[mcl6136]

All,

Hope this doesn't trigger anyone's BAD SESSION buttons....But some brilliant poster (watersedge?) posted something about CBT a while back and it totally floated my boat!

I loved the analogy of *certain* therapeutic strategies being like whacking a pup with a rolled-up newspaper. It may stop the behavior but what has it really accomplished?

This is a big part of what went wrong with my cold, distant T, who I had seen for just shy of a year before deciding to quit. Many of our ruptures were about instances in which I felt shamed (whacked with paper). Okay, I know I brought lots of baggage to the process (whole steamer trunks, we're talking! ) however, there were so many instances of being shamed and judged for example, being told:
*Your mind works much differently
*You don't want to be inside your feelings (really?)
*Your background makes that much harder
*You're afraid of getting closer (Ya think?)

I could go on, but overall, I feel like I was rapped with the rolled-up newspaper again and again by an unfeeling person and then asked to OPEN UP. Nothing inside really changed...except I built enough resentment to quit. My T was a psychodynamic expert (his description) but I don't know what that really means apart from offering negative comments about someone and then asking them to "open up."

Now I'm looking for a new T. I'm scared! I don't know what orientation would suit me better. I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful pscychodynamic Ts. Just wondering. Do others struggle with feeling shamed? You may respond with the comment that those statements (above) don't sound particularly shaming, but you weren't in the sessions with me, and didn't see this dude's postures, and looks of complete contempt or watch him turn his back to his desk at the end of some very difficult sessions). Basically, I do feel like the pup, and I know these are issues for me to work on but gack....it would be easier with someone who demonstrated some regard or caring or, gasp, encouragement. I'm not looking to be coddled, and want to explore some difficult terrain, but there was absolutely NO warmth portrayed ever, and that was really tough to take (and pay for!) Thanks for listening to my rant. Any advice for finding someone new?

[Sannah]

Hi Mc, sounds like your previous T only wanted to do therapy with the thoughts and not the feelings? Sounds like you needed to work on this feeling shamed first before moving on with his agenda. Did you ever tell him how his approach was making you feel?

And I love the inner puppy!

It sounds like his personality was not a good fit for you, that you need someone warmer and more caring. I'm not familiar with the different types of therapies as my T uses whatever fits in any given situation, but maybe it comes down to personality more than type of therapy used? What about setting up some one-time appts with likely candidates for an "interview" session? I know some T's are happy to do this. You can search for T's online and many have their pictures posted. Then you could decide if you wanted to continue with that person or check out some others. It might take a while, but seems like it would be worth it in the long run to find someone you are comfortable with. If/when my present T retires, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

[Perna]

I think a lot (most) of what is said to us, how it is taken by us can be a function of our own background and perceptions. I did not find anything shaming or particularly negative about your T's perceptions of you and your particular situation.

My T once had me explore the feeling, "humiliation" and that week I had a boss publicly humiliate me at work. In exploring just what humiliation was for me, I discovered that my boss was making fun of difficulties I was working on but was sensitive about (not speaking clearly"making sense" when I am anxious or excited). I had actually been trying to help him on a project, had volunteered rather than been asked for my help, so I decided that since he was not appreciative, did not seem to wish to notice and help me with my difficulties in speaking, did not have the patience and faith in me to hear me out, that I would no longer volunteer to help him, would try to "avoid" him when I could and, next time he spoke to me disrespectfully, I would tell him I would not tolerate being spoken to in that fashion and if he ever did it again, that I would quit.

How we feel about anything someone else says, is always about us. I use the idiot "your mother wears combat boots" comment to remember that who we are and what our individual circumstances and background might be are what determine how we feel about that statement. If someone said those words to me, I would shrug. Why? They don't apply to me!

If I don't shrug at a comment; that means it applies to me in some way and I want to be intensely curious to know how!

"Your mind works much differently". Doesn't that make you curious at all to see what the other person sees? How they feel your mind is different? "Much differently from who or what?" is what I'd want to ask the speaker. If I felt I were judged by the comment, I'd wonder why I had given the other person the power to judge me. No other person's comment to me in my world is automatically correct. My life is my world and I'm the only person, the only authority, judge, jury; I am in charge of this world.

I think you want a T that appears warm to you? I would search for one of them. I don't think their orientation is as important as how you feel when with them. My T once commented, "Ah, you're stubborn!" and I thought, "she can't say that!" But I was/am stubborn! (I prefer to think of it as being "tenacious") Having strong feelings about what is said to me, about me, other people's opinions of me and my life have taught me to first stop and look inside to see if what is said is true or not. If it is not true, I shrug; if it is true, I explore it to maybe learn more about myself from someone who can "see" me from the outside. I don't have to act on what they say, believe their beliefs; I just have to listen and ask questions and see if I can learn anything that I find useful for myself.

[Omers]

Shaming or not all of those are very confrontational statements. T needs to take a language course!

My 2 pieces of advice...

1. remember T is YOUR employee... interview them, make them work for the job. If they don't want it move on.

2. look up some different therapeutic approaches and see what feels like it will fit. You should be able to google it. Not all types of therapy are for all people.

As I am sure many here know I am pretty anti-psychoanylitic/psychodynamic unless you are the "worried well" with time and money to waste... But it works for some. I prefer the newer schools of thought.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Omers

Shaming or not all of those are very confrontational statements. T needs to take a language course!

My 2 pieces of advice...

1. remember T is YOUR employee... interview them, make them work for the job. If they don't want it move on.

2. look up some different therapeutic approaches and see what feels like it will fit. You should be able to google it. Not all types of therapy are for all people.

As I am sure many here know I am pretty anti-psychoanylitic/psychodynamic unless you are the "worried well" with time and money to waste... But it works for some. I prefer the newer schools of thought.

The statements are confrontational and labeling, and they were part and parcel of a therapy that included things like T unbuttoning his shirt -- to test whether I would react to that, and other instances of really outlandish behavior. When I brought up how these instances felt to me, T turned around and faced his desk. Ack! So much for dialog! In the end, I decided that this relationship would teach me to fortify myself against odd comments, behavior and techniques....not the lessons that I arrived to glean. Sure, some "therapy" happened but is that really growth? I get the whole thing about things being reflected through our filters, our backgrounds, and all of that, but really, there is a limit to what a client should tolerate ...to the tune of $150!

[Omers]

Yeh, I'd be after his license for that s*.