[Wysteria]

Lately I've been dissociating a lot in session with my T, and since we talked about it, he's been good about trying to keep me grounded or helping me to come back.. But I used to hide it from him, and now it feels out of control somehow. I've been having minor panic attacks especially towards the end of session and have had to leave very upset a few times.

Yesterday I totally lost it. We were talking, and I knew I was in trouble and had said a few things to try and get his attention that I'd been in trouble lately and was getting in trouble and was about to "go away" from him in session. I even went to the ladies room and ran water over my wrists to try and calm down. But it didn't work. The pain was too much, and I was trying so hard to stop trembling. I tried to change the subject and gave him my homework to read while I tried to self-soothe...but couldn't. I couldn't f&*king breath at all and started shaking all over.

Then he was there...right in front of me, and I just cracked down the middle and was sobbing all over his hand which I just 'touch' sometimes to ground. I was so embarrassed. And then the alarm chirped, and I knew the next patient had arrived and totally panicked and ran out again. I had to sit on the back of my car and let the breeze in my lungs for a while just to drive.

I don't know what's triggering all the fear inside or outside of therapy. I don't know why I can't control the dissociating from the one person that can help me. I used to do it and come back and he never even knew!! Now I'm freezing up and freaking out... We had the greatest session last week that was so healing and relaxed, and I kept thinking about trying to go back to the way it felt, and I couldn't remember!!
It's like he is nice and suddenly this huge tsunami comes at me of unadulterated PAIN!! It just scares the crud out of me. I wish somedays he'd yell at me or something so I'd get angry instead of afraid...

Then, 15 min later I'm at the school library with my son and his classmates helping them find books, and they are all coming up to me for attention.. and I'm all smiles and loving... but my lips and legs are still numb from not breathing!! Then I deal with some business matters and I'm cold, go to lunch with a neighbor that needed to unload and I'm warm, and then can't make myself go in to the office because I'm freaked again. I came home and melt down all over again and refuse to even walk outside for the rest of the afternoon and then whatever.

I feel like I've split into 4 pieces and going to therapy just makes the glue melt, and I'm left to pick up all the pieces again. I haven't been going to work like I should and just seem to be on the verge of whatever all the time.. I'm tired and know I need my T's help, but asking for it just seems to make me crash. I'm not ok. I'm afraid all the time that I can't put me back together again.

Humpty Dumpty

[pegasus]

(((((( Wysteria ))))))

Sounds to me like you could do with some more coping/grounding strategies. Let your T know that he needs to slow down a bit and ask him to give you some more ways to cope with this roller coaster journey. A good T will try to make sure that their client is feeling safe when they leave the session but you need to let him know.

Originally Posted by Wysteria

Lately I've been dissociating a lot in session with my T, and since we talked about it, he's been good about trying to keep me grounded or helping me to come back..
I don't know what's triggering all the fear inside or outside of therapy. I don't know why I can't control the dissociating from the one person that can help me. I used to do it and come back and he never even knew!! Now I'm freezing up and freaking out... We had the greatest session last week that was so healing and relaxed, and I kept thinking about trying to go back to the way it felt, and I couldn't remember!!
It's like he is nice and suddenly this huge tsunami comes at me of unadulterated PAIN!! It just scares the crud out of me. I wish somedays he'd yell at me or something so I'd get angry instead of afraid...

I feel like I've split into 4 pieces and going to therapy just makes the glue melt, and I'm left to pick up all the pieces again. I haven't been going to work like I should and just seem to be on the verge of whatever all the time.. I'm tired and know I need my T's help, but asking for it just seems to make me crash. I'm not ok. I'm afraid all the time that I can't put me back together again.

Humpty Dumpty

Wysteria,

I think sometimes things are always the worst (at least for me) after I've had a really good session. Its almost like there is a part of us that doesn't want us to "get too close" to gain too much trust... and just when we might be getting to a place where we can really start to talk about the real issues and hurts ...that part of us rears its ugly head and takes over... My T. said dissociating was an appropriate defense mechanism when I was younger and didn't have any control over situations. That is not the case now and that we are working on other ways to cope.

So even though it feels horrible...I see the fact that you are "freezing up and freaking out" instead of dissociating as real progress...of course it would be nice to just always be able to "be in control" and deal with bad feelings by taking a deep breath and just letting the feelings wash over you or something...but some feelings are too painful..

I'm sure your T. can help you work on new ways to cope. Maybe next session you can talk about what happened and see if you can come up with ways to get grounded before you leave... My T.. has started being the "time keeper" for me and we do it one of two ways... either we decide we are only going to talk about something BIG for 10 minutes cause he's trying to build up my tolerance before I can't cope and may dissociate...or if we are on a roll...he tries to end 10 minutes early so I have time to get grounded before I leave... Like you, its very hard for me to be able to let T. know what's going on when by the time I'm feeling I may dissociate so we've made it a policy that every so often he "checks in" with me to see if I'm still on track or that I will atleast talk about it afterwards...

IMHO if I were you I would take the next session or schedule an extra one to talk about all that you are feeling.... Your T. sounds great and I'm sure you could work together to come up with ways to cope during sessions and afterwards..

I do understand and know the humpty dumpty feelings well...it is my greatest fear and the biggest inhibitor of my progress.. I don't have any advice other than to say I understand and support you. Please share with us when you learn ways to cope with those feelings...

Perhaps its the defences used to give the illusion of being "together" that are being broken down. From my expereince these were often desperate and confusing times and relied heavily on contact with T outside sessions.

[Wysteria]

Hey RTS, Pegasus and Earthmamma,

Unfortunately when I "freeze up" I'm already gone...and that's when he's trying to get me to relax, and I'm trying to come back. It's scary and I feel very vulnerable when I go away so it's like a double edged sword lately. I used to just ease out and go numb and come back. Now I jump out and realize I'm unsafe because I've frozen up, but I'm watching and can't come back for a while.

In terms of the timing, he doesn't understand that as the session is winding down, and I'm facing having to be alone behind my walls again, I begin to get upset. I still want to tell him stuff and can't get it out and don't want to be unsafe again and know what's coming... I begin to panic and try not to say anything and thus when the alarm chirps that the next patient is there I lose it and run. He can't help that... That's my problem to fix. That's also why he's sending me away to DBT class next week.

He knows not to "box me in" or I'd probably really lose it especially because I'm already panicked. I don't give him any options, and I know he is frustrated with me right now. Just not nearly as frustrated as I am with myself. I don't know what to do and just want to implode silently at this point and disappear.

I appreciated your thoughtful responses..

WB

[laceylu]

great book on "dissing" getting through the day by nancy j napier very very helpful to me

Oh gosh, I'm sorry its so painful. I remember being in that place years ago... its so difficult. I don't have any good words for you, sorry... Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. It won't always be this hard. You will find ways to cope.... you'll find ways to get thru this. If I can do it, believe me anyone can.

(((Wisteria))) That sounds so hard and scary. I'm sorry you got so upset. I learned the hard way, to not attempt to stop dissociating with T. I used to fight it till I was physically exausted and little real therapy would get done. Now I know if it happens, it's for a reason and T will get to the bottom of it and we will discuss all of it later. T always makes sure I am present before I go home.