Sometimes we have to go back to continue to move forward

One of my clients (legal, I'm a lawyer) wrote this to me today. I worked with her almost twenty years ago when she was charged with killing her (very, very, very abusive boyfriend). She was able to plea to manslaughter and spent a very short time in prison.

In the past twenty years, she's struggled to rebuild her life, support her family, raise her children. She now has a new legal issue that I am assisting her with, and her ability to work with me has astonished and impressed me. She wrote this in the context of reading a draft of something I sent her. I wrote her that I was concerned for her, I wanted her to be in a safe place and have support to read it, because it was very graphic about her childhood traumas and of course, the very graphic details about the domestic violence that she experienced. I didn't want her to become overwhelmed and/or triggered by reading it.

She followed my advice and waited to read it until she had her safe space. Her reaction? She had been afraid of having to relive her life with her ex and remember all of the pain that came with that relationship. Of course, I'd basically told her in my preamble that this is how she should feel. Instead, she didn't feel the pain that was caused by that relationship, she now feels the healing that has happened, after all these years. For the last 20 years, she's been facing the painful events of her life in one way or another (like on every job application, where she has to identify her criminal record and explain to other people that she defended her own life, and then listen to them reject her). Today, her tears were the bittersweet kind of realizing that she's already at where she hoped to be one day. So today is her day. She so deserves it.

I have had my own internal shift in the past month or so, where the pain of my past has lost its grip on me, and I can tell my story to others (mostly my T, but also select wonderful people in my life) without being broken by it. I can manage the emotions that my story evokes in me without being lost in the chaos that used to accompany the story. And without being detached from my emotions or my story.

15 years ago, I left therapy and thought I was done with my past. I think I've continued to work on my past, because this isn't the first time that I've recognized that I share something, healing or a funky issue, with my clients. And I think I've also done work within the context of my mostly positive experience with marriage and motherhood. But I never anticipated delving into my past in the way I have done in the past six months in therapy. I never imagined that I would move forward in such a meaningful way by slogging through the details, which I have occasionally obsessively honed in on in ways that didn't make sense to me at the time. There has been a kind of fluidity between my past and present these past six months that has continued to surprise me. And I think it has even surprised my unflappable T, who has been there for me in every way possible and has modeled how to treat myself with tenderness and compassion.

Go back, continue to move forward. It might be a cycle I need to repeat in the future (like next week), but for today, I'm looking back but enjoying the view of having moved forward.

That's all. I don't expect applause.

Anne

((((Anne)))) That is so powerful. I do understand the abusive relationship issue. My heart goes out to those who have been through this.

Sorry, but you get applause anyway. Thanks for sharing that heartfelt story. It makes my struggles seem very insignificant indeed.

It's my ongoing question - how to know for sure if you're healed or if stuff has been buried only to appear later in an explosive way? I had thought in years past that I had resolved some issues but they came roaring back unexpectedly.

And 2nd question, how to get beyond old stuff?

But, it's great for you that you recognize such progress. Congrats!

[quote=3rdTimesTheCharm;2043593. [COLOR=royalblue]There has been a kind of fluidity between my past and present[/color] these past six months that has continued to surprise me. And I think it has even surprised my unflappable T, who has been there for me in every way possible and has modeled how to treat myself with tenderness and compassion.

Go back, continue to move forward. It might be a cycle I need to repeat in the future...

Dear Anne,

Thank you so much for sharing this insight and these moments of clarity and vision with us. Your words are inspiring and eloquent and the "cycles" of life that you see and parallels with the past, present and future are so incredible to witness. I personally feel honoured that you'd share your story and your client's story of strength to inspire and make me reflect on the cycles in my own life and where I want to be as well.

These kinds of revelations and milestones do need to be celebrated and recognized and shared. I'm afraid I don't even want to applaud, I'd rather sit beside you and just revel in the warmth of a warm fire, or share a cup of coffee, sitting on a dock - our toes dangling in the water while we watch the sunrise. At least for me it's that kind of moment to just reflect and absorb.

I'm so glad that you have such a wonderful T to share all of this with and who can guide you so very well down a path of healing and insight. You are very lucky indeed to have her. Sounds like your clients are very lucky to have a compassionate and caring lawyer like you as well...

Your post reminded me of one of my favorite pictures..I've attached it below..

Wysteria Blue

[quote=Wysteria;2045051]Wysteria, thank you so much for the understanding and validation that you provided me with in this post. I love that picture, I downloaded it to my pic file, and it's now my background. It does perfectly capture the way I feel about having had this experience, and it blows me away that you were able to get that. Thank you so much for sharing this pic with me.

And I really appreciate what you said about me as a lawyer. I will continue to try really hard to live up to this.

Anne

P.S. Sky, you (as usual) have great questions. I'm not sure I have any answers.

I think the key thing I've learned, in terms of reaching this healing (for both my client and myself), is that you have to really deal with your past. My client has had to deal with her past every time she tells a potential employer about why she has a felony record. Most of the time their reaction has caused shame and fear in her, and she's had to deal with that. She hasn't just denied or buried it. For me, even when I wasn't in therapy, I was consciously processing (not all the time, of course, I'm sure there is some that I pushed back down) some issues from my past as they appeared in my relationship with H. Often times I sorted things out for myself when I was having difficulty with something, and understood its connection to my past. Sometimes I talked with H and/or with a good friend or two. And certainly when I do the work I do, often times my past gets put in my own face when I react to the similarity between my client's and my own. I don't deal with it at the time that I'm with the client, but I reserve it for later as I'm thinking about my work, and sometimes I talk about this to H or a friend. I think that anytime you bring your past experience into your consciousness and either acknowledge that it happened or try to understand its effect on you or figure out that you've moved in your place around this, you are actively healing. In my conceptualizing of what I am trying to do, my past abuse is a page in the book of my life. I am neither obsessed with focusing on that page nor do I need to avoid it. Sometimes I look at it and try to make what I understand more rich and nuanced, or even correct it. Other times I just look back and honor it.

Anne

Thanks for sharing your story and that of your client. Stories like these inspire me.

I like the idea of honoring it. It is a page in your book, after all. But viewing it as just one page helps give it context. One page among many, honor each one.