[googley]

So I was talking to my T last session and she mentioned that it is really hard to read me because I keep things so closed off. I learned as a kid to keep everything I was feeling hidden. That showing any emotion just got me in trouble. I would get yelled at and abused. So I am very very good at it. But I know it isn't healthy. I know I need to be able to share my feelings with other safe people (like my T). But it is so strong I have a really hard time. I am either totally closed off or totally open and totally vulnerable and feels totally dangerous. I guess I need to learn how to do it at different levels.

Have anyone had this problem, how did you deal with it. I want to be able to communicate better with my T. But I think this limits my ability to do that. My dad said when I was a kid I could be very expressive with my face. So I have the ability. But now I just get overwhelmed and shut down when things get too intense. I guess there are two parts. The part about hiding what I am feeling and then being able to share when things get overwhelming.

How do others deal with this?

Thanks

[Jazz91]

Would you feel more comefortable if it were written on paper then you are not showing vulnerability.

or perhaps putting in a third person scenario Eg i have this friend with this problem how should they fix or solve their problem

you do not need to show emotion to seek help

perhap i shoud tell this to my t of which i am having a similar drama

[SilentLucidity]

Your are not alone. I feel like I'm in the same boat with my T. When I get overwhelmed I compensate with humor so people think I'm happy even though I am as far from it as possibly imaginable. I know T sees through it, but hasn't called me on it, YET, and I am getting tired of being frustrated with myself because I feel like sometimes my sessions are not as productive as I would like. Just this morning I decided that I didn't care anymore and I will be writing T a letter this weekend. I already have an outline of everything I want to get out of my head, but haven't had the courage to say. I'm not sure if I will email it the day before my session or just email T to let her know I am bringing something to read. I don't know. I may hate every minute of it. However, I have to try something different.

[Raindropvampire]

I also shutdown. My way of dealing with it in therapy was to ask my T to "call" me on it when I shut down. It did cause us to have some spats because even though I told her to do it I would still get ticked sometimes. I also tried to be more self aware and if I felt myself shutting down I fought it. Hope that helps some

[skysblue]

I think you've made a good first step by even being aware of your feelings. Speaking for myself, I wear a mask that even hides myself from myself.

So, when you're aware of some feelings, maybe tell T "I'm experiencing some feelings but I don't know if I can share them yet. Is it o.k. if I just alert you to this fact and then maybe sometime I'll be able to take the next step?"

Originally Posted by googley

But now I just get overwhelmed and shut down when things get too intense. I guess there are two parts. The part about hiding what I am feeling and then being able to share when things get overwhelming.

How do others deal with this?

This is SO familiar to me. When things get too intense, I tend to either completely shut down emotionally or to "disappear" into my head.

T has taught me (over and over again) that every time I feel the feelings I am learning to tolerate them a little bit more. So, things get intense, I feel that for a split second, and I disappear and we spend 10 minutes getting me grounded. Wow, it feels like the HUGEST "waste of time"...but having gone through the process over and over again, I *do* see that it helped me learn that I could survive the feelings, and it has made me a little bit braver about talking when I feel like that. And then the more I talk when I'm feeling like that, the more I see I can survive. It has been a SLOW process, and it feels like we start it over again (and again and again) when there's a break, when something new comes up, etc. etc.

It's trickier when I'm hiding my feelings, because I'm hiding them from me too. It's like i'm sitting there, totally numb, and like I've never felt anything before. VERY much a childhood defense. I do think awareness is the first step. If I have enough "numb" sessions in a row, it starts to give me anxiety (hey! a feeling!) and I tell that to T, and we wonder where the anxiety is coming from, and I realize it's because I'm avoiding something and usually we start the process up there in the paragraph before this one.

As much as I want to "get it over with", therapy is a SLOW process for me. My defenses - dissociating and numbing out - helped me survive while I was a child. I don't *need* them to survive anymore, but I think some primitive part of me believes that I still DO need them and it's hard not to believe that part.

Each little baby step counts, though. And realizing what you're doing and wanting to change it is MUCH bigger than a baby step, googley. You are doing good work

[elliemay]

perhaps there is something that you do feel safe connecting with and expressing emotion about.

For instance, my therapist noted early on in therapy how I could relate some horrific things basically in the same voice I would use to order a hamburger.

However, when I talked about the loss of a beloved animal, the emotions were "safe" and freely expressed.

We used that "in" to my emotions to demonstrate that I could feel emotion, deep profound emotion, and it didn't completely derail me.

I think it's all about gaining little bits of confidence along the way. Just acquiring little bits of skill and little realizations. I certainly didn't go from numbness to total feeling in one day (and I would NOT recommend that).

Ease yourself into it. When you finally get there, yes it will be big, but you can absorb it.

[hopefultoday]

I am the same way. I hide my emotions so far down and that's not healthy. My T said I even need to just start by recognizing my emotions and try to be aware of how my body feels when I experience these. It was never safe to feel my emotions and I never expressed them. Keep working on it. It won't happen overnight.

[dismantle.repair]

Mine has told me multiple times that I'm 'difficult to elicit information from'.
It's because I hate talking about myself, I hate sounding vulnerable and weak.. Hence... it took me so long to open up, and I still really haven't.

<<<googley>>>
I hope it works out.

[Sannah]

I'll bet it will be a gradual process (like Tree described). This is good that you made this plan after hearing your T's comment. I know you will find a way to travel down this path. Just being aware for a few times of a feeling is good. Gradually you will be able to think about it a bit in session and then maybe more thoughts and feelings about it will surface. And then you will be able to talk about it.

[googley]

I have been trying to do this for YEARS. It feels pointless sometimes. Its like the only time the emotions come out is when the dam breaks. And then I can't stop it.

I am trying to connect with the emotions. It is really hard. I wish this was all easier. I don't know how I'm going to succeed with this.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by googley

I have been trying to do this for YEARS. It feels pointless sometimes. Its like the only time the emotions come out is when the dam breaks. And then I can't stop it.

I am trying to connect with the emotions. It is really hard. I wish this was all easier. I don't know how I'm going to succeed with this.

I can so relate. But for me I hadn't even known that i had so many emotions. And at the beginning of therapy I thought I was going crazy because I didn't know what was going on and where and what all these emotions were.

I'd say to not try so hard and also not resist too much - a fine balance. And sometimes it's not going to feel good and you may begin to feel crazy like I did. But it's worth it. Slowly but surely it becomes easier and easier to manage and contain and regulate the emotions. I'm not saying I have it down yet but I see progress. Just relax and let be what will be. If you're not able to access your emotions yet, accept it with as much equanimity as possible. If the dam breaks, notice the overwhelming emotions while at the same time, know that they will pass. Good luck

[wintergirl]

I have a lot of trouble with this, too. I told my T something kind of awful, and I smiled the whole time I was saying it. He looked at me and said, "When I've heard that from other patients in my office, they are crying when they say it."

I think it's my reaction to being nervous (I get more smiley and jovial), and it's partly a way to not show how terrible I feel inside.

Anyway... I'm glad you brought up the question, although I don't have any helpful advice for you!

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by googley

I have been trying to do this for YEARS. It feels pointless sometimes. Its like the only time the emotions come out is when the dam breaks. And then I can't stop it.

I am trying to connect with the emotions. It is really hard. I wish this was all easier. I don't know how I'm going to succeed with this.

yeah i feel the same way as you do. i've been in therapy for almost 4 years, and i can't even talk about (STILL) how i shut down completely the second i walk into the building. ALl my nerve goes away. But just thinking about talking about that makes me nervous

Originally Posted by wintergirl

I have a lot of trouble with this, too. I told my T something kind of awful, and I smiled the whole time I was saying it. He looked at me and said, "When I've heard that from other patients in my office, they are crying when they say it."

I think it's my reaction to being nervous (I get more smiley and jovial), and it's partly a way to not show how terrible I feel inside.

Anyway... I'm glad you brought up the question, although I don't have any helpful advice for you!

i get all smiley when i'm nervous too. my shrink has pointed out countless times, "You're smiling right now, why is that?" I am not even aware i'm doing it.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by wintergirl

I smiled the whole time I was saying it.

I think it's my reaction to being nervous (I get more smiley and jovial), and it's partly a way to not show how terrible I feel inside.

Yeah, my somatic T pointed out to me that I use my smile as a mask to hide behind sometimes. I hadn't realized that before so it was good information for me.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by googley

So I was talking to my T last session and she mentioned that it is really hard to read me because I keep things so closed off. I learned as a kid to keep everything I was feeling hidden. That showing any emotion just got me in trouble.

I think the reason we don't realize even our own feelings is because as children we could not keep our emotions and thoughts to ourselves -- we might by mistake let them "leak" out and thus get punished. So it was safer for us to not even know what they were. At least, this is the explanation I have come up with for myself.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by googley

I have been trying to do this for YEARS. It feels pointless sometimes. Its like the only time the emotions come out is when the dam breaks. And then I can't stop it.

I am trying to connect with the emotions. It is really hard. I wish this was all easier. I don't know how I'm going to succeed with this.

Googley, you have made so much progress these last few months now that you have this therapist. You are making leaps and bounds accepting your issues and starting to tackle them. You will do better now with this, I just know it. Will it be easy?, probably not, but you will be able to do it.

[popeye]

My first T had me write a paper about how I feel. He told me it gave him very much needed info that we had mot talked about. It is mandatory that you be honest with your T and Pdoc. Otherwise they can't help you. I am a former substance abuse counselor and a former Psychiatric Nurse. I could only help the patients that were honest with me. It can be very hard but you must do it to get better.

[googley]

Thank you all for your support. I knew you would understand how hard this is for me.

Originally Posted by popeye

It is mandatory that you be honest with your T and Pdoc. Otherwise they can't help you. I could only help the patients that were honest with me. It can be very hard but you must do it to get better.

You seem to assume a lot about my relationship with my T given that you are new to PC and hence unless you have gone back and read my posts seem to be assuming that I am not trying in T. That I am not trying to tell my T about how I am feeling.

There are three issues here for me:
1) I have very big trust issues. I went through a very long period in my life where I didn't trust ANYONE! The emotional abuse I went through growing up taught me that trusting someone was the quickest way to be hurt. So every little bit of information I share with my T is a big step for me. My T recognizes this and is supportive. The emotional abuse also makes it very easy for me to turn anything around and see it as a negative. It is hard for me to even say when I am scared.

2) I learned growing up that I was not able to show much less share my emotions. It was dangerous to do that. So instead I shut them down. It was the only way I could survive. To not care what was said, and in turn to not feel it was the only way I could make it through. This means it is very hard to recognize my emotions. It used to be weeks before I could recognize that something someone had done upset me. I am better at it now and it is down to a range of immediately (not that often) to a couple of days. We are working on this to. And then working on what I should do when I recognize the emotion at the time. As that is such a new experience.

3) The mask is an automatic response, you make it sound like I am purposefully hiding my feelings. It isn't something that I do on purpose. I would like to just be able to throw off the mask and be done with it. But it isn't that easy. It comes off in layers like an onion. I work very hard at being able to feel what I am feeling and share it with my T. While I am very good at reading other people, I still have trouble reading myself.

Your post comes across as very judgmental. That I'm just not trying hard enough. That isn't the case. And if you knew me better you would know this. I was posting about what I am having trouble with and looking for support, not looking for someone to criticize me for not being as strong as they are.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by googley

. I learned as a kid to keep everything I was feeling hidden. That showing any emotion just got me in trouble.

And then they get so hidden that you don't even know they're there anymore. That's what had happened to me. The mask became part of me and I didn't even know I had a mask on.

I've asked T about this when I have a delayed emotional reaction to something that happens in session. For example, one time she told me that she was going on vacation and asked me how I felt about that. I honestly thought I'd be fine and told her that. It was only after getting home that a wave of fear coursed through my body. Amazing that I didn't feel it when I was told about it. At least, though, I had progressed enough to know that I felt fear. Probably a few months ago I would have felt some unease, would have tried to ignore it and would not have even known how badly I felt.

So, I asked T how I could at least know my emotions sooner instead of later and she now has me working with mindfulness and body awareness.

But, yes, I do understand your struggle.