[mcl6136]

Hello All,
I have read several recent posts about being "triggered" by things that our t's say..and this has surely happened to me during my eight months of sessions with my T. However, there are other times when the things that he says just strike me as clue-less and I've felt badly misunderstood or even like what I've said hasn't been accurately reflected back to me in the least...I would expect more from a fairly dim-witted friend. So what I'm wondering is why it's so hard to get my T to "own" these things. I know that therapy is about me (and I want it to be) but there are times when my T is actually an obstacle...For example, when I've had a great few days and then express anxiety that the good times won't continue, he seizes on the fact that I'm catastrophizing.....He hears only expressions of weakness rather than building on my strength....and I take issue with it, saying, you could just as easily have seen the positives -- and then I get mad, would you call this being triggered? Or are there times when anger over being misunderstood makes sense? I guess I'm looking for some reactions about what "being triggered" is all about...

[purple_fins]

I'm not so sure what happened for you would be considered "triggered".

I think perhaps- it's more like-- frustration. (? maybe)
The idea that someone who's supposed to help you, at times, doesn't seem to be able to steer you in the direction that YOU feel could be healing. a feeling of "out of sinc" with each other.....
what do you think? could that be it?

IMO-being "triggered" by anyone is a feeling of mental and often physical upset- a helpless feeling, deep down in ones soul(often feeling unsafe)... it usually stops ones current activity and the ability to focus.... unless one has gone through much therapy work and has figured out how to cope in the moment of being triggered.

[mcl6136]

All,

this post should have been entitled Being triggered or just plain angry...Not PLAN angry...when I'm triggered planning is the last thing on my mind!

I loved the definition of triggered as feeling unsafe and the feeling as being (located) down in one's soul. That makes total sense for me.

I do think I'm learning to understand the "angry here and now" and triggered into something from the past. Both of them can make me feel like I cannot focus and lose the ability to respond in a kind, conscious compassionate way.

Clarity, at least, is coming!

[sunrise]

MCL, what you describe doesn't sound like being triggered to me. It sounds like it is not harkening back to some experience in your past, but all about how your T is acting in the present. It is definitely possible to feel unhappy or frustrated with our T's behavior and responses without it being due to a trigger.

when I've had a great few days and then express anxiety that the good times won't continue, he seizes on the fact that I'm catastrophizing.....He hears only expressions of weakness rather than building on my strength....and I take issue with it, saying, you could just as easily have seen the positives --

This is a great thing to tell your T. Maybe he tends to be a "glass half empty" kind of guy and needs a nudge to be more positive. Or maybe this is his therapy style (it sounds more CBT than humanistic) so that is why he chooses to emphasize what he does, and he won't change it because it is not his therapy approach.

My T is from the humanist tradition which aligns on the human potential movement of the 60s/70s. So he would definitely build on a person's strengths, emphasize the positive, etc. If your T continually does not take this tack and you want it, perhaps a T who is trained in another approach would be more what you are looking for? How long have you been with your T?

In any case, I think this is a great discussion to have with your T.

[purple_fins]

Sunrise-- as usual said what I was trying to say-- but I didn't say it as clearly.

what you describe doesn't sound like being triggered to me. It sounds like it is not harkening back to some experience in your past, but all about how your T is acting in the present. It is definitely possible to feel unhappy or frustrated with our T's behavior and responses without it being due to a trigger.

a "trigger" is not really a feeling of upset.... it's a HUGE feeling of being sucked into a black hole.... rational thinking is "out the window" and the act of being present is also murky.
What you've been talking about doesn't sound like being triggered.... well, that's my opinion anyway. You don't sound "lost in the spiral" -- as I like to refer to it.
and that's a good thing for you!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by sunrise

MCL, what you describe doesn't sound like being triggered to me. It sounds like it is not harkening back to some experience in your past, but all about how your T is acting in the present. It is definitely possible to feel unhappy or frustrated with our T's behavior and responses without it being due to a trigger.

This is a great thing to tell your T. Maybe he tends to be a "glass half empty" kind of guy and needs a nudge to be more positive. Or maybe this is his therapy style (it sounds more CBT than humanistic) so that is why he chooses to emphasize what he does, and he won't change it because it is not his therapy approach.

My T is from the humanist tradition which aligns on the human potential movement of the 60s/70s. So he would definitely build on a person's strengths, emphasize the positive, etc. If your T continually does not take this tack and you want it, perhaps a T who is trained in another approach would be more what you are looking for? How long have you been with your T?

In any case, I think this is a great discussion to have with your T.

Thank you for this reply! I really benefited from hearing you on this. I think that my T IS a half-empty kind of guy...In fact, I think he kinda uses this as his power base, quite frankly...not all the time, but there is a sense that I have that he is bringing his own stuff to the sessions (he'd have to, to a certain extent, I guess) and I brought that up once. I said, really? I think this seeing me as struggling even when it's clear that I'm making progress is *your* sh#$t. And he kind of admitted it. Which is one of the reasons that I'm considering moving on! Anyway, thanks for hearing me on this one......MCL

[SilentLucidity]

I found reading the various "definitions" of triggered very interesting. Thank you all.

[Perna]

One thing I found that made it easier for myself (but it took a long time) was not to "fight" with my T about what she said? If you want your T to talk about your positive things, tell him that. But you don't have a problem with positive things do you? So, it kind of makes sense that he would mention the negative as that's what you are wanting to work on?

In your example, you are doing well but then "flip" into, "I'm afraid it won't last". What would you like to happen in that situation? Do you want to "pretend" that if you don't look at what you are afraid of it can't happen? Do you not want to notice that when you are doing well you try to bring yourself down "before" life/circumstances can do it for you (you think).

You cannot influence what you are doing by thinking about it; you are not "magic" so that you can think things into going well or ill. Yes, you can change your perception and that can change how you feel, etc. but you can decide to think whatever you want and put whatever spin you want on whatever you are thinking and anything anyone else says to you.

I got really angry at my T one week, really really angry, because I asked a worried question and she replied with, "Not if you do things the way you normally do!" I took that as a put-down, that I "normally" foul things up? But then I thought about my T's character, and her and my relationship, and the whole conversation and why she might have said what she said.

After about 72 hours of intense thought, I realized that my analogy would be that we were in a raft together, in the rapids going down the river and she'd seen an ugly rock and yelled, "Watch out!" Remember, you T cannot "do" anything, all the action is from you. All your T can do is try to point out places where you might be stuck or having trouble or need help seeing?

I don't see the example you gave as being triggered. There's nothing else there that was tripping you up, it was just your T looking one way when you wished they'd look the other. That isn't really anything I would get angry about, either; if you would like your T to point out more good things, tell them to do that but, as I said, I don't think you have trouble with good things (other than with trying to sabotage yourself by worrying about when they might end instead of enjoying them and/or if you're worried, not looking at it and then getting unhappy with your T for doing so when you are the one who brought it up?).

But I think it is a great topic of conversation to have with your T, how you'd like to feel he was more "with" you in the good times? But then, you would need to catch yourself changing the focus of conversation to "what if it goes bad?"?

[kaliope]

mcl
i think triggered by T is when T says or does something that brings up strong feelings/memories from our pasts that we end up having an emotional reaction to.

my T and I had had a misunderstanding that caused difficulty for me. in the next session he apologized and gestured putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger with his hand as a way to emphasize (poorly) how badly he felt for his mistake the week before. this triggered me. i kept seeing this in my mind again and again, flashing back to the times I have had a gun to my own head, had me thinking about going to buy a gun, all kinds of crazy for me. he felt really bad after that. now he says he is afraid to say/gesture anything for fear of triggering me.

[neither21]

I think one of the goals in therapy is to realize the "self" and the "other." So just as you are learning about your own individual, unique place in the world, you are learning about your therapist's own individual, unique place in the world. And when this happens, there are times where you will disagree/butt heads/do things differently from the other.

This is going to happen with everyone you meet.

All you can do is tell them how you feel. They don't have to change if they don't want to, and it's not healthy to try to "fix people" to be how we want them to be. I think asserting your feelings and not running from your therapist could be very helpful. The courage to realize WOW, this person has helped me a lot in some ways, but in other ways, they haven't, and I can accept that, because the world isnt so black or white.