Intense need to be okay

I don't know why I do this or feel this way .... but there is a part of me that has an intense need to be okay for my T. I know I'm not okay... but there are parts of me that feel I have to hide that from my T. That I down play how I feel about things... oh I'll say the facts but don't show the emotion... like it would be too much or I would be a disappointment .... Logically I know its not productive or helpful but the logical part of me has no control once I walk in that room..

Does anyone else ever feel that way?

I totally get this! You are not alone in that. I don't think I have anything helpful to say, but you are not alone.

I could have written this post, word for word. I so get this. No, you are not alone!

In fact, I'm leaving for my T appt in about an hour and right now I'm obsessing about how I will appear to T.

You have lot's of practice with hiding your feelings through out your whole life?

May I ask if you are trying to protect you or the therapist?

Sannah...yes I learned at a very early age that having feelings is not safe. When you grow up with CA in the home, you learn don't feel and don't talk.

Stopdog,...I wish I knew what is going on... I really want to talk about my BIG feelings with T. but then when I get in there... it just comes out all facts and no feelings...and I end up feeling worse cause it feels so cold and empty... Its not something that I consciously decide to do... some weeks I journal about what I want to talk about first cause I thought maybe it was anxiety and it all comes out the same.. Its very frustrating.

Then this is probably just a very ingrained habit that occurs automatically? When you get to therapy and you start reacting this way you could mention the above to the therapist and connect this past stuff with what you are currently doing. This was how I broke the connection between the past and present. Make the subconscious reactions conscious and talk through what is going on and you can break the automatic connection.

Interesting question. My feeling about my (partially) failed therapy (which I have posted about at nauseating length on this forum) is that

I WAS PROTECTING MY COLD DISTANT T.

I think I was trying to show him that i was a good patient (he took great pleasure in being a "doctor" rather than a helper or therapist and insisted on being called Doctor T) teamed up with a great doctor.

It was b.s., and I knew it all along!

I felt that I was protecting him from seeing that the therapy had bogged down, and that dishonesty on my part really messed things up.

the less "okay" i felt, the more "okay" I pretended to be! Pretty soon, no therapy. Now, I've decided that when I'm feeling most sketchy, uncertain, like I'm bungling things, I'm probably making some headway. In other words, when I leave my persona at the door, and enter as a human, then that's when realizations, change, and progress happen.

I think my T had a hand in creating a sterile, "okay" environment with his approach, which culminated in the bad day when he ordered me, "LET'S GO," when the therapy was bogging down. But I certainly played a part in things by presenting issues where I was the "good" patient rather than exploring my real issues surrounding shame -- and not being "okay."

I'm setting off on my next T journey feeling okay about not being "okay."
And if I get a T who can handle that, and join me there...good. If not, I'm packing up again.....and getting another.

Yep - me too. This is a real problem for me, and I think about it all the time. My reason is that I don't want to be/appear vulnerable, because I don't trust completely that my T won't hurt me in some way. Not sure how ... laugh at me? Ridicule me? And I would be defenseless.

I don't feel a need to appear OK, because both he and I know that I'm "broken" in some ways. But the vulnerability is at the core for me. Does that ring a bell with you at all, or do you think you've got something different going on?

Yes, I feel that way too sometimes. Like if I am feeling down, I do not want T to see me that way. I am embarrassed by it. He finds that kind of amusing or cockeyed or something and has let me know he welcomes the "down" me to show up. He will try to help if I am that way--that's what he is there for. That seems super obvious, but still I sometimes feel that way.

I think I wrote the book about this one, Readytostop. Except I call it "tapdancing" and I was an expert in tapdancing by the time I was four. I needed it to keep Mom doling out whatever emotional goodies I required. And have done it with SO's ever since. If you can trace this back to early childhood, I think you'll find the whole phenomenon quite interesting. It's connected with what some call a "false self."

In my case, for whatever reason, Mom just dissociated when I was a baby and toddler. So to keep her interested and paying attention I had to put on a special act. Not me, really, but whatever it took to keep her loving me. It was obvious that just plain me didn't fill the bill, cut the mustard, what have you. So one creates a character that gets what you need. Vaudeville. Show biz.

And of course, this is such an ingrained habit that when I'm with T I do the same thing without thinking. It's never, ever been a conscious thing. Always without thinking. And I put on my performance for T, who loves it, because I'm really, really good at it. I really am. A polished performer. Except that it sidesteps all the painful reality from which I suffer and that I'm seeing T to change.

Learning how NOT to tapdance is a trick. A hard job. If you've spent your life as Shirley Temple then not being Shirley Temple takes a lot of conscious thought and even physical effort. It's necessary. But it's worth it.

This is my take on your problem. I could be wrong. I could be off. But when I read your OP this is what came to mind. I'm sharing it with you in hopes that it will help you in your work with T. Take care!

Boy does this one resonate. I did this too. See my earlier post on this thread, which links some of my failed therapy with this kind of strategy...I can be funny! Interesting! Thought-provoking! Ribald! Whatever it might be to amuse (and protect) my T!.....but showing up and discovering feelings...well, not so much. This intense need to be okay (which was the thread's original name) turns out to be an avoidance. In therapy, the way it manifested for me was an intense need to be funny, or okay, or whatever....anything but being myself with all of the inherent flaws that might be blocking what I really wanted in my life. I mean I avoided talking about those issues and that was one of my favorite "get-arounds."

Now, I'm really interviewing new Ts with one single question in mind: How okay am I feeling about being here.....not "how okay am I pretending to appear to this T?"

Wow I can so relate to the tapdance but I had never thought of it in that way or that I could still be doing it. Maybe that is what I'm doing. I was the smoother in a home with CA...so I had to "perform" to make everything be okay ... to keep things from escalating... Thanks so much...I think I'll explore this in therapy tonight.

Update:

Had session tonight...I used the tapdancing and avoidance and other stuff from all of your posts to explain to my T. the things that go on in my head during session and how frustrating it is..

He understood and instead of asking me what we were going to talk about...he decided we are going to pick a feeling and then talk about a time either in past or recently that I had felt that way. Of course he picked "scared" ... But this switch in thinking....this starting with a feeling and then talking about a time I felt that way has really helped.... I was able to talk about a small glimpse of a memory (have dissociative amnesia prior to age 12) that I had where I knew I felt very scared...I don't know what actually happened in the end because I can't "see" the whole incident...

And somehow my T. was able to help me see how all of that ties into my inability to handle suspensefull situations even in TV and movies.. about how it is a trigger and how my responses were PTSD related....

My T. even noticed that I started to dissociate and was able to catch it early....and bring me right back... it was very productive session.

Thanks again for all of your insights and your willingness to share your experiences to help me.....that means so much

I could have written this.

My T asked me last night why I smile and say I'm doing fine when she can see past it and knows how depressed I am. I told her it was a habit.

For me, being sad or angry was wrong. I was always told no one cares to hear about your problems or bad feelings. Smile and say you're doing good, even if you're not. I found that when I was depressed and was isolating I felt like no one cared, so I would put on a big smile and then I felt like I was an okay person.

Great work Readytostop!