Why is that we know WHAT we are doing, but we don't know WHY we are doing it? We are intellligent enough to know that what we are doing makes no sense. We want to stop it, but we keep doing it again and again. Why is that?

Lately I find myself reacting to things in ways that don't even connect to what is going on. For example: I love freshmade pancakes. I can be so happy about having them made, smelling them, and thinking about how good they will taste! Then I accidentally drop one on the floor and I go stark raving nuts! I get so angry that I stomp it in the floor, jump up and down on it, curse under my breath, and act like a wild woman out of control. (No, I didn't do this. It is just a scenerio)

The anger at the pancake on the floor makes no sense. The reaction is extreme to the situation. Then I realize that I am not angry at the pancake on the floor. I am angry at MYSELF that I allowed it to happen!
This is clearly an indication that I have underlying anger issues. They come out in the strangest situations.

I denied anger for a long, long time. My therapist was adamant that I had some buried anger, but I was too afraid to let it out. Now that we have opened it up, it is coming out in the weirded places. Why is that? Its like it comes pouring out at the least little thing. I told her that I did not want to 'go there' with the anger thing because I didn't have anger issues. Boy, was that the understatement of the year!

Still yet, I don't really don't know what I am angry at. Lately I have this urge to 'tell her off' but I don't know why. I did tell her about it. She told me to "Go ahead". In others words "tell her off". Well, you can't do that unless you are in that 'anger mode'. You can't turn it off and on when someone asks you to.

You know, she really wants me to show anger IN her office. Why? Why does she want me to do that? She keeps telling me that I leave my feelings/emotions at the door when I come into therapy. Maybe I do, but I cannot MAKE myself show emotion. It comes naturally when the time is right. I tell her that. Then she just says that she doesn't expect me to 'make' myself cry or anything, but when I feel that trying to come up, don't stop it.

I can't explain why I do what I do in therapy. When I go into a session, it is what it is. I bring what I bring. That's all I know to do. If emotions come, they do. If they don't, they don't.

Back to the subject line, "Do you see WHAT you are doing, but you don't know WHY you are doing it?"

[rainbow8]

I see what I am doing when I overreact to something, and I get that it has to do with something from my past, but don't always know what.

I see that I get triggered when people ignore me, or I think they are ignoring me, and I sort of know why, but not really.

I see that I repeat my pattern of wanting my Ts to be my mother but I don't know exactly why.

So, I see WHAT but sometimes I have only a vague feeling of the WHY. I think therapy is supposed to help us understand the WHYs of WHAT we do.

[zooropa]

yes. I think at one time I didn't see what I was doing. Now I see it, and I might have an idea of why or I might have no clue, but either way I can't stop it.

Example: in the situation with my therapist right now, I know that I need to give her space, that she can't meet my need and my increasingly frantic attempts to get her to meet that need just make her pull further away. I SEE that, and I have some ideas of where it comes from, but I can't stop it. Or, I can't always stop it. Sometimes I can. But yes, it's very confusing.

Rainbow, to address what you said, I think therapy is supposed to help us with this, too, although I once asked my T why I have such a hard time believing that someone is still there when they are away from me, and she said it doesn't matter why. So, different Ts might feel differently, but for me it seems like understanding why is a big part of being able to recognize and stop the behavior, thoughts, etc.

Rainbow/Zoopropa,

That is interesting about the 'why' part. I do believe that my therapist wants me to 'explore' why I do what I do. She tends to think that most of what we do has some kind of connection to something in our past. It does not necessarily have to be the past from years ago. The past can be last year!

But I can see where trying to explore too much into 'why' we do the things we do, can lead to alot of confusion. Maybe it doesn't matter why? Maybe what matters is that we don't like it and we want to change that behavior even if we don't know why we do it? I have triggers that I try to avoid. I know that they trigger me, but I don't know why! I would like to know why.

This is much more complex than I realized, but it is interesting. I would like to continue this conversation and get input from others as well. Does it matter if we don't know why we do what we do?

[wintergirl]

I think the motives behind our behavior do matter A LOT! If we can pinpoint what is causing us to act a certain way, we can (at the very least) have a better understanding of ourselves.

My problem is that although I understand why I am acting a certain way, it is incredibly difficult for me to change my ingrained patterns of behavior. I'm afraid of change, yet staying the same isn't working out either.

Originally Posted by wintergirl

I think the motives behind our behavior do matter A LOT! If we can pinpoint what is causing us to act a certain way, we can (at the very least) have a better understanding of ourselves.

My problem is that although I understand why I am acting a certain way, it is incredibly difficult for me to change my ingrained patterns of behavior. I'm afraid of change, yet staying the same isn't working out either.

The fear of change is more than likely why many of us get 'stuck' in the therapy process. The fear that we may fail is ever present (at least it is for me). Trying to find release from those ingrained patterns would be like making me change from being a right-handed person to a left-handed person! My brain still thinks I am right-handed and it won't cooperate very well.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

You know, she really wants me to show anger IN her office. Why? Why does she want me to do that?

That's an easy one. Naturally, she wants to see the anger for herself.

First, you might accidentally reveal something very useful. You might shout, "You *****, you dropped my pancake on the floor!" Then she would know to ask you about pancakes and floors.

But more likely, she would listen to your anger and say, "I can hear your anger. But I also think I see disappointment. Could that be right?"

Finally, she might want you to dump your anger with her so you don't stomp so many pancakes at home.

[stopdog]

For myself, I see I have a t with whom things go along calmly (in terms of the interaction between the two of us -i go in without much fear most of the time, I don't shake, I don't want to kill either of us each week after the appointment, i have never wanted to harm myself after interacting with her, etc) and who makes some sense to me, she explains things repeatedly and without impatience, and I feel not unsafe with her for the most part. But I still want to (and do) go back the first one who I find to be impatient, I get sick before going to see her, I want to destroy both of us after each appointment, I want to harm myself weekly after dealing with her and it is generally horrible. and yet this one with whom I experience all these horrible things is the one I am drawn back to like a moth to flame. So I know I do this, but I do not know why (and yes, I have tried to talk to her about it to no avail. She just says I can quit if I want). Even if is is labelled extreme negative transference or projection, I don't know why I am so insistent on trying to fix the relationship with the bad one instead of just accepting the better
relationship with the second one.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I started therapy not knowing why ... now I know a lot of the whys, but not all of them.

It's what I came for: not to be Pinocchio the marionette any more, but a real person.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Lately I find myself reacting to things in ways that don't even connect to what is going on. For example: I love freshmade pancakes. I can be so happy about having them made, smelling them, and thinking about how good they will taste! Then I accidentally drop one on the floor and I go stark raving nuts! I get so angry that I stomp it in the floor, jump up and down on it, curse under my breath, and act like a wild woman out of control. (No, I didn't do this. It is just a scenerio)

THE BIGGEST OF GRINS!

I do this kind of thing too -- in my mind, that is. It is not comfortable for me to realize that -- this is the sort of thing my mother did, too. Only she did not confine it to her own mind. I think I understand it, but from what you say it sounds like my reasons are not your reasons.

But to the main question, as others have said, even if I know why, I can't seem to stop things, except for the moments where I see the reasons. Then I fall back. Over and over and over and over. It is not worth it.

[Sannah]

I think it is really important to know why we are doing something. For myself this was the only way to fix an issue. I think it is important because we need to know the seed of the issue. This seed is feeding the behavior. It is hidden in our subconscious and affecting everything. In my experience, once I uncovered it and dealt with it, and therefore, removed it from my subconscious, it didn't drive the behavior anymore.

Stopdog, your question about being drawn back to that T, maybe it is something about wanting to work through the issue? This T triggers your issues and this is how you work through the issues (you can't work through any issue that won't present itself) but it won't happen if there isn't a good plan to work through the issue.

[skysblue]

For me, allowing myself to be open to feelings has made a big change. If I denied I had anger or I suppressed it because it's not a 'nice' emotion, it just gave it more power and prevented it from ever being understood.

So, relaxing my resistance to acknowledging the unpleasant parts of myself has led to some great breakthroughs. Bringing them out into the open and to look and examine them with a more detached approach lessened their influence to some extent.

But, analysis only goes so far. There's a lot of work that is done unconsciously and subconsciously. Pounding our heads against the wall trying desperately to 'understand' does NOT work. Being relaxed and open DOES work - at least it has for me.

Dreams are a great entry into the subconscious. I have received so many insights that way. If I have a dream that seems significant but I don't understand it, I will ponder it for days. And then, voila - a deeply meaningful insight will appear.

Again, I think the key things are to avoid resistance, be open and relaxed, and don't do strenuous or frantic type of analysis (it just makes things more and more confusing and ties you up in mental knots)

[unaluna]

I have anger issues also - I don't show anger in session, I used to yell and swear when driving (but not rage-drive, like tailgating or swerving or stopping short or stuff like that - just yell at those who DO!), I got fired supposably for anger issues, I get angry at people who use the word 'supposably' unironically - but I will wait in line forever and other common anger-provoking situations, making jokes and ticking everyone ELSE off. But I do self-sabotage, prolly major thing is my weight, esp as I start to lose wgt and creepy guys start showing interest - the only way I know to protect myself is to regain. Am I angry at the creepy guys? What does this all mean? We are starting to look at this. I told T trauma was never really in my vocabulary before, and I heard something in my voice. It's my personal rendition of yo-yo dieting. I see what I'm doing, but I don't really know why.

[happiedasiy]

Emptyness: is space (in your mind devoid of any emotion/judgements), neutral, and
A place to grow skillful qualities of seeing, thinking, and thought processes.
Giving youself a place in your mind where we have room for paying attention.
Before the arising
Before thinking becomes a thought, there is a pause.
Before a thought attatches to emotion, there is a pause.
Before our emotions connect with our perceptions, again there is a pause.
These pauses are empty spaces which will be an invitation to mindfulness.
Mindfulness is paying attention, in meditation, it is key that we keep our thoughts and intention to what we are thinking in check because we are what we think. And we act upon our emotions.
these small pauses gives us to cange our behavior

[happiedasiy]

To understand the ignorance of being human
Should cultivate forgiveness and compassion
for ourselves as well as others.
To understand and resolve our emotional attatchments
in a non judging way for self/others makes room for
emptyness

Originally Posted by hankster

I have anger issues also - I don't show anger in session, I used to yell and swear when driving (but not rage-drive, like tailgating or swerving or stopping short or stuff like that - just yell at those who DO!), I got fired supposably for anger issues, I get angry at people who use the word 'supposably' unironically - but I will wait in line forever and other common anger-provoking situations, making jokes and ticking everyone ELSE off. But I do self-sabotage, prolly major thing is my weight, esp as I start to lose wgt and creepy guys start showing interest - the only way I know to protect myself is to regain. Am I angry at the creepy guys? What does this all mean? We are starting to look at this. I told T trauma was never really in my vocabulary before, and I heard something in my voice. It's my personal rendition of yo-yo dieting. I see what I'm doing, but I don't really know why.

I am thankful that I don't show my anger when in the public eye. I mostly show my anger at home and in my writing to my therapist. I don't think I hit 'rage' that often. I just don't see myself as an angry person. Maybe I am a person with anger issues that are just under the surface and screaming to get out? Emotions and feelings, hurt and pain, that want to be heard?

It bothers me that she thinks I have suppressed anger. I wish she would let it alone! Then again, it feels good to be able to tell someone about this part of me that no one else sees. Why is that? Is it because I want to know where the anger is coming from and how I can be rid of it?