[rainbow8]

Sorry this is so long and rambling....

I feel connected to my T and I feel very good about my session on Tuesday. I emailed her once to thank her for making it easy to talk in the session and to tell her I thought we were getting somewhere with those issues, and a second time to tell her about going to the lake again yesterday, this time with my H. They were both long, positive emails. In the second one I wrote that I was going to ask if she had the book In Session in case it's picked for the book discussion group. I also wrote about being terrified when my grandson fell down my stairs yesterday. He's fine--he sort of rolled down about 10 carpeted stairs and I couldn't stop him. I thought for sure he'd be terribly hurt!!!

My T emailed me this morning but I just had a chance to read it now. I feel depressed after reading her email even though I'm used to her emails by now. I told her last session that I was upset by the email from last week for the same reason. I KNOW what she will write or won't write and it still makes me angry!

What she wrote is that she's glad I'm enjoying the lake, she doesn't have the book In Session, and something about my grandson being okay. Not ONE WORD about the session. She also said the book discussion group sounded like a good idea!

That's her rule since way back after we had the problems when I wanted too many answers and she decided she couldn't answer more than one email. She also said she won't do therapy via email. But I haven't gotten "over" that hurt yet. I hate that she won't even mention that it was a productive session or that she's glad I feel so comfortable with her. She used to write a sentence like that.

I know one solution is for me not to send emails at all. But I want to tell her how I am after the session, and if I do something she'd like. She's okay with my sending them to her. But how can I stop feeling so disappointed, I think that's the best feeling word, about her responses? I could ask her not to respond at all but I don't know if I want to do that. I need some kind of connection with her during the week.

Maybe it's that I think if she doesn't comment on the session it didn't really happen the way it did? I need her validation that it was productive, connected, and I did "good"? She did tell me at the end of the session to tell my parts I'm grateful to them, which she always says. Or she said to pat myself on the back. She KNOWS it was hard for me but I did good work.

Other Ts will comment on what you email. My T purposely will comment on anything that doesn't have to do with the session. Would that be frustrating to you? If I hadn't written the second email, she would just have written to enjoy the beautiful weather and my week-end. I should be happy she comments on what I write at all. But I KNOW she's picking out the positive things because she told me. It just bothers me a lot!!

I know it's for my own good and it's her way of helping me. Then why am I protesting so much? OH, is it because it's not about my relationship with her, it's about my RL? Well, I solved it, didn't I? Is that it, do you think? Or, also my need to relive the session, or both reasons? I just thought of another reason. When I read her email, those feelings about her start happening and I get stirred up. That reason makes the most sense. I'm SO glad we're getting to the nitty gritty of this issue because it's crucial to my healing!!!

[vaffla]

I just sent you a private message. I hope you will find it helpful.

If I understand correctly, you are disappointed that your T does not do exactly what she told you she wouldn't do?

You don't really expect to get what she has directly told her that she won't give you?

Don't get me wrong, I have wanted similar irrational things from my T (and other people). It is upsetting to not get what you want even if someone else's T would give you what you want and even if you think that you deserve to have her suspend her own professional boundary to give you what you want.

You are lucky that she says no to you. Now you can talk about why that upsets you.

Anne

[Wren_]

((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))))))) yes, I'd be frustrated also ... even knowing that she won't do something, you still want her to ... and at some level are making that want into a need so when it doesn't get met, it hurts and hurts a lot. Also, that comparison to other T's is floating around dangling in front of you and distracting possibly from other things I'm glad your grandson is ok

[Butterflies Are Free]

I can see where you might be frustrated. One way to look at it is at least you can communicate with your T through emails. Many Ts don't use email with their clients as a source of communication at all. I would still talk to her about it when you see her next.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know it's for my own good and it's her way of helping me. Then why am I protesting so much? OH, is it because it's not about my relationship with her, it's about my RL? Well, I solved it, didn't I? Is that it, do you think? Or, also my need to relive the session, or both reasons? I just thought of another reason. When I read her email, those feelings about her start happening and I get stirred up. That reason makes the most sense. I'm SO glad we're getting to the nitty gritty of this issue because it's crucial to my healing!!!

(((Rainbow))))

Even though my T and I don't e-mail, I feel as though I can relate to the way your T's e-mails are making you feel. I've felt similarly when I've sent my T a text message about something important and she's sent back a very neutral "T-like" response, rather than something "heartfelt."

I think, as you suggest, it's a combination of (1) wanting your T's response to be about your relationship with HER and not your RL (2) wanting to re-live your sessions because they are intimate and intense and gratifying and (3) wanting your next T "fix" (after all, therapy is a high). Moreover, just the promise of that unread e-mail from T in your inbox is enticing; you want it to be a loving, caring, and reassuring e-mail from your T that tells you how special you are and how special your relationship with her is. You also want to be special enough to T for her to break her own rules and say something about therapy-- you want her to think "well, this is just SO important, I HAVE to "do therapy" via e-mail this ONE time. I have to let Rainbow know how good she's doing and how imporant she is to me." At least, if I were in your shoes, that's how I would feel. The very fact that your T has set-up a boundary around her e-mails is a reminder that she's the T and you're the client, and this is a professional relationship. When such a boundary is imposed, I think there's a natural tendancy to want to push that boundary-- or have that boundary broken down by T. For T to break that boundary and "do therapy" via e-mail would be like saying "you're not just a client; you're more special than that. There may be rules for other clients, but not for you. You're different." I think perhaps that's something you want; you want your T to prove to you that you're special. At least, I know there have been times I've wanted that kind of reassurance from my T. I think it's hard any time you share something significant with T and T doesn't respond to the content right away. When we share these things with T, I think we all want (1) to know that what we shared was ok and (2) how what we shared made T feel (3) for T to re-affirm the relationship we have with each other.

For me, I've learned that whenever I text my T (maybe once a month), T will respond in a very mechanical way. She will never give me the kind of emotional depth or engagement that I want. So, it's up to me to either (1) not text T because I don't want to be disappointed by her response or (2) know that's just her texting style. It is not a reflection on me or how much she cares about me. That's just the way she texts/writes... and I assume she texts everyone that way. I even assume that's how she texts her family (even if I'm wrong; it just helps me to think that way). However, once I get to session, I know she will be the caring, engaging and expressive T that I love, and I can repeat or bring up anything I feel she didn't address via text. Sometimes I even joke with her like: "hey T, your response sounded kind of like a psych textbook" or "hey T, what's up with the grandma texting?" When I phrase it like that, she tends to appreciate the sense of humor.

[emptyspace]

In short, its about boundaries, emeshment, respect or lack of it, and the fact that she is a therapist and you are a client.

Read your statements about trying to get more from her and your anger at her for setting a boundary. You are trying to break her boundaries purposely... what type of relationship pattern could that represent?

[rainbow8]

I'll respond more in a while but for those who don't know my "history" with emails and my T, I want to say that in the beginning my T did answer my emails in detail, and she did comment on my sessions. I didn't email that much, either. Maybe twice/week. Then something happened, I got triggered, and I emailed her too much. I think it was related to my reaction to one of my threads on this forum, if I remember correctly. That's when she changed her boundary and said she would only respond once per week no matter how much I emailed her because it wasn't good for either of us.

[Wren_]

(((((((((((rainbow))))))))))))) from what you wrote in the last post, it seems like she changed the boundaries to protect you and to let you be in a safe place with her when she "does therapy" with you ... i know that may not make it easier with the emails, but it sounds filled with such loving kindness towards you

[granite1]

rain so much pain i really have no idea how i can help or what i could possibly say to help.i am sure your T will be able to help but i just want to give big hugs and say you are a beautiful person and deserving of so much

[rainbow8]

I emailed my T and told her we have to discuss emails again, that maybe I shouldn't send them or maybe I should be allowed to send them but she shouldn't answer them. Then I won't be disappointed. Or maybe I need to learn to live with getting the emails I receive from her. I wrote that I was still hurt when she changed the rules and that we need to discuss that part. Also that I don't understand our relationship because she said to write about everyday stuff instead of my feelings. That was when she said not to post about my sessions here. I'm such a failure and I don't listen to her.

I wrote that I hope she's still going to like me when I act crazy, and that I know things aren't good when I start googling her and reading the same things over and over.

But the session was very productive. I'm not sorry about that at all.

[vaffla]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I emailed my T and told her we have to discuss emails again, that maybe I shouldn't send them or maybe I should be allowed to send them but she shouldn't answer them. Then I won't be disappointed. Or maybe I need to learn to live with getting the emails I receive from her. I wrote that I was still hurt when she changed the rules and that we need to discuss that part. Also that I don't understand our relationship because she said to write about everyday stuff instead of my feelings. That was when she said not to post about my sessions here. I'm such a failure and I don't listen to her.

I wrote that I hope she's still going to like me when I act crazy, and that I know things aren't good when I start googling her and reading the same things over and over.

But the session was very productive. I'm not sorry about that at all.

I hope you weren't offended by my message. I just wanted to give you my perspective and didn't mean to upset you .

[rainbow8]

vaffla, no I wasn't offended. It's late and I'm tired and I got a medical report that is bothering me but I can't call the dr. until tomorrow. I will respond soon or tomorrow. I need to address the email situation with my T again. I know it bothers her too. I'm sorry about your T's Mom. I meant to respond to your thread.

[vaffla]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

vaffla, no I wasn't offended. It's late and I'm tired and I got a medical report that is bothering me but I can't call the dr. until tomorrow. I will respond soon or tomorrow. I need to address the email situation with my T again. I know it bothers her too. I'm sorry about your T's Mom. I meant to respond to your thread.

Go to sleep, everything can wait till tomorrow. And thank you!

[rainbow8]

Anne: Yes, I'm disappointed even though I don't expect to get what my T said she won't do. I know that's crazy but true. Maybe because she used to give it to me and took it away. She reconsidered.

tigergirl: Thanks for your hugs and for understanding, and for mentioning my grandson.

Butterflies: Yes, my T and I will talk about this next week. Sigh. I don't want to but we will.

Scorpiosis: I don't know how you got inside my mind but every word you wrote is exactly the way I feel!!! It's all true that I feel the way you said you would. Word for word! Yes, I want my T to prove I'm special to her though she has told me that, but I know it's in a generic way. I could quote your whole post--it's all SO true. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. I'm not sure what my T and I will decide but I don't want to have that anticipation of her email sitting there. You're right. It's my "fix" but unfortunately it doesn't FIX anything at all!

emptyspace: You're right. I HATE that she's a T and I'm a client. Absolutely true.

granite: thank you for being you, and caring about me.

vaffla: Thanks for everything!

[skysblue]

I know the feeling of wanting to be special. I want to see signs of that - like allowing session to go over or allowing emails or a myriad of different ways. It seems though that you are discussing what you write in your emails during session, right? The letters I wrote to T while I was on my journey have never been discussed. I can't even review them because she has them and I can't quite remember what I wrote. But she has never even brought them up. I would be beyond thrilled if she brought up a topic I addressed in those letters. I don't think she ever will though because I think her orientation is completely client-directed. I've considered asking her for the letters but then I might find out that she's already tossed them and I don't want to hear that.

I know this isn't helpful for you in your situation but to me the grass is greener in your field. At least you get to email T.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

But how can I stop feeling so disappointed, I think that's the best feeling word, about her responses?

Use your feeling of disappointment to look at other feelings of disappointment you have had with parents/SO's in the past! My T had me literally meditate on the word "disappointment" and, sure enough, my husband immediately disappointed me I told him I was feeling disappointed (not that he had disappointed me!) and we explored the situation and I learned a HUGE amount. My disappointment was from ways of being I'd learned from my stepmother that weren't working for me.

There's probably a pattern there in your disappointments that, if you can discover it, might help you free yourself from expectations that don't work for you and then you won't feel disappointed in those situations. Your feeling of disappointment is not about your T and her actions but about yourself and your expectations of others that you have learned (so can learn new ones).

[rainbow8]

skysblue, I'm sorry you don't have your letters. Did you think of xeroxing them before you sent them? I know you had trouble finding a mailbox on your trip, or at least I think you wrote that, so you probably didn't have xeroxing as an option. I know that doesn't help much now, though. I wonder if what Perna wrote about disappointment is worth you looking into also. I can email, yes. I'm sorry you can't, but there's something about real letters that's special.

Perna, thanks. Disappointment IS a big issue for me. I'm going to think a lot about it!

[Sannah]

Rainbow, I loved Scorpiosis' post also. Maybe if you talk about those issues with T you can move forward on this issue?

[rainbow8]

I hope so, Sannah. I think talking about my feelings is going to help a lot more than setting new rules. No matter what we decide to do, I'm going to feel hurt because there is no solution I'd be happy with right now except T going back to responding to everything in my emails. Since that's therapy via email and not an option, my only hope is that discussing it and using IFS so the part can speak her mind, will make me feel better about whatever boundaries we decide to set.

I'd like to try a little IFS right here and now. Yes, that part is disappointed with T's emails. She wants to know that T thinks the session was productive (or not as the case may be) and validates her feelings about it. She wants T to comment on her feelings after the session, and to reassure her they are all right. She wants T to be her T in the email. She wants reassurance that T cares about her and won't forget her during the week. She wants to continue feeling those feelings from the session when T gives her all the attention.

How old is this part? I never know how to answer this. Maybe 6, 7, 8 or older. She's not a baby. Maybe even a preteen or teen. She's unsure of herself and her relationships. She's insecure. She's had a lot of social disappointments, so maybe she's a teenager.

Where in your body do you feel this disappointment? I don't know. It hurts all over.

Does she know you're there? No. I feel like she IS me. T will say: Let's see if we can separate the parts out a little. She's only a PART of you. How do you feel towards her? I feel compassion because she feels so insecure and needy. What does she want from you or from me? She wants to know that you care about her and are thinking about her during the week. She wants to know that you love her. She wants to know that you won't leave her. She wants to know that what she tells you in the session is important and meaningful to you, and you won't forget it. She wants you to validate her feelings. She wants to be close to you.

Has this part felt other disappointments like with the email? Yes, when she had trouble making friends and felt left out when the other kids had their cliques, when she never had a date until she graduated High School, when she had other problems (not going to say here), and more times.

Did she get reassurance she was loved? I think she did.
Did others validate her feelings? No, her parents didn't discuss feelings.
Can you tell her that you will always be there for her and will validate her feelings and will listen to her whenever she wants? Maybe. She wants YOU to (T). Well, I can tell her that even though I don't validate her feelings in my emails that I always care about her and I don't forget her during the week. The sessions are important and she's working hard. Can she hear that? Yes.

Can you show gratitude to this part for showing up today? Okay.

Okay. My eyes were open so this is not a perfect example of IFS. I wasn't completely "with it". But, WOW. WePow--you're right. I can do therapy without my T!!!!

[dizgirl2011]

Aww Rainbow,

I understand how you feel **huge hugs** I agree that Scorpios words ring home with me also.

You have said "we haven't decided what to do" but really your therapist hasn't said she's going to change any of the rules and boundaries she has set and it's very likely she will hun.

I understand that great need to feel close, connected, wanted, special, more than just another client - I honestly 100% do and I have cried over how much I want it. But I also know that it's not going to happen and that if I want to be a good client then I have to respect my T's wishes and she will be more pleased with that than if I keep trying to push them and maybe this is what will help you also.

I know how hard it is to have the rules changed on you, esp when its down to something you did that you didn't realise would change things. There is no nice way to accept this but I don't think it will ever go back to being the way it was hun because your therapist seen how difficult that was for you, she can also see how difficult it is for you when she replies but not in the way you want, so you need to know she may suggest that not emailing could be better for you. I doubt she will take away your option to email but at the moment it sounds like emailing hasnt been helpful. What about arranging a check-in phone call between sessions instead? would that be possible??

**huge hugs** I know how difficult it is!!

[delicatefade26]

Gosh, I wish I had the answers-b/c I still feel this way about emails with my T...it's tough reading your struggle with it b/c I feel the same...and I wish I didn't. I haven't talked with him about it yet though, but after this past week I need to discuss it-or it will prevent me from accomplishing anything therapeutic with him...when I don't hear from him I feel rejected and not worthy of his time, that he doesn't care, I understand he can't go into the issues-but he could at least acknowledge that we can talk about them next session or something...I'm always an afterthought apparently...why would I believe that he won't leave me when he doesn't really care about me anyways...I think I need to much-so I should probably just stop doing this to myself...

[rainbow8]

dizgirl, thanks! I know my T won't change what she's doing, but I mean "we" have to decide whether I should try not to send her any emails at all, or whether she shouldn't even write me the one she sends me each week.

delicate: thanks! I'm sorry you're going through this too. Yeah, rejected is another one of those words. Actually, my T does sometimes write "we'll discuss your emails in the session."

[Wren_]

((((Rainbow))) wow good work on your "therapy without your T" and for looking at all of this how do you feel about what came out of your session?

[rainbow8]

tigergirl, I assume you mean my "session" without my T. I think it was a little superficial because I was thinking and posting at the same time. I thought more about it and the feeling I came up with is "ignored". I feel IGNORED when my T doesn't respond to my feelings in my emails. I HATE to feel ignored even more than invalidated. I feel that a lot in RL too. I feel it when I don't get responses to my threads, when people talk "over" me, when I don't get praised. I know it's similar to being invalidated but to me, being ignored means I'm invisible and people don't care about me.

If I could keep the email rules the same, and accept that my T's way of responding doesn't mean she doesn't care, that would be ideal. My head knows that; it's my heart that doesn't. So, I will see what my T thinks at my next session.