. Yesterday, daughter had an appointment. I was hoping her T would talk to me again. I know that is really selfish. She talked to me for just a few minutes. It was very awkward and yucky. I feel like such a loser. Walking to her office, another T came out of her office right in front of us. I don't know why, but I froze. I couldn't move. So we're all standing there and daughter's T says "excuse us" in kind of a mean voice to the other T. I was so humiliated. I got myself going again and made it to her office.

Ugh....I don't think this even makes any sense. I just had to get this out. I feel horrible; like the world's biggest loser.

FourRedHeads,

I don't think you're being a big whiner and I don't see how you're a loser either. I think admitting you have some feelings for your daughter's T is honest and brave.

I can totally see why you were triggered when you saw your abusive ex someplace where you had felt safe. I know all T's make mistakes, but I hope that she apologized for failing to let you know that. It makes total sense that you feel triggered every time you go there. What I'm saying is that you are acting totally normal for the circumstances. I am so sorry that you have to go through this every week.

Do you think it would help if you asked to see the T for an appointment just for you? Tell her about the triggering and how you feel every time you are there. It DOES make sense.

Anne

[ladyjrnlist]

Sounds like you could use a T of your own. Get one if you can.

you are not a loser, you are struggling. that is okay. i hope things go better for you. have you thought about making an appt for yourself with this same t? some t's will help several members of a family. i know the t i see will. and he does family therapy and individual. ask.

sending safe hugs

[rainbow8]

I don't think you're a whiner or a loser either! It makes sense that you're being triggered seeing your ex when you weren't expecting to. It sounds like you feel a connection to your d's T. DO you have a T? Where does he/she fit in all this? If you aren't seeing one, would your d's T see you privately, or would you have to see someone else? Maybe she can recommend someone.

[delicatefade26]

I know it's difficult but let's push all the negative descriptions out of the discussion, it's not being a whiner or a loser-this is a very real situation for you and it's okay to come here for support (that's why we are here)
I think it's a very normal response to be triggered by seeing your ex...and then having to deal with the feelings about it and the person who is responsible for you seeing them-I can see how that would cause you to feel weird around them and not sure what to say-especially when they are not your T but your daughters...did your daughter's T apologize or try to work out how this could be done without you having the fear of seeing him?
Also-are you in any type of counseling yourself?

If she knew he was historically abusive,and didn't forewarn you,I think she was very out of line.Were you feeling a bit self conscious about the previous session and perhaps misunderstood her behavior?I would ask her about both items.I think they are both worthy of discussing.But,bringing abusive ex w/o forewarning....is VERY inappropriate if she was aware of abuse.

[FourRedheads]

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

Sounds like you could use a T of your own. Get one if you can.

I realized that I needed help soon after all of this. Major trigger, lots of safety issues with the kids (ex), not sleeping, panic attacks, not eating, etc. I was also having flashbacks to events that happened in my past. Things I didn't remember from 20 years ago.

So I called our local mental health agency and got an appt with a different T. I don't have insurance; kids have Title 19. I don't think I would be able to see my daughter's T alone because I wouldn't have any way to pay for it.

I've seen the new T three times so far. She's on vacation right now. I have one more week to go before I see her again.

[FourRedheads]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

If she knew he was historically abusive,and didn't forewarn you,I think she was very out of line.Were you feeling a bit self conscious about the previous session and perhaps misunderstood her behavior?I would ask her about both items.I think they are both worthy of discussing.But,bringing abusive ex w/o forewarning....is VERY inappropriate if she was aware of abuse.

Yes, daughter's T knows about the abuse. The reason daughter sees T is because ex physically abused her on a visitation visit.

She has never apologized to me. She did tell me that she got a lot of "good information" from what happened.

Yes, I think I am feeling self-conscious about the previous session. I let my guard down which is something I rarely do. I need her to tell me she's sorry and that she cares. What I want to do is pull away and not talk to her at all. I know I should talk to her about it but I don't know how. I'm scared I'll get hurt again.

[granite1]

four i dont think you are a whiner at all.i would have freaked out also and i think it was poor judgement on your D T's part to let this happen. were you able to let her know how this has effected you.sending big hugs you way

Maybe you could write it.And I think that since you find it difficult,it could be therapeutic for you.If nothing else,state the two items matter-of-factly....this is what was said/done....this is how I felt.I thought it worth speaking up about.If I say nothing,how will you know,and where would resolution come from.You have a right.That ex thing is very serious.

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Yes, I think I am feeling self-conscious about the previous session. I let my guard down which is something I rarely do. I need her to tell me she's sorry and that she cares. What I want to do is pull away and not talk to her at all. I know I should talk to her about it but I don't know how. I'm scared I'll get hurt again.

This jumped right out at me. I used to feel this way every time I would open up even a teeny bit with T...it's scary to feel so vulnerable, and to let someone in, and even scarier when it's because we were triggered out of nowhere.

None of my children have a T, so I don't know how the dynamics/boundaries of that relationship work...but at the very least, I wonder if you could tell her that you need some advance notice if your ex is going to be there? It sounds like it was a very scary trigger for you

It doesn't make it any easier that your own T is out of town. When your T comes back, could you tell him/her about the feelings you're going through with your daughter's T? Sometimes it helps just to SAY things, and get them out in the open.

Many, many hugs to you

[SallyBrown]

I'm with wolfsong... write it down, get yourself to a point where you can say it (or read it) calmly and matter-of-factly. My ex and I cannot be in the same place at the same time due to our previous abusive relationship, and I request to be notified in advance if there is any possibility he could show up early and be there when I leave. Period.

There is no shame in being triggered by a past abuser, and it is a reasonable request that will allow everyone to treat the situation as professionally and directly as possible, without detracting from your daughter's therapy. The T should already understand this.

If she has a problem with it, it is HER problem, not yours. I'm pretty annoyed with her for you, actually. What kind of T creates all that drama and doesn't apologize??

Good luck

Absolutely Sallybrown,T was unprofessional as well as insensitive to the need for a level of trust with T,and a bit shaming.Her actions sound highly questionable,triggering,and potentially damaging....physically....and therapeutically,for FourRedeads considering all that I assume T was aware of in regard to clients history.

[FourRedheads]

You've all given me lots of good things to think about. Thanks for that.

I think I need to clarify a little bit. While I was talking to her, daughter's T did tell me that ex would be there. This was around 1 pm, at the start of the session. T told me ex would be there at 1:30. This scared me and I immediately started to panic. Daughter was sitting out in the waiting area! I asked if we could sit in the second waiting area that is kind of a hidden waiting room, further back in the building. T agreed to this.

After discussing this, and I'm getting more and more nervous, T said she was afraid he might come early and that we should get daughter and move her to the other waiting room. Daughter has not seen her dad since October, when abuse took place.

When T and I walked out of her office, he was standing right in front of us, checking in at the counter. He then spotted daughter, and walked right up to her. Daughter was terrified. I think I screamed, and T ran across the waiting room, grabbed daughter and half-ran her to her office. I stood there frozen, and T yelled at me to go in and shut the door.

Holy crap. I'm scared just typing this out. So T sits and tries to calm us down for about 10 minutes. Eventually we walk out (ex is sitting close by) and go to that other waiting room. T gets ex and takes him to her office. I sit, terrified, with daughter until a receptionist came out and told us we could leave.

So...do you still think that T was unprofessional and insensitive? I don't know what to think.

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

When T and I walked out of her office, he was standing right in front of us, checking in at the counter. He then spotted daughter, and walked right up to her. Daughter was terrified. I think I screamed, and T ran across the waiting room, grabbed daughter and half-ran her to her office. I stood there frozen, and T yelled at me to go in and shut the door.

Holy crap. I'm scared just typing this out. So T sits and tries to calm us down for about 10 minutes. Eventually we walk out (ex is sitting close by) and go to that other waiting room. T gets ex and takes him to her office. I sit, terrified, with daughter until a receptionist came out and told us we could leave.

So...do you still think that T was unprofessional and insensitive? I don't know what to think.

Hi FourRedHeads,

I am really confused about this. I have worked with mostly domestic violence victims, both adult and child, as an attorney, for more than 20 years. I do not understand why a T would allow an abusive parent to visit the daughter's T AT ALL, much less to be there when daughter has her therapy. This would understandably terrify the child, to not only see her father when she wasn't expecting him, and whom she has not seen for many months, but also to see him in her place of healing, her safe place? This could set back your daughter's therapy back severely! I do not understand why he was there at all, and if he was going to be there, your T should have taken steps to at least protect your child, if not you too.

If your daughter was my client, I would at a minimum call this T up and rip her a new one. If your daughter had a restraining order or if there is involvement by child&family services, this T's behavior would be a violation of said restraining order -- not in a technical sense, as she wouldn't have any legal liability, but it would be an example of poor professional judgement. To me, even without a restraining order, I would seriously never recommend that an abused child or an abused woman EVER be placed in any situation where ANY professional allows them to have contact with their abuser. For a therapist, frankly, it inexcusable, unless, of course, I'm misunderstanding something.

Sorry to be so blunt and disturbed by this, but because I have worked with so many abuse victims who have tried so hard to keep their abusers away from themselves and their children, the fact that your T either somehow facilitated this contact or at a minimum, was negligent in allowing it to happen, just completely peeves me off.

Anne

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

You've all given me lots of good things to think about. Thanks for that.

I think I need to clarify a little bit. While I was talking to her, daughter's T did tell me that ex would be there. This was around 1 pm, at the start of the session. T told me ex would be there at 1:30. This scared me and I immediately started to panic. Daughter was sitting out in the waiting area! I asked if we could sit in the second waiting area that is kind of a hidden waiting room, further back in the building. T agreed to this.

After discussing this, and I'm getting more and more nervous, T said she was afraid he might come early and that we should get daughter and move her to the other waiting room. Daughter has not seen her dad since October, when abuse took place.

When T and I walked out of her office, he was standing right in front of us, checking in at the counter. He then spotted daughter, and walked right up to her. Daughter was terrified. I think I screamed, and T ran across the waiting room, grabbed daughter and half-ran her to her office. I stood there frozen, and T yelled at me to go in and shut the door.

Holy crap. I'm scared just typing this out. So T sits and tries to calm us down for about 10 minutes. Eventually we walk out (ex is sitting close by) and go to that other waiting room. T gets ex and takes him to her office. I sit, terrified, with daughter until a receptionist came out and told us we could leave.

So...do you still think that T was unprofessional and insensitive? I don't know what to think.

Yeah, see, I don't think telling you when you are already there that your ex will be there counts as letting you know ahead of time. What are you going to do, walk out? You did what you could, which was ask to move your daughter.

She was "afraid he might come early"?? Yeah, no kidding! She told you at 1pm that he'd be there in 30 MINUTES. If I was going somewhere new for an appt, like your ex was, I'd probably show up early too. This is all a bunch of crap, she did not have your daughter's safety in mind AT ALL. She literally left her out there knowing full well that it would be possible that your daughter could run into her abuser, ALONE, and AFTER you had already separated from her. And separated from her with full trust in T that nothing would happen to your daughter while you were not at her side. W. T. F.

I think this actually makes me MORE angry!! I mean, my T even tries to make sure that no one from my university (he sees many people from the same school, staff and students alike) or even my alma mater, which I graduated from 6 years ago and is also nearby, will cross paths with me in the waiting room on the off-chance we might know each other and lose some privacy. An ex-abuser?? Scheduled right after?? In the same waiting area?? W. T. F.

This is incredibly unacceptable. I can't tell if she's insensitive, stupid, or both. Neither you nor your daughter deserved this.

(Sorry, I know I'm being harsh, but I'm recently dealing with abuse issues--not my own--in my family, and this situation just does not compute in my head.)

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

This is incredibly unacceptable. I can't tell if she's insensitive, stupid, or both. Neither you nor your daughter deserved this.

Thank you for saying exactly what I feel, but couldn't articulate as well as you.

Anne

[Wren_]

Others are giving good advice which I hope you are listening to. Nothing to add, but I wanted to send hugs your way and let you know that I'm glad you are posting and asking for support and that by doing so you are being wise (not whiny!)

[FourRedheads]

T wanted the joint session with my ex because child protective services is pushing for daugher to see her dad. This T agreed that daughter should first meet her dad in session with her. T wanted a few sessions with her dad alone first before doing a joint session. I think T scheduled us this way so she could bill my daughter's insurance (half hour with daughter, half hour with dad). Or something like that. It was a really stinky way for her to go about it.

I really appreciate all the responses. This did not sit well with me and it's helpful to see that many of you don't like it either. So often I don't know if I can trust my own feelings and instincts about things. It complicates things too because obviously I have my own trust issues with her T and have developed a sort of therapeutic relationship with her myself. I don't know what I'm going to do. Talking to the T feels too big and scary right now.