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#1
Sep 23, 2011, 07:43 PM
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My therapist really triggered me at my last session (a week ago). I still have over another week until I see her (October).
Sorry if I'm not able to be specific here - I can't even write about it or what I'm feeling in my journal 'cause I'm so detached from my emotions now. Beside, my journal is what led us to the trigger point. It's all just too too much and I have no idea what to do with it.  But this thought keeps coming in to my head .. that my therapist triggered me this badly on purpose - that she's pleased or something. I try not to attach to the thought. It keeps coming back, like there's a part of me that WANTS to believe this. I've even done the REBT ABC worksheet and came up with very logical, rational explanations as to what happened ... but I don't know how to hold on to those more positive reasonings. I don't know how to get out of this emotional hole I seem to be digging for myself. i'm so lost. i don't know how to face her - hear her voice - be in the same room. could I even be a little afraid of her right now?  i don't know. nothing feels safe. nothing makes sense.i hate this. really really.   thanks so much for reading.
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~ 
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#2
Sep 23, 2011, 07:49 PM
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I'm sorry you're in bad way right now. I've had this in the back of my head myself; I keep thinking of if/when my t would/will do something like this, what would I do.....and just the idea of it gives me the heebies AND the jeebies.
Well, if it makes any difference, know that I care. I know how hard therapy is. 
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 rainbow_rose
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#3
Sep 23, 2011, 09:12 PM
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Quote:
 I have been triggered by my therapist quite a few times over the years. It's awful! I remember the first time I was triggered. I was SURE he did it on purpose. It hurt a LOT. I spent the weekend in tears, and I wrote a letter, over and over again, trying to figure out what happened. It was before we e-mailed, or I left messages, so I was just kind of stuck with it. When I saw him the next week, I had my letter memorized, and I just forced myself to tell him how I felt. It was the first time I had "confronted" him in therapy. He really listened, and he apologized, and he explained what had happened. I knew that he didn't do it on purpose. It ended up being the first thing that really started to cement our relationship. There have been lots of other times since then when I've felt like that, and the only thing I could do was go and talk about it. I haven't always believed T right away when we've been working through something like that...but I just keep showing up. Week after week after week after week. Because I know that as awful as it is to show up sometimes (and it really can feel awful), if I DON'T show up, there is no chance we'll ever get to the other side of it. We've always, always found our way to the other side. Writing helps me a lot while I'm in the waiting place. Writing here, writing in journals, just WRITING. The more I keep it in, the bigger it gets in my head. Hang in there, Rainbow Rose. Keep talking to us
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| childofyen, rainbow_rose
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#4
Sep 23, 2011, 09:16 PM
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| rainbow_rose
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#5
Sep 24, 2011, 10:33 AM
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I had a really bad week this week, the worst ever. I emailed T on Tuesday, a long email and had to wait 3 days for a reply - T wrote 2 sentences - I was thinking OK thanks but what about eveything I said, don't you care, doesn't it matter - it was real, not some fantasy on my head - I too felt that it was some kind of game T was playing, it felt cold and distant.
I have had to pull myself out of that place, I was so angry and hurt and ready to quit, it is so hard sometimes isn't it rainbow rose - I am so sorry that things are difficult for you right now - but I think I came to the conclusion that I have invested so much time with T, I have to pick myself up again and go back - in life we sometimes get knock backs, that is how life is and I think partly T's role is to help us practice those things - feel the fear and do it anyway kind of thing - this process can be so confusing, take care thinking of you - Soup
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Soup |
| rainbow_rose
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#6
Sep 24, 2011, 05:01 PM
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rainbow rose
so sorry you are trapped in a negative thought pattern. i know they are maddening. i think it is good that you have done the worksheet to come up with a rational, logical explanation. that is how i would combat the negative thought. everytime the negative thought comes to mind, counteract it with the logical explanation. repetition. over and over again. "negative thought..then say...yes, it seems that way, but...logical thought" |
| rainbow_rose
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#7
Sep 25, 2011, 04:45 AM
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kaliope - thank you. I'm trying hard, but the irrational thoughts are winning.
SoupDragon - thank you. I really appreciate your comments. childofyen - thanks SO much for the hugs. I appreciate every one of them treehouse - thank you so very much for your comments. very helpful. writing about this is very scary. but I did try and I'll try again. beautiful.mess - thank you, it's nice to know someone out there cares
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~
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#8
Sep 25, 2011, 12:43 PM
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I'm sorry you are having negative thoughts that don't go away, rainbow_rose. I am not very good at coping with being triggered by my T or anyone else, so I don't know what to say to you. It seems like talking more about it when you see your T may be what you need to do. Maybe you ARE afraid of her, and you need her to reassure you that you can feel safe with her. The T-relationship is complicated but working it out is essential to growth and healing.
Can you meditate to calm yourself down? Just concentrate on your breathing for a few minutes? Or do other self-soothing things? I know that's what my T would recommend for me.
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| rainbow_rose
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#9
Sep 25, 2011, 04:00 PM
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thank you SO much for your support, rainbow. means a lot to me.
I do try things to calm down or distract, but it keeps coming back. I know what it is. My therapist triggered a fear reaction - one from my being in an verbal/emotional abusive relationship. that fear has been transfered to her and I can't seem to get out from under it. I don't know how to explain it to her. for every rational thought I have, an irrational one exists. i don't know how to get out from under this.
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~
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#10
Sep 25, 2011, 06:06 PM
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Hey Rainbow Rose,
I am so sorry that something happened with your T that has upset you so much. Please remember that Therapists don't intentionally harm their clients (those that do need to be struck off) - sometimes they can be a bit silly and make bad mistakes and choices which leave us feeling hurt but essentially they want to help us, that is their goal. Your T has nothing to gain from upsetting you, even though I understand how it can feel like they do things on purpose sometimes. Often I think the problem is that therapists don't always explain why they have said or done something and as clients we start to imagine so many reasons, many which are not even close to the truth and we often fixate on one that leaves us feeling hurt. I hope you can get through the next week and see your T .Perhaps as a way to reassure yourself that your T cares, think of the times she has said or done something that meant a lot to you and where you felt cared for by her. diz x
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| rainbow_rose
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#11
Sep 25, 2011, 10:50 PM
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(((((HUGS))))) I hope you are feeling better, even if it is only a little bit...
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| rainbow_rose
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#12
Sep 26, 2011, 11:42 AM
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Being triggered by your therapist is part of getting better. If you have issues to resolve they can be triggered. Working through this with your therapist is the only way through this. Can you call or email her to tell her and get the process rolling?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| rainbow_rose
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#13
Sep 27, 2011, 09:43 PM
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thank you, Sannah, PTSDlovemycats, dizgirl2011, for your comments and support. I so appreciate them and find them helpful.
i am still struggling. i just don't have the words.
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~
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| Sannah
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#14
Sep 28, 2011, 01:22 PM
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I was triggered by my T for the first time a month ago, it hurt bad. She said trigger words and scared me. I needed it but I hated it and became very angry with her. I told her my feelings and also said I would need some time before I talk about that again. She was ok with it. Now we are closer and I am getting the help I really need. I got to take home some beanie babies from her office. I know she was doing a good job. I will be thinking of you. Have courage to discuss it with T.
__________________
 laceyluHiding Hurts, Sharing Helps 
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| rainbow_rose
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#15
Sep 28, 2011, 10:21 PM
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thank you very much, laceylu. i appreciate your comments very much.
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~
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#16
Sep 28, 2011, 10:45 PM
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You remind me of me, I have been in the biggest pit. I really don't know if this will help U, will start to recover and start over. I am sorry you are in this dispair! Wishing you nothing but the best! 
__________________
♫"Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't♫. (i take the almonds out often, make shift mound) Almond Joy 
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| rainbow_rose
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