So I saw T yesterday and as expected, he nearly fainted when I told him I had made my list of anger issues. Actually he was really pleased and impressed knowing it had to be a difficult list to make. He had me read the list to him, one item at a time. Actually, first he had me grab some kleenex because he knew I wouldn't get through the list without tears.

The subject of my sister's death came up a couple of times, and both times I started crying. The second time he said we needed to change the subject so as not to open that particular can of worms right then. I really appreciated that. Losing her is still incredibly painful and raw for me. I keep thinking it will get better, but it hasn't so far. Time and patience I guess.

Eventually we got onto the subject of how I'm feeling at my core these days: broken. Thus homework list #2. What are the reasons I feel broken? Great . This is going to blow.

Sessions have really been intense these last couple of months. We've really gotten to some core issues that are hard to look at. But we'll get through it; we always do.

[Perna]

I still remember when my T gave me homework to look at "humiliation" and I had a huge humiliation/anger thing that I learned a lot from and we discussed all that the next session and then as I'm leaving she suggested I look at "disappointment" and I anxiously blurted out, "Does this mean I have to spend the whole week being disappointed?" and we both laughed, startled. It's like the whole "don't think of pink elephants" thing.

"Broken", eh? Maybe you could broaden that a little and think of a "name" for yourself (I immediately thought of "Broken arrow", proabably from my 1950's cowboy and indians childhood :-) that might help you think of things and yet lighten the load a bit? Did you ever literally break anything or see anything broken that was significant? My brother broke a piece of our stepmother's Meissen that was priceless and she started to cry (a very unusual occurrence) and we stood around feeling helpless, I imagine my brother especially; it was not a good feeling. But I'd think remembering a specific situation might feel a bit "safer" and broader, etc.? It's already there, it's concrete/actual/literal, it's in the past, etc.

[skysblue]

farmergirl - what an interesting assignment. I'd be interested in knowing exactly what 'broken' means. Do you have a 'list' of qualities of unbrokenness (wholeness) and it's those qualities that you don't possess?

It seems like a very intense project. How long do you have between sessions, i.e. how long to work on this?

I wish you well in your exploration.

[granite1]

i love making lists.i fond them very helpful.i hope you will also.it can be very affirming when you can look at things just written down.i bet as hard as it is you will do OK with list 2

[WikidPissah]

wow...that sounds intense, I like the thought of listing anger issues, just afraid I might explode if I do it.

Good luck with list2!

Hey, thanks for all of your responses. I'm extra busy today, so I won't be able to respond in any detail until later, but thanks again. Maybe I'll be back about lunch time.

[Sannah]

Excellent work!!

[mcl6136]

good stuff! I wish you luck in list making. It is a great exercise and can really be helpful but I've found that I need to PACE MYSELF and be really kind to me when I do this sort of thing because it can build momentum. Once it's out though, it's great to have a touchstone, and it's also helpful to externalize this stuff. Which is one reason I'm finding this forum so useful. Once stuff is OUTSIDE me somehow, at times, it can be easier to deal with ...and I get that, Whew, it's not so bad feeling! Hats off to you for being courageous enough to do this!

Great . This is going to blow.

Farmergirl, you cracked me up! "this is going to blow" sounds like something maybe you heard from one of your high school students. sounds like something my 22 year old son would say... i loved it

however, it does seem like t has your best interest at heart.

and having you grab kleenex, yes, he does know you very well! classic and caring on his part!

ps i think you should team up with cats, her homework assignment is a doozee as well..

Hi guys. I'm finally sitting still. I have been working a bit on my list. It is pretty closely tied to that first anger list -- T told me it probably would be. I'll work on it some more over the weekend (between grading papers, grr!)

Yes, jbmomg. I spend entirely too much time hanging around teenagers. Pretty much 100% of my time actually since I come home to teenagers at home too. I love their jargon. They crack me up all the time. My AP English class is my current source of amusement. I'm in a room that was remodeled over the summer and, quite honestly, it really stinks -- literally stinks. I guess it is the adhesives they used or something, but it is pretty overpowering. My AP class has come up with the theory that there is a dead body in the wall. You should hear the stories they have concocted explaining how the body came to be there. Everyday it is a different theory. They are so please with themselves. Gotta love 'em.

I'm doing pretty well though. Tired as heck, but hanging in there. I see T on Monday, so I guess I'll need that list by then. Shouldn't be a problem though. I do have a really perceptive T; he knows me so well. Actually, I've gotten to know him pretty well, too. I can generally predict what he's going to do before he does it. (Saw List #2 coming a mile away.) Well, off to bed. I'm pooped.

My AP English class is my current source of amusement. I'm in a room that was remodeled over the summer and, quite honestly, it really stinks -- literally stinks. I guess it is the adhesives they used or something, but it is pretty overpowering. My AP class has come up with the theory that there is a dead body in the wall. You should hear the stories they have concocted explaining how the body came to be there. Everyday it is a different theory. They are so please with themselves. Gotta love 'em.

exactly, i work at a university and they all keep me young with what they say,,,

when i was in school, there was a pipe in one of the bathrooms painted red... so we made up stories about whose bloody hand it used to be. teachers got so tired of hearing about, they actually closed the restroom for a day to get the damn thing painted black.
it was hilarious

ps good luck on your homework assignment!

jbmomg, love the pipe story. They do keep us amused and on our toes.

I guess my list is complete. I've looked at it several times without coming up with anything more to add, so I'll take it as it is.

[Wren_]

that's great the list is done did it end up being easier to write than you thought ... and easier than the anger one, or still very hard to compile

Originally Posted by tigergirl

that's great the list is done did it end up being easier to write than you thought ... and easier than the anger one, or still very hard to compile

That's kind of hard to answer. It wasn't particularly difficult to make this list, but I somehow don't feel very connected to it either. It doesn't really feel complete, but I'm not sure why. I'm not going to stew about it though. I'm sure T and I will discuss it at length tomorrow.

[Wren_]

Thanks for trying, I was just curious after reading about the anger homework also. I'm sure you will also (discuss it at length); and maybe that will help or change the connectedness with it

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

It wasn't particularly difficult to make this list, but I somehow don't feel very connected to it either. It doesn't really feel complete, but I'm not sure why.

Distance is a coping technique?