I went to see T today, because he asked me to, and because as much as I didn't want to go, I also didn't want until next Friday to get support around the yuck.

I walked in, curled myself in a ball in the corner of the couch and covered my face. I was there, but SO didn't want to be.

I finally forced myself to peek out and I told T that I haven't been sleeping lately. (I don't even think we said hello to each other). I'm SO tired. During the day, I stay busy and push things away and work past triggers, but once I lay down at night, it's ALL there. I told him that I lay there and think about the things I would tell him if I could, but that they aren't really things I could ever say. He asked why I couldn't...and I told him it's because they are too yucky and horrible. And he asked when I imagine telling him, what happens after I tell? And I realized...in my fantasy, I tell and I feel better.

So, he asked if there was one piece of one thing that I could tell him? I told him I thought I could write something, maybe. So we talked about writing. I told him I was afraid I would write it and then totally spiral out after I leave. I told him I was afraid that I would write it and he wouldn't like me anymore. He said he was 99.9% sure that his feelings about me wouldn't change, no matter what I wrote.

I got the white board and T sat with me on the couch. First I wrote about the yucky body memories. I barely had to write anything, just a few words, and T completely filled the rest in for me, with words. He said all of the words that I am scared to say. He KNEW.

And then I wanted to write something else...a memory that has haunted me for as long as I can remember. It's just SO there, all the time. I think about it a LOT when I lay in bed at night, I dream about it, I dream about talking about it. It's constant, and awful. And all of a sudden, I just started writing it.

It was SO HARD. T kept saying "you're doing such a good job" and telling me to breathe. And I WROTE IT DOWN. I think I hid afterwards. I remember being behind my hands holding my breath, and T telling me to breathe, and me shaking my head no. I remember thinking I would be there in the dark forever and I'd never ever breathe no matter what. And finally t asked if I could please just take ONE breath, and I did and it kind of broke the spell.

My hands were super weak, and I asked him to erase it. He said he wanted to say something first. I held out my hands to stop him, but he said "just let me say this". He said we were erasing it, and sending it out into the universe, where it would be absorbed by all of the good energy. He said we could let it go. He talked for a long time, and then asked if he could erase some and then I could erase some, and I said okay. He erased the first word, I erased the second, he erased the third. Then I erased the yuckiest word, and he said "oh, you're smart" and he erased a yucky word. We kept going, and erased the yucky words and then the words without feelings until the only thing left was "I". And T said "That's what is left".

We looked at it together for a while and I asked if we could write a new story. So, I started with the "I" that was left and wrote: "I am in bed. It is nighttime. I am sleeping." And at the bottom, T wrote: "You are safe".

And it's GONE. I could feel the space open up inside of me. This piece of my story that has filled up so much space in my head for so many years is gone. I have to think hard to remember what it was, and when I do remember, all of the triggery feelings aren't there. It just is kind of this hazy thought that drifts away. After ALL of these years.

It's just one tiny piece, but it was one that haunted me so much. I think we let it go. I told T that the piece of the story felt SO BIG because it was in my head and my head is so small...but now it's in the universe and the universe is SO BIG that it makes that piece of the story teeny tiny. It's over, finally.

For the rest of the session, I moved over to T's chair and he stayed on the couch. I felt little, and we talked about some serious stuff, but we played too.

And that was it. It was so huge, I just wanted to share it.

[Indie'sOK]

(((((((((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))))))))))
Wow.....I can't explain how amazing that sounds. That is freaking HUGE! We're all so proud of how far you've come, Tree. Just think how proud T is.

[granite1]

thank you for sharing this inspiring story.i am so sorry you have so much pain in your life

[Wren_]

(((((((((Tree)))))))))))))) .... i have goosebumps after reading that ..... wow

"you are safe" .......

Tree, I'm so happy for you. You should be very proud of all of your hard work. Just reading it brought tears to my eyes....

[dizgirl2011]

WOW you should be so unbelievably proud of yourself for sharing something so important, so private and, so difficult with your therapist! That too so much courage and it sounds like it was the best thing you could have done as it has given you great release over a memory that has caused you great pain for many years.

It also sounds like you have a brilliant relationship with your therapist and that they care about you a lot.

I hope you continue to make great progress in your therapy, one step at a time!

[unaluna]

This reminds of the scene about in the middle of Sybil, where Sally Field is in Joanne Woodward's home and she tells her, I wanna sit in your big chair with you, and she DOES. That was such a powerful scene for me. I'm glad you sat in T's big chair and felt little. It's so healing.

[stopdog]

That sounds great.

[sittingatwatersedge]

whooo!!! I can breathe now myself.

Tree I never use the word "awesome", but I don't have another word for this. This is such great work.

Thank you so much for sharing with us. You've made me smile, and on a day when I really needed it.

[alwaysrejoice]

Wow, tree! You did great! Thanks for sharing!

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( tree ))))

Your post brought me to tears....I am so glad that you were able to trust in yourself and your T and the process to help you through. THAT was amazing....

[rainbow_rose]

thanks for sharing this with us, treehouse

[FourRedheads]

I wasn't able to respond until now because your post is so powerful and there are no words to express.... Thank you for sharing.