[Wren_]

Have you ever been angry with your therapist and let them know this? how did they react? was it safe to share it with them

[granite1]

awsome question tiger i want to know this also

[SoupDragon]

I haven't but my T always tries to encourage me to express how I may feel about him. T said they may draw the line and conclude that we are not working well together if I went in week after week angry and shouting and obviously physical aggression is a definite no no.

In our six years together, there has only been one instance when I was angry with my T. It was a disagreement about how he was handling my husband while he was in crisis. T knew I wasn't happy with him. I actually didn't have to say anything to him about it. He called me unsolicited, acknowledged my anger with him, and said we'd just have to agree to disagree about the situation which was exactly the right thing to say. He didn't apologize, and had no reason to; he was acting in his best professional judgement and was rightfully standing by his actions. I wasn't looking for an apology; I was really just very, very stressed and was lashing out at the nearest, safest target -- my T. He knew that. That was it. End of the problem. Not a huge big deal.

I think we do need to realize that many times when we are "angry" at our T's, we are really more angry with ourselves or our situation, that our anger is much more about our own issues than anything our T has actually done, and our T is just our punching bag. I always try to keep that in mind in dealing with my anger, not just with my T but in my personal and professional life also. But our T's see right through all of our defenses and fears; they can handle it. That's just part of the job.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Yes, I have been angry with my T and with certain things she has said, but like farmergirl said, I later came to realize that almost all of it was related to negative transference. I used to have a hard time talking about it but now I just say, "I am angry and I would like to figure out why."

[ECHOES]

Yes. Once, in the first year of therapy, and when I was still deep in the intense desire to receive 'mothering', my therapist told me several weeks in advance that she would be away and that she wasn't sure of the exact dates. It turned out that her daughter was having a baby, the first grandchild. I think she was even trying to find a way to not tell me at all, but she did tell me because it explained why she didn't know the exact dates or how long she might be away. I was really angry when she told me and my anger increased as I thought about her not saying anything at all until the very last minute. In her defense, I was open about not wanting to know personal things about her. But.. this was different. We talked about it many times and at one point she said she had thought about it and that she decided it was 'bad form' to tell me so abruptly and so last minute.

That was a big one. There have been others, including once when I just felt like she was not hearing me or listening to me. Or when I had to change my regular time because she had scheduled someone else that week. Someone who, as it turned out, needed an emergency appointment. And I have had emergency sessions. And I only had to change this session time to a different hour.. I accused her of giving away 'my' time, as if her schedule is 'mine'. oy

We are currently exploring anger that is there but that I keep nicey-nice. I worry about anger being or erupting 'too much'. And I worry about her reaction. We've talked about this too, and when I told her that I worry about her reaction and that I couldn't imagine imagine anger in there where being talked about in the nice and safe way that we talk. She just asked me if I had never been angry in there. Umm, well, oh boy, and I had to admit 'yes' and she asked "So don't I talk about it in a nice and safe way?" And she most certainly does. She was telling me that she can handle it, it's okay.

So those are some of my experiences.

[delicatefade26]

ohh this is the perfect topic for me right now-I want to hear what others have to say about this before my session on Monday. I am holding onto to some pretty serious anger right now b/c I feel like he is too busy for me-and won't schedule me for a set day/time-and also for a comment he made about me "really hanging out" after I hugged him longer than normal at the end of last session after I had a very emotional session...it hurt my feelings and made me feel like it was wrong for hugging him like that. There are a few others things too that have built up and I know I need to express this to him-but I also know that I have so much stuff I need to talk about that has happened since we didn't get to meet this week...and I don't want the whole session to be about my anger towards him...

Anger is a sign of a working relationship. Anger cannot exist in a bubble. It is the opposite of very strong positive emotions. If you can talk about this with your therapist it will be very enlightening.

[Omers]

YES!
I spent 2 years being angry at a T and telling her I hated her. Obviously she didn't go anywhere. We have now been friends for about 17 years.

I got angry at another T and I don't like how she handled it (because of her training) but she was never mean, never angry back and never fired me.

Got angry at a third T. Don't think she thought I was capable of anger so she just got all confused.

Current T I KNOW could handle my anger... She would laugh (lovingly) and be sure to give me a great big, warm, loving hug at the end of the session... especially if I was still fuming. But... her I am too afraid to get mad at... she might eat me

[elliemay]

Of course I have been angry with my therapist. Some of the times we realized it was not about him at all, other times we both agreed that I was just outright mad.

I think the best thing you can do is to honestly express how you feel about his/her actions. There is no need to be confrontational about it all, simply say that "it made me angry when you said/did XXXX".

They should apologize and then you guys get to talk about it. They key then is to forgive, and carry on.

There are two people in that room, and there are going to be misunderstandings, disappointments, upsets and mistakes. It part and parcel of any relationship.

It doesn't have to derail anything, but it does require a certain amount of allowing the anger to exist and "absorbing" it.

Look at the relationship as a whole, I think you will find that the good overwhelmingly outweighs the bad.

It's worth not letting something fester into something much bigger than it actually is.

I've had this conversation in session a couple of times with T:

T: "Where did you go?"

A: "I am talking to my transference. And looking around for sharp objects to plunge between your eyes."

T: "Yes, and what are you saying to your transference?"

A: "Now that you're here, transference, just F*** off."

Anne

[stopdog]

I am rarely not mad at one of my two ts. I think she never admits to being wrong and refuses to explain anythning.

[scorpiosis37]

I haven't been angry with my T, but I have felt hurt by her. Namely, I felt hurt by the way she handled a particular situation. So, the next week, I wrote her a letter explaining why the way she handled things hurt my feelings, and how I wish she would have handled things differently. After reading the letter, T told me she had no idea that was how I felt. She told me the reason she handled things the way she did was becasue she made an assumption that she now realizes was incorrect. She apologized to me, and thanked me for bringing it up. I told her an apology wasn't necessary-- I just wanted her to know how I felt, and I was very glad her reaction was the result of a misunderstanding on her part. After having that conversation and getting everything out in the open, T and I both felt closer to one another and it proved that our relationship could handle hurt feelings or disagreements. As long as we are honest with one another and approach one another respectfully, I believe we can handle anything that comes our way. So, for those who are considering expressing anger, hurt feelings, or other conflicts with your T-- I highly recommend it. If you have a good T, they will be glad that you shared and you will both feel better afterwards!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Have you ever been angry with your therapist and let them know this? how did they react? was it safe to share it with them

yes I have. first she lets me rant and rave at her about what ever Im angry at then she usually says - Thank you for telling me you are angry with me? would you like to talk about it?

and we do. we work out the problem together..

thats what shes there for right - to help me with my problems - it just happens at that moment the problem is with her LOL

and yea I told her that one time and her reaction was -

Damn straight! with a smile.

[skysblue]

Oh yes, when I became aware that I was becoming dependent on her, it made me mad. Boy, did I light into her. I've mentioned that conversation on this site before. I said, "how dare you let me get this way? You should have known better. You could have headed it off." And I ranted and raved for quite a few minutes and at the end I said, "And so what do you have to say for yourself?"

She was great. Cool and calm and very understanding of my distress. She's great. Didn't I already tell everyone she's my perfect T and I won't share her with you. (even with our ruptures)

[rainbow8]

I used to get angry with my former T. I'd slam her door when I left after my session. Once I read a whole page of reasons I was angry with her but she didn't really want to discuss them.

I got angry with my current T and that's when I scribbled all over her drawing and went on to cover another page with my angry scribbles with red crayon. Then we talked about it. Mostly I don't talk about my anger though. It's just there, and probably not about her as much as about my life in general.

[roadtrip]

At first I didn't recognize my own anger and T has helped me to recognize the feeling. Now T probably regrets it because I have let him know I am angry at him many times.

I don't yell or express it though physical behavior so much as talk about it though. He is great because he will apolagize if he thinks he did something wrong. If we just disagree he respects my anger yet we disagree. It is nice that I can be angry at him and we can still work together as that was a forbidden emotion growing up. It makes me feel safer and trust him more knowing that our relationship is strong enough to show lots of different stuff.

I think just like any other relationship we have with folks we are going to get angry and it helps to discuss it so it doesn't grow into some confusing mess that could have been prevented.

[Wren_]

thanks ... it's been interesting (and helpful) reading through peoples experiences with anger and their therapists ... from reading this it seems that many therapists would use it as part of the therapy and instead of taking offense instead look further into it and use it to help their client more

***

granite, thanks ... it always helps knowing i'm not alone with a question when I ask them, I hope the responses helped you

soup, that makes sense to have a line drawn if necessary but good to know you are encourage to express

farmergirl, what you describe sounds like what a T perhaps "should do" ... as far as being able to see through defenses and fears, and to be able to handle it ... i always appreciate reading about your T who sounds extremely professional and good (even in those times you may not agree with him)

butterflies; if you say that about anger now, does your T help you to work it out?

echoes, i remember you sharing about your T's grandchild being born things like that and not being heard would be difficult for me also ... do you feel reassured by her saying she can handle your anger now? or still worrying?

delicatefade, i hope it goes really well for you on monday; and that you are able to look at and deal with the anger safely and well (and get some other things looked at as well since that's y our preference)

thanks earthmamma, it was ... extremely enlightening

omers, eat you?

thanks elliemay, the way you described how it should work sounds positive, i wish it always did work like that, where things are worked out between two people but also where one remembers they are the therapist

[Wren_]

A: "Now that you're here, transference, just F*** off."

anne, does it listen when you say that?

stopdog, have you mentioned your anger with that T?

scorpiosis, that's great it worked so well when you shared your hurt with your T, and that the two of you were then able to work through that together and that she made it safe to be honest with her about what you felt

amandalouise, i love the damn straight reaction

sky, it's ok i know you won't share her i'm glad she handled your anger so well

rainbow, how did you respond when that T didn't discuss what you wrote with you? with your current T do you share the anger you have in general or try to avoid talking about anger altogether most of the time?

roadtrip, that sounds really positive that your T is helping you to know it's ok to talk about anger and to be angry and that by doing that it prevents confusion

[stopdog]

I do tell her I am angry almost weekly. It does not matter or help. Sometimes I think we are not in the same room when we recall events. I have taken to taping appointments so I have evidence that my recall is correct

[ECHOES]

echoes, i remember you sharing about your T's grandchild being born things like that and not being heard would be difficult for me also ... do you feel reassured by her saying she can handle your anger now? or still worrying?

I do feel reassured. We had talked about it many times, and the last time it stuck. When I said I didn't think my anger would 'fit' into the room because it might be too big, and that it wouldn't 'fit' into the room because I couldn't imagine her being able to respond in the gentle and nice way that she does, she reminded me of times that I had been angry (although we didn't dwell on naming it as anger, we focused on how our perceptions differed) and she asked "Didn't I talk nicely about it then?" And she did, she responded with the same acceptance as she always does.

Do I still worry? Yeah, and I'm still not very spontaneous but I'm working on that and I am sure that the fear of spontaneous anger (rather than talking the next session about something from the previous session) is one thing keeping me from the spontaneity that I wish for.

[Wren_]

stopdog, Do you find it is correct when you listen to them?

thanks echoes; i could feel something of the shift you are going through as far as reassurance reading what you wrote just now fear really does seem to get in the way much too much doesn't it ... what would spontaneity look like in this, just reacting right away to what she says or does, or something different

[delicatefade26]

Now that my session is getting close (tomorrow) I'm scared that I won't be able to express my anger-that I will "let it go" once I'm in front of him and not be able to tell him that I'm soo angry and annoyed with him...I can feel and think these things out of session very intensely and then once in front of him I sometimes blank on it or it seems to dissipate-and then I end up frustrated even more afterwards...I think part of it is needing to know that no matter what I say or how I express it-he will be able to handle it...even if I were to yell...since I never have I'm not sure...I guess I have to have faith that he will...and I could also use some pocket riders tomorrow <---Hopefully this is what my pocket will look like tomorrow!!

[Wren_]

i'll ride with you tomorrow i wonder if letting him know you are angry, but also scared to share that anger and need to know if he can handle it .... would help to talk about first with him?

[delicatefade26]

Thank you so much tigergirl!! That makes it feel a lot easier and safer-to be honest with him that I am angry...because I could picture myself (b/c I do this in RL) giving him an attitude or "blocking" instead of just being up front about why I am angry..and that is not fair to me or him...that is a game that I used to play-but I don't want to anymore!
thanks again tiger : ) you get dips on a good spot-no squishing for you!

Also-are you trying to decide how to express anger with your T too? I'm assuming there is something that brought this topic up for ya? ; )