[rainbow8]

After all the hype in my mind and in my thread about pushing my Ts buttons, she said it was just about that last email where I listed all the things she told me about her since we began therapy. (well, not ALL, but some) She said it felt intrusive to her. I know! I apologized and told her I knew it was wrong and that I realized I could hurt her. We talked about why I had to send it, and why I feel compelled to "look her up". It was very productive!

She wanted to talk about goals in therapy; it seems we never did that before. She wrote them down. Things like learning to self-soothe, having the baby/child parts "grow up" and she added to "unburden" themselves. Also she said they have to "let go" of something but I forgot exactly what she meant.

Someone has done EMDR with preverbal feelings like she thinks I have. She is going to look it up so we can pursue it. I forgot the T's name who does this.

She had me do something different today. I had to cross my arms and alternately pat my upper arms, left and right, very slowly. I had to visualize my child part being comforted by several people of my choosing. We did this at the end of the session too. My T says it's calming.

At the end I asked her to hold my hand and she did, for a few minutes and let it go slowly. That's when she had me do the alternate tapping (self EMDR?) again.

When we talked about "pushing her buttons" it's funny because she said that was the wrong phrase! She meant that it felt like I was controlling her and telling her what she had to do, and was intrusive. She talked about us both having a private life, but I said "you know most of my private life". She told me she's been in therapy too, so she knows what I go through, sort of, anyway.

Later I said it was going to bother me when I think about her saying "private life", so we talked about that. I said I didn't want her to have it. The baby part, anyway. She, that part, wants to bang the door down!! Like Hankster posted, I think? That I want to look her up and find out more about her and be connected to her and jump into her lap because that "baby" wants her Mommy. She agreed. That's when we did that arms crossed exercise and she said it was okay that SHE was one of the people in it, comforting me along with some others. She said these people could LOVE the child. I asked if that included her because she won't say she loves ME. She loves the child part, though. I understand the difference and it's okay. She said that part needs to be cared about and loved.

She understands how hard it is to give up the behaviors regarding boundaries. I wish I remembered something else she said about boundaries but I don't.

She asked what I get out of my threads here and we talked about needing outside validation and to feel important. She hopes eventually I will feel good about myself without needing that.

I said that holding her hand is good by itself and doesn't cause me any problems afterwards. She said because it's feelings, not words!!! That's exactly it!! Words don't get in the way and I always feel satisfied!! That's an insight that I want to think about some more. I kept telling her not to take that away from me and she won't. It's much better than emails or anything because it heals me where I need it--the touch with NO WORDS at all.

No one has to read all this. I want it so I won't forget my session. I forget a lot if I don't record it, and maybe my writing helps others, as some of you have told me.

It's so nice to feel good after a session again, and I don't feel a need to email my T this time!

[lastyearisblank]

Hey rain not sure if you want a comment, just wanted to say "thanks!"

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She meant that it felt like I was controlling her and telling her what she had to do

This is what T says I do to him, and that I sound like my mother when I do it. This is the creepy me that comes out at inopportune times in romantic relationships and other interactions, that fuels my avoidance.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Glad it went so well.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

..........and I don't feel a need to email my T this time!

boy, that says a lot!! Good job Rainbow!

[rainbow_rose]

glad to 'hear' you had a good session too!

[granite1]

glad it went well rain and glad you were able to share here also

[Sannah]

Great work Rainbow!!!!!!!!!!!

[stopdog]

I am glad it went well.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Rainbow )))

I am so glad that you had a good session. You are working so hard, and you deserve some peace during this grueling process. Your honesty and commitment is inspiring.

(( HUGS ))

Rain, sounds like t was on her "A" game today and insightful to boot. I just tried that "patting my upper arms" and i think i would have to be in the right frame of mind. I don't know if t does emdr????