Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how.

I noted in the other thread "Is there something you would like to tell your therapist, but you can't" that I would start this new thread before the other one was shut down. They are evidently closed when they reach 100 pages or 1000 replies/posts.

This will be the same type of thread:

(1) Is there something you want to tell your therapist, but you are having a hard time saying it?

(2) Do you have something you want to say, but you would never say it directly to them?

(3) Are you needing something from your therapist, but you are too ashamed to ask?

I hope that we can keep this going. I would miss this thread terribly if it was stopped! This is such a part of me now. I have worked through many issues using this thread.

I use this thread to practice what I plan to take to therapy each week. I use this thread to say things I know I would never have to courage to tell my therapist face to face. Funny though, once I have written it out here, I usually copy this and take it to her anyway! She loves the honesty that I put into my words. She thinks this type of thread is very beneficial to clients who need some time to process things.

Are you guys still with me on this? Has this been helpful to you?

Thanks for re-starting this thread Squiggs. I get so much out of reading it.

YAY! I am not alone.

Dear T,

I am a little afraid to tell you how things are going with my ED because I don't want you to think I'm not working on it. I AM working on it, and am working hard to do the right thing as much as possible. But I'm a little afraid to tell you when I slip up, because I don't want you to think what we're doing isn't working. It IS working. But I am really good at making mistakes. I don't like that I'm hiding this from you, because it isn't helpful at all. But I don't know how to tell you that sometimes the ED is worse than I make it out to sound, and I am struggling more than I let on. Believe me, I'm trying, which we both know wasn't the case before. But now I'm working. I'm going to beat this thing. Please don't be mad at me when I tell you about these lapses.

Dear T,

I am really nervous about missing our session this week. I don't want to panic or freak out, but the closer we get to Wednesday, the more my anxiety rises. I really want to call you before I go out of town, but I won't do that. It is not a crisis, so I know that I am really not suppose to call you. I know you said that I could, but I can't bring myself to do that. I don't want you to know that I am thinking about it. Not sure why, since you told me that you were okay with it.

I may end up calling you once I am actually out of town. I promise not to talk long. I may just need to touch base. Are you sure you are okay with that?

Squiggle

Dear T,

I know you want me to drive again so I can quit being so terrified, but I am not ready. I can't do it. It's all I can do to even get out of bed right now. I feel like I am failing at everything. Everything that goes wrong seems to be my fault. You might as well give up on me now, everyone else has.

Squiggle, I have benefitted greatly from the other thread! Thank you for starting it and for starting this one too. I often practice what I want to tell my T here, and then go on and tell it to her. During these past 2 weeks of not emailing my T I've appreciated it even more because I feel like it's almost replacing the need to email her.

Dear T,
Could you please explain to me what is going on in my head? And could you do it in a way that would not freak me out? I am angry and sad at the same time. I wish we could talk for several hours so I can understand.

Dear T,
Where the H*LL did THAT question come from?!?! Seriously?!?! On your property?!?! WTF?

Just checking in

Dear T,
Thank you for helping us get past the intense disconnection over the last few weeks. I wish I could say thank you, besides the general thank you at the end of each session. I would like to be able to say a meaningful and pointed thank you at times like this.

Also, thank you for having time for me to have a 2nd session this week. I so need it.

Dear T

Can't you just save us this hassle and shrink yourself to fit inside my head to find out what's going on. Oh, and take your toolbox too. You're going to need it. And while we're at it maybe you could clone yourself and come home with me. Easy, can't think why you didn't do this sooner.

Dear T,

You wouldnt believe how nervous I am right now, I feel sick from nervousness, its all because of this letter that I will give you at 1pm, please dont give me that look you give me when you read the stuff I give you, please dont be uncomfortable when you read it, I need you to stay pleasant like you always do, but I guess in some ways I also want you to react, to respond out of character, to know your real, to feel that its wrong, I need to see you, even for a second, the real you not therapist you, so I can feel safe. I need to be speaking to a human being, even if the real you is rude, or crazy, just let me know you bleed like I do. That you cry like I do, that you worry and panic like I do, that I am not alone, and will not be alone....even for a second

Dear T - I hate you. How can you be gone for a whole month? I hope I forget you exist.

Dear T -

I get to see you soon (yay!). I keep trying to convince myself that you are an expensive habit and that I don't really need you. But after the two week break, I'm always desperate to see you.

Your receptionist kind of sucks, by the way. It's difficult enough for me to schedule appointments with you because I feel guilty, but then she asks me, "How many appointments do you have booked already?" And I usually have 5-6 scheduled because if I don't book in advance, I don't get in to see you at all! I called last week and the time I wanted in late December was already booked.

- winter

Oh yes, I've benefited from this thread. It helped me figure out why my T wasn't helping me and now there are aspects where I am helping myself.

I can have these thoughts rattle around in my head but getting them out and having to make sense of them really helps.

I feel like my T uses a one-sized-fits all approach with me. I feel like my T waits until I say something that fits me into a pattern and then LEAPS. I don't like this at all. I feel that it's kind of de-humanizing actually. I've asked myself really honestly if this is about a need to feel special, and I really don't think this is what it's about. At times, I actually think it's my T's laziness, burnout, and just plain bad therapy. I realize that's probably burden shifting but I don't really care!

EXACTLY! My previous t did that so many times, on such a regular basis - I actually would ask him, Oh, is that from your phobia of the month club subscription? It happened at least 5 or 6 times! He then always made the same movement in his chair. Too funny that you got it too! WTH!

ooops...wrong format. I will write this to my T.

Dear T,

Already I am having questions about where I am going. The approach feels really minimal here. I feel like about half of what's being said is from a cheap self help book. And the other half, well, it's small talk. I've had a few conversations with friends lately that struck me as more helpful and therapeutic than this therapy, and that's very bad news. I'm committed to this process, but at this point, I am not sure that you're the one to go the distance with me. I also think that sometimes you have an answer ready or a formula and it's all very constraining and kind of icky when I feel as though I'm being placed into a mold. Really? I've moved beyond this place you seem to want to go -- for your comfort and ease.

Sigh,
MCL

Dear T,

I am really going to need help getting through all this car accident stuff. If I lose my license because I passed out, things are going to get worse and my mental health will suffer. Please, please, please help me stay safe.

T,

Hi. I wish I could just say hi to you.

I was thinking tonight that what I really want is to be loved. I'm not though and I haven't been....who could anyway?

I'll never say that out load.

I'll also never say that I could use a hug. Just once. Pretend I'm not repulsive to be near, that I matter, just for a few seconds, just once.

I miss you. I feel sad and low and lonely...and desperate.

Although this is not funny, I had to chuckle when I read it. THIS is showing true emotion! Something that we are all trying to learn to do in therapy.

Dear T-
I secretly hope their are no cancelations this week because I'm not sure I'm ready to rip the scab off the wound just yet. You said that next session we will start with her. That will be the topic for months to come I'm sure. I'm ready, but I'm not. It's in the hands of the scheduling gods now. I'll miss you as I travel "home" I'm sure we will have lots to talk about on my return.
Eternally Struggling- Lola

Dear T, today was good. Was nice to see you.

Dear T,

Thank you, despite it all, you still care...thank you.
In our last session, before our session I asked to see your human side, ok I asked you in this thread and never actually showed you or requested it....but you did show me your human side, you told me how you deal with your own self critical voice, and I realised...you have problems too, you are not perfect...you hurt just like me....thank you.

Hope it's ok to add mine here, being new and all....

Dear T.,

I am so frustrated with you. I love/hate that you cater to me the way you do. I have been thinking about making an outrageous request, just to see if you will do it. I appreciate that you try so hard to make me feel safe and comfortable, but good god, you make me feel like you will do anything just to get to see the 'freak show' each week. Why don't you just tell me to deal with it instead of changing everything? Are you afraid I will stop going if you don't do what I want?

I feel like you are studying me instead of guiding me. I hate the look you get on your face sometimes when I talk. I hate that 'WTF' look you try so hard to hide,yet I still see.

I HATE the way you just brush off my suicide talk and tell me if I was going to kill myself, I would already be dead. It feels like a dare sometimes ya know.

I want to trust you, I really do. I want to test you sometimes too, but I fight those thoughts and urges. I have thought about asking you if you would like to see my t*ts, just to see what you will say. Deep down I'm afraid you would say yes, and then I would have to stop seeing you. It would be too devastating if you said yes, and I'm too afraid to take the chance. I have never been around a man this long without him trying something with me. Is it because I can really trust you, or is it because you don't find me attractive?

Sometimes I truly hate you. Sometimes I feel like I love you. Sometimes you piss me off and other times you make me feel validated. Right now I hate you.

Everyone is welcome here. Keep posting!