The 'Strange Situation' was a paradigm dreamt up by Mary Ainsworth to categorize infant-mother attachment patterns. The mother goes in and out of the room, leaving the child with a stranger. They note the amount of exploration the child engages in, her reactions to the mother's departure, her anxiety at being left with stranger, and her reaction to the reunion with her mother. Together, these determine whether the attachment is secure, anxious-resistant, anxious-avoidant, or disorganized.

I have contact with T (by text) six days a week. Sundays are her day off. Two and a half years in, we have the Saturday night goodbyes down pat. We say what we'll each be doing on Sunday (so I can 'see' her and know that she can 'see' me). I check that she'll still love me (yes) and think of me (yes) even when she's gone. She promises to text me on Monday morning (so I know when she'll be back). The goodbyes are ok. Even Sundays themselves have become more peaceful over time, as I've become better at holding on.

But Mondays? The reunion is ugly. Every. Single. Time. And two and a half years on, it's only just dawned on me... it's our very own strange situation. T is the mama who left the room, and I am the infant who waited so eagerly for her to return, and is desperate for closeness, but resists when she initiates.
I came up with a new Monday shorthand for us, so I could observe and describe how I felt to T and try to circumvent all the Monday trauma. Lifted straight out of attachment coding, our new 'code' is:
A= happy you're back
B= hold me put me down don't put me down hold me
C= who are you anyway?
D= all over the place

It's Sunday night where I am. Tomorrow I'm going to try the code

How do you respond to your Strange Situations?

[Ygrec23]

All over the place, Improving, all over the place. In other words, d.

That's really interesting, improving. It makes SO much sense.

Today T and I reconnected after a couple of days. I think it felt like D...but that might have had to do with the fact that it was e-mail and too easy to read through the veil of my fears/insecurities.

My sessions are usually A these days. Even though therapy itself is hard and kind of sucks, T feels super safe and open and loving and it makes me feel good inside to see him.

[ECHOES]

I loved reading about this in "Attachment in Psychotherapy".

I would have to say my attachment pattern is most frequently B.

[delicatefade26]

I am definitely in place where every session I am B...I would like to get to a point where I am A though...maybe only time will bring that?

[stopdog]

I think I am usually C

[unaluna]

When I was seeing T on MWF, if there was a schedule change like for a holiday and we would then have two days in a row, when he would say, "See you TOMORROW!" at the end of the first session, it just sounded SO SPECIAL to me. I realize this is kinda the Strange Situation in reverse. So anyway in year 3 with him, we finally scheduled 3 days in a row, WRF, and it was heavenly! there was so much less of that getting to know you again, and by wednesday I was just so glad to see him! Now we are on a MWR schedule, but after everything that happened this summer (speaking of strange situations - poss. email hack), i'd say attachment issues are done. Hmm. But before this? Yeah, I would be like, why are you acting like you don't know me? T: is that how you feel? We eventually figured out I really would get a warmer welcome from the neighbor's pitbull than fRom my mom or brother.

I'm sorry, was that supposed to be multiple choice and not essay?! blush!

A. Always A. I love therapy. My T is great. I love talking to this amazing woman. And it's all about ME -- nothing's ever been about me.

[Elli-Beth]

I'm either a B- or a C+. Then again, sometimes I'm an A.
I guess that puts me in D, doesn't it?
Yep, that's me: firmly all over the place!

[FourRedheads]

B!

I miss you; I hate you. Talk to me; leave me alone. I trust you; I'm scared you will hurt me.

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone Echoes, I'm jealous, I really want that book but it's just too expensive. There's a surprising amount of it available on Amazon's 'look inside' facility though. Hankster, there was no 'supposed', and I loved your essay!

Well, today backfired majorly. I noticed myself going into full blown "I don't even know you, why are you texting me?" mode and spend the day feeling like that before remembering that I was supposed to tell T. When I did, her response was "Not much point texting then"... and it went downhill from there. Recently I've been finding it hard to balance not hurting T's feelings, with honestly exploring what's going on for me. The nature of our relationship means that I do sometimes catch her in her vulnerable, busy, fed up moments, and I've tried to take that into account when absorbing her response. But today it feels like she believes she can just downright punish me into changing, and being able to do better next Monday. And I feel so afraid and hopeless that I'm ready to just give up on Mondays altogether. Maybe Tuesday's the lucky charm.

[laceylu]

Attachment with my bio mom was disorganized states my T. And my attachment to her is B. I want her and do not want her all at once.