T left me a message today about our session yesterday and our session that is coming up on Friday.

When I left a message for him, I talked about how I don't usually have an agenda for therapy, but that I feel like we have an agenda for Friday.

He said that yes, he thinks we do have an agenda for Friday. He said that we have a longer session, and that he will make it safe and keep track of the time so we can get connected and grounded and present at the end, and, basically, we will move back into the hard stuff.

I really do trust T to guide me at this point. Even though he defers to MY "internal wisdom" 99% of the time, he's known me for so long, and so well, and I think we both feel like I need some guidance right now.

I can not even put into words how much I wish this stuff didn't happen. I don't want to think about it, talk about it, remember it, share it, feel it, know it. It's nightmarish. Just thinking about talking about it takes my breath away.

So. I'm trying not to think about it today (or tomorrow, or Thursday).

And I know I am being a big whiner, but this just doesn't. feel. fair. I don't WANT to have this stuff to talk about. NOT FAIR.

[googley]

((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))))))

You are totally right. This is NOT fair! You should not have to be going through this.

However, I think you are doing it with a determination that is to be admired. Your progress shows me that it can be done. Step by step it can be done.

Don't feel bad about needing to vent about this. We are here to listen and provide support. It is hard. It is okay to get frustrated and angry and annoyed and pissed off and ... any other word you want to use about this. That emotion tells you that what happened wasn't right. And IT WAS NOT.

I know that when I was a kid I was told it was not okay to be angry. It was not okay to have any "negative" emotions. However, that isn't true. Those emotions are what tell us that we need to do something about the situation. While we couldn't control things when we were kids, we can now use that energy that comes from the emotion to propel us to work on our issues.

You Can do this.

[gma45]

Sending big hugs your way Tree!

[granite1]

tree one thing for sure is it wasnt fair and never will be .but you are so brave in confronting these deamonds every single week.it just amazes me.you are ever strong even if you dont feel this way know that you are.

A month or so ago, I decided I wanted to slog through some of the trauma stuff, so I started my session saying "This is really hard to talk about." Insert whiny, cry-baby voice and exaggerated fists circling next to eyes rubbing away fountain of tears erupting from both eyes. Okay, I didn't really sound or do that bad, but I really get the impulse to call yourself a whiner.

But what I wanted to say is that when T checked in with me later and said something like, you said it was something hard to talk about, was it? And I said, no, it turned out not to be. I thought that was because I had started out by saying it was hard. And that just kind of took the punch right out of it.

And I'm not sure if this is going on with you, but if part of your "whiner" issue is that you think that what happened to you just wasn't "that" bad, because you know people who "had it much worse", I'd like to tell you something that I think is really pretty true. Or, as Stephen Colbert would say, it's at least pretty truthy. I have felt the same way so many times. I'll spare you my listing of all the reasons why my history just isn't that bad.

Probably the only one thing that I know for sure is true is that if you deny your own pain, whatever the source of that pain may be, it will come back and kick you in the teeth, every single time. Pay attention to it, honor it, and it will lose its grip on you faster than a toddler who gets attention settles down and starts acting human again.

I'll be thinking of you and wishing good things for you. IN my experience, the anticipation of talking about it has always been worse than the reality.

Best, Anne

Hi tree - You're right - it's NOT fair that you have all this to deal with. It sounds like you've made good progress, and it's natural to feel frustrated and angry sometimes at the simple fact that you have to deal with all this. You're in the situation where you know that it's coming up on Friday, but it's not Friday yet and you just have to wait and wait and wait, knowing it's coming. Why wouldn't you feel frustrated? Give yourself a break! Sometimes I just whine and feel childish, and do all but lie down on the floor and throw a complete tantrum. I feel sheepish afterwards, but sometimes it feels kinda good just to get it out.
Hugs to you, be strong, and I hope Friday comes quickly so you can get this over with.

[purple_fins]

I talked about how I don't usually have an agenda for therapy

Really? How do you get things done? How can one make progress if there isnt a "function" to work on, a problem to make better or a hurt to heal?

I almost always have an agenda...one day- learning to cope with making mistakes at work, another day- learning to communicate better about what I want/need as a wife/mother/sister and still another- recognizing a trigger and learning how to heal from it. (NOT having an agenda would keep me stuck in chaos forever!)

oh.... I just thought of something-- Is your therapy... ummm... what's it called? psychoanalysis?? psychoanalytical??....
maybe that's the difference?
I think most of the therapy I do is CBT.

Yes, life certainly isn't fair.

I hope you can get some healing, insight and inner peace on Friday

best to you
fins

Very little in life is fair.

Hang in there. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Wren_]

(((((((Tree)))))))) it's ok that you don't want to talk about it and that you don't want to think about it

[learning1]

I think you are very very very unwhiny. And if you want to whine a little once in a while, you should. Or maybe you should whine more, I don't know, but I definitely think it's fine to complain here more than you do. Sorry you have to deal with stuff that happened to you.