[Indie'sOK]

Hi guys,
SO I went to T today and we did EMDR....she started out by explaining how it works (putting my technical mind to rest), and the different ways it can be conducted. She said that we could use the hand motions or she could tap on my hands, palms upturned. I immediately said no to that one, since her having the chance to see my scar would freak me out. Seriously, at work and at school - any time I'm around people, really - I feel the need to hide it, so leaving it so painfully visible seems strange and wrong....but maybe it would help in reducing the shame if I let her do it that way, let her see? Anyways, we started to get into the bullying stuff since we're going in chronological order and that's pretty much where my problems start. She asked why the kids teased me, I said because of my complexion and weight. UGH...I hate talking about that stuff...saying the word "fat". It sounds so gross for me to say to such a pretty woman like her. I don't know. Maybe that's just me...it probably is just me. I told her that I'd like to work on the flashbacks I've always had since the night in February (see signature and you'll know what I mean) - they make me cringe and I think they need to be addressed. So I guess I'm just worried that this won't work. How will I know if it's helping?

[dismantle.repair]

heh. I know how you feel with this one
I have this gigantic scar and whenever I'm talking to anyone, I keep my palm pressed into the side of my leg...
I remember when it just happened and I had a bandage on it, but I had my watch and other tihngs over it, I accidentally lifted up my hand and the bandage was visible.
I think I let my hand drop before she (T) saw it though.
I'm... debating letting her see it. Not... outrightly show it to her, but at least make it visible.

[Indie'sOK]

Yeah.....a part of me wants to break down and let her and feel the comfort that comes from the fact that she's the only person that wouldn't think it's weird or gross..
I think this comes from wanting to feel taken care of by T. Is that dumb?

[rainbow8]

Some people see results with EMDR immediately. I don't. I usually feel tired and often relaxed after an EMDR session, but it doesn't always seem to work. My T thinks it works even if I don't think it is, though. She keeps emphasizing that there is not right or wrong way to do it.

I couldn't do it with my T moving her fingers. I couldn't follow them! We use hand-held buzzers, very simple. So, did you use the finger method? How do you feel afterwards? Sometimes you feel stuff days afterwards. Everyone reacts differently to EMDR.

Sometimes it helps me just to be able to tell my T what I'm feeling/seeing with my eyes closed. Did you do it with your eyes closed? That's how my T does it.

It's hard when you have to talk about the negative feelings about yourself. I've had to say stuff like "I'm ashamed of by body". My T always says EMDR gets you where you need to go. Today I was supposed to thinking about an incident from years ago but instead I was thinking about my T's hug. I said "I'm doing it wrong" and she said, "no", just tell her what I'm thinking or what image I'm seeing and it's not wrong. Or, if you don't want to, you don't even have to say. My T stops the buzzers when she observes that I'm thinking about something else.

Good luck with it!

[Indie'sOK]

There's something quite unusual that sticks out to me when I reflect back on yesterday's session...you know, usually when I'm talking to T, I try to stay true to the feelings that I'd otherwise be writing about by expressing them eloquently...not necessarily using "big words", but just trying to make sense of them in a writer's fashion. Maybe that's kind of pretentious, but here's the thing. Yesterday, as we were in the middle of it, she'd ask me these questions about what I was feeling right then, and I'd respond with an almost childlike quality. For example, we worked on my past experiences with bullying. When she told me to imagine the actions of the elementary school teachers and principal (who did nothing to help me), I'd work on that thought. I'm still not sure if it actually worked or not, but what stands out to me is my response to her next question. T asked what I would have said to these teachers, and out of me came this quiet little voice....."when you see that a kid is hurting, you're supposed to help them." Big me would never say that. My literary, perfectionist mind wouldn't let that happen. I would have instead replied with a more mature and well thought-out way to phrase those same words. Weird, right? Right now I'm thinking of the feeling I shared with T yesterday (at least on my end), thought still a little embarrassed by the whole thing. It's like I was able to get past some of my inhibitions (as in the need to speak as if I were writing fine literature) and just say what was there at that moment. It felt so personal..like nothing I've really ever had with her before. I think I like it.

Rainbow...I too have a bit of a hard time following them. It's like my thoughts are dominating my ability to do so. If I'm deep in thought, I become less focused on what I'm supposed to be staring at in front of me. I think this is where it works, in a way, thus I think this is the best approach for me. I'm not really a touchy-feely kind of person (unless it's hugging, which with T I'd totally go for), so doing it with my hands would be near impossible because I'd be focused on that instead of my thoughts. Then there's the SI scar.....which also kills the mood. But there's something with that, as well. Little me almost wants T to see this - wants to feel loved and taken care of and by her seeing this and accepting it, maybe I'd be coming closer to having that happen.

Does this make sense at all? Please, someone with knowledge of this kind of thing, come forward and give your interpretation because this is BIG for me...real big. I need to know what this all means, what it translates to in T-speak. Heck, maybe T is the person who needs to hear this most.

Thank you

[Omers]

Big trigger warning.


My mom had a suicide attempt when I was in Jr high. In her mental state at the time she came home, removed the bandages and said "see what you do to me". A while back I realized she was hiding her scars from me. I took both her hands (palm down) then flipped them over. Her head dropped and her eyes filled with tears. I ran my fingers over both of them and said "we are both OK, we are both OK" and let go. For me, the scars are a symbol of the healing of body, mind and our relationship. Just another way to look at things.

[rainbow8]

First of all, strange things happen when you do EMDR, so talking like a child is normal. The first I did it I saw a big sign like a billboard with paint dripping. It said "I want Mommy!" and that was not coming from grown-up me.

Next, if your T has hand held buzzers, I hold them in my hands, palms facing down. They're small and I put my hands in my lap. She doesn't see my palms at all. I don't focus on the buzzers. T operates them--turns them on and off. I don't think about them. I'm supposed to let my thoughts go by like leaves floating on the water and tell her, or not tell her, when she stops the buzzers, what I was thinking or seeing.

I close my eyes when I do EMDR. I don't know if that would be easier or harder for you, but just giving you some alternatives to ask your T about.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

First of all, strange things happen when you do EMDR, so talking like a child is normal. The first I did it I saw a big sign like a billboard with paint dripping. It said "I want Mommy!" and that was not coming from grown-up me.

Next, if your T has hand held buzzers, I hold them in my hands, palms facing down. They're small and I put my hands in my lap. She doesn't see my palms at all. I don't focus on the buzzers. T operates them--turns them on and off. I don't think about them. I'm supposed to let my thoughts go by like leaves floating on the water and tell her, or not tell her, when she stops the buzzers, what I was thinking or seeing.

I close my eyes when I do EMDR. I don't know if that would be easier or harder for you, but just giving you some alternatives to ask your T about.

Trigger for talk of body issues/ED


Thank you Omers and Rainbow......my T doesn't have the buzzers, but I think that would be very cool. Since she does it with her hand, I can't close my eyes, but I'm wondering if closing them would somehow let my worry that she's looking at me take over...I'd focus on that instead of my thoughts...I'm not trying to sound stubborn, I'm just considering the pros and cons of the methods available to me.

Little me loves hearing T's voice...while I was doing it yesterday, she kept saying, very gently and calmly, "good...good job" and part of me absolutely loved that. Like I never wanted to leave.

Do you think I should print this out and share it? It feels so wrong, coming from someone like me. Seriously you guys, this is my thought process...."if I were a tiny, frail little young woman, maybe me having these thoughts and problems would be easier to imagine. But I'm none of those things except a young woman, so that I feel like this seems strange. If I were smaller (I hate the word "thinner"), somehow that would make it all easier. T would like me better...." Can you believe that? Even I can't believe that, I know it's ridiculous, but that's how it feels. I don't have an ED, just a very low self-esteem and a LOT of self-consciousness, especially when it comes to T.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Indie'sOK

Trigger for talk of body issues/ED

Little me loves hearing T's voice...while I was doing it yesterday, she kept saying, very gently and calmly, "good...good job" and part of me absolutely loved that. Like I never wanted to leave.

Do you think I should print this out and share it? It feels so wrong, coming from someone like me. Seriously you guys, this is my thought process...."if I were a tiny, frail little young woman, maybe me having these thoughts and problems would be easier to imagine. But I'm none of those things except a young woman, so that I feel like this seems strange. If I were smaller (I hate the word "thinner"), somehow that would make it all easier. T would like me better...." Can you believe that? Even I can't believe that, I know it's ridiculous, but that's how it feels. I don't have an ED, just a very low self-esteem and a LOT of self-consciousness, especially when it comes to T.

Oh, I can very much relate to this! I am extremely self-conscious and am overweight. So, during the times when I realize that T "sees" me helps me feel so ashamed. I think to myself MANY times, how on earth could anyone even want to talk to me or even remotely care about me when I'm so repulsive to look at. It's impossible for anyone to feel anything warm towards me. It's so hard to think otherwise, as it's such a core belief.

[laceylu]

Indie you are so brave when my T wanted to start EMDR I freaked. She said I was allowed to say no. I hope it helps you. I will try later when the did thing is worked out. The immaturity, I think is totally normal. Someone posted this website and I have been reading it like crazy and it really explains the mind and what the T is doing.
http://www.integrativetherapy.com/en/articles.php?id=28